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BABY STEPS

Ive decided to get my ass up & quit whining about my situation. It is what it is. Nothing i can do about it cept brush it off & move on.
Today is the first time in 13 months i went to sunday church service & did not cry thru the whole thing. Today was also my daughters 5th birthday party & thanks through the generosity of others she had 'the best day of her whole life'
oh yea, & i take back all the shit talkin i did about chuck e cheese~they really took care of everything! Kids had a blast!
On a different note, ive decided to get my big toe wet & start dating again. So far, nothing but a bunch of losers who 'want to spank my ass' but not take me to dinner first! Hahaha! Ill keep everyone posted....

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WALKING IN FAITH

 At this point all I can do is walk in faith.  Faith that God is going to take care of me.  Honestly, things have gotten really bad.  Really, Really bad.  I w ish I was like that housewife on the Dr. Phil show and could stay in bed all day.  Since I have a four-year old, I can't.  But I want to.

Its been a year now, and I can hardly believe it.  What happened to all the stregnth I had 6 months ago?  I guess I was so busy trying to survive, that I just forged ahead.  Left with no other options, thats what women do.  Now that I have a home to live in and food on my table, It feels a tad bit safer to just go ahead and cry, and get nothing done.  It  doesn't matter that I have no money for lights.  Who needs lights?  I like candles anyway.  Actually that's a little extreme, but really things are bad.  I feel like Im have a total breakdown.

It really hurts to get out of bed.  It hurts to talk.  I quit going to therapy.  There nothing to say.  Life is shit.  It's not just my loser husband.  I actually don't even have time to think about him and could really care a less.  I guess that's a blessing.  No time to be sad about such a menial thing as a man! I have bigger problems to deal with. When it rains, it pours.

My eldest son, is going through whatever the hell he is going through, and I can't help him.  He just got out of jail, and that's the least of his problems. As a mother this breaks my heart. Literally.  My heart is broken.  This is what a breakdown feels like, which may be the same thing as a broken heart. Im not sure. My youngest is acting out at school and she's only four.  If anyone knows what this looks like, it looks like a screaming tantrum baby!  The kind you see in Walmart running around like a maniac and the mother ignoring the disruptive, obnoxious baby.  That's me.  Thats's my baby!  If you see me just say 'hi' and keep it moving.  Save your dirty looks.  I  really don't care.!

I'm so depressed!  Everyone I know is living in beautiful houses, happy, planning there next vacation.  At a time when I should be planning my next spa day, Im counting change for coffee!  Fuck!  I can't sleep.  When I say I can't sleep, I mean I haven't slept in a year.  Im really breaking down.  I have a job, but can't work.  Im so worried about my eldest son, his brother, my daughter, work, paying bills, blah blah blah! Will I ever stop crying?  I'm just a HOT MESS!

So....I have no words of wisdom for anyone today.  It's a miracle I got up and wrote this.  I am trying to do ONE thing everyday.  Only one thing.  I'm making a habit of not answering my phone.  Anyone who has the slight inkling of being rude, gets an immediate disconnect.  I can only handle one thing at a time.  Today my one thing is writing.  Which of course, makes me cry! Again!

I hope someone else is having a better day and can offer words of wisdom.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Recovery

I started out this blog as a journal type thing, hoping that in the process I would reach others that may be going through the same type of thing I am.  With the advice of some friends, I moved to not so much telling my story, but offering advice.  What a joke that is.  My purpose of offering advice was perhaps to reach more readers.  I now know that I am hardly the person to be giving advice.  I am no 'Dr. Laura'.  What works for me, may not work for you.

So I am back to telling my story.  This time really real.  I withheld information to protect who?  Not me?  I really cant tell my story without telling the WHOLE story.

Some things have happened in the past month that really change the equation.  Good or Bad, Im not sure which.  I just know that its time for me to tell my story, and hopefully reach other women that are going through the same thing.  Maybe they will get something out of it.  Hopefully, at the very least, A laugh.

It's been 11 months since my husband walked out the door leaving myself and my daughter high and dry.  He literally walked out.  It took me roughly about three months to figure out he wasn't coming back.  Three months of endless sleepless nights.  Three months of crying non-stop, three months of letting him come back for a night, or a couple of hours, three months of accepting full blame and believing if I was only a better person he would come back.  Three months of not eating.  Three months of HELL.  And it didn't stop there...

At the end of three months I figured out very quickly, "oh crap. I'm about to be homeless." You see when the husband left, he took all of the money from the business that I STARTED with him.  Yes, he paid support for a few months, but not nearly half of what the business brought in, and certainly less then what I deserved.  I was happy that he was paying something, I just wanted him back,.  I didn't make a stink.  I just accepted what he said he was going to pay for support and begged him to come home.

WOW!  That's so crazy just writing that!  Im 11 months down the road now.  Things are much different.  I would say from about 3 to 9 months I pulled myself up from my bootstraps, became the gansta that I am, and made things happen.  I mean I was really on one!  I worked like a dog.  I called everyone I knew. I found out where to get assistance.  I called homeless shelters.  I went to food banks.  I called the bank everyday and begged them not to take my car!  I mean, things were really rough for a long time.  My husband (lets just refer to him as the 'Pig' from now on.)  The Pig paid child support & my car payment from Novemember until June.  As he should.  Still not half of what the business I STARTED was making.  Less then a third actually.  But I was ok with the car payment and support.  And I accepted it.  Then in June he decided not to pay my car payment.  As a matter of fact he told me the day the car payment was due, that he wasn't going to pay.  Hence all the phone calls.  Calling the bank, homeless shelters ( I could no longer afford rent)  DPSS...I mean the list is endless and I spent most of my days trying to figure out how to live.  No time to be sad or depressed, or even hope he was coming back.

During this time of going through life like a freaking tornado, a women on a mission, the mission of survival.  I really didnt have time to cry or wallow in self pity.  There was no time for that.  I gave myself a year to get it together.  I'm now at 11 months.

I have a new house now.  A beautiful house.  A house that I feel is a gift from God.  I feel so special getting presents from God.  A house I can afford, in a beautiful neighborhood.  All those phone calls paid off. I have a job too.  It pays the bills.  Thats a good thing.  Im sure a better job will come along as soon as I am more settled.  Right now, Im not even looking.  Heres the point Im getting too:

I cant believe I ever wanted this loser back!  Honestly!  What the hell was I thinking????  I dont know what happened to the guy I married.  But this ain't the guy.  Oh I do know what happened, but Ill save that for another blog.

None of which is my problem now.  I will move on.  I can tell you some days really really suck.  Some days I laugh my a** off.  Some days I just love being a mom, and some days, I wish I could crawl in bed all day and not get out.  Some days, I'd like to suck down some tequila.  Some days I want to go out dancing but can't because I have no babysitter.  Some days, I feel really sorry for myself.  This is shit is just ridiculous!

I will pass on the only lesson I know works for sure.  There may come other lessons later.  This is what I know today.  It's ok to cry.  Its ok to put on your pj's and crawl in bed and cry.  Especially if its raining.  It's ok to laugh too.  Its ok whatever it is you are doing.  Your right there where your supposed to be. 

IS IT A RACE THING?

I'm sure that this post is going to make some people upset. Let me just apologize for that ahead of time. I'll start by saying from the beginning, that I am most certainly not a racist! I happen to be white. It's just a fluke. Actually, my nationality is Sicilian, if that makes a difference.



Anyway, my first husband was white, and my current husband is black. I have white children and mixed children. I never considered race an issue. Ever. For me, it's all about the person on the inside. While good looks may be nice, those looks fade. I really don't even care what a person look likes. As long as they have a good heart, and believe in God.



Which leads me to where I am. I married a good man. Sadly, that man went crazy and lost his mind. It had nothing to do with me. He has his own demons to wrestle, and I can't help him. My question on the race issue is this: How does a black man just walk away for his child? Forget about how he feels for the women. What about the child? I think this may be a race thing.



My current husband, soon to be ex, just one day day walked out the door and never looked back. We have a four year old daughter. He doesn't call, doesn't see her. Just 'oh well, you don't love me anymore so I'm gone." This makes it even harder to love a man, who can so easily walk away from his family. I don't know any white men that do this. I mean, sorry to keep it real, but that's real. Every white man I have ever known, heard about, whatever, still sees their kids no matter what. Maybe because they KNOW that they will have to pay more child support if they don't. But really, it seems like a lot of black men have no problem just walking away from their kids. Is it because their dads were not around? What is it really? I would really really like to know.



Lastly, I find myself in the dilema of have to literally reach out to the black community to find positive roll models for my half-black daughter to embrace. She's around too many white people. There are literally no African Americans in her life. When her daddy walked out, her grandma stopped calling, Auntie, everbody she knew and loved and saw on a regular basis. Which makes me think that it is a black thing. Forget about their feelings for me. How does everyone just turn their backs on a four year old child?



And this is what I am wrestling with today. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Any comments on how to find positive role models in the african amercian community (especially men) would be great too.



Thank You and God Bless



http://thegreygirldiaries.blogspot.com/

The Grey Girl Diaries: THE FORGETTING DISEASE

The Grey Girl Diaries: THE FORGETTING DISEASE

THE FORGETTING DISEASE

The forgetting disease is plain and simple. It's the disease that will make you forget your past mistakes over and over again.

I have it. My mother has it, my best friend has it, and I dare say 90% of women definitely have it it too!  Men don't often carry the forgetting disease.  They seem to be immune.

Thankfully there is a cure.  I am recovering at this very moment form the forgetting disease.  If you have never heard of the disease, much less a remedy for it, I am here to tell you there is one.

The forgetting disease is where all the little things your significant other has done to you is quickly forgotten.  For instance, maybe you were out with your significant other, and he kept staring and staring and another women.  So much so, that really you got upset.  You maybe were standing there screaming, "helllllooooo' and he sill completely ignores you.  Maybe it even caused a huge fight..  He insists that he wasn't staring at another women and you wonder if it's possible at all that he actually wasn't and you are crazy like he says.
But you fight and make up and then you 'forget' all about it.  Until years down the road....

When you find him on the Internet, staring, or worse, at other women over and over, and then you remember about that one, or two incidents that you forgot all about. It dawns on you that the signs were all there.  You just chose to 'forget.'

In the past  there have been so many little things that I have chosen to forget all about.  However, I realize that the forgetting disease could very well be the death of me.  It's so important that I remember.  If I don't remember I could quite possibly fall into the same trap that got me in this mess to begin with.  Like many others, I fell for a smooth talker.  When I say smooth talker, I mean smooth talker. Instead of taking care of me and making sure I had a job that I got paid well for, I fell for the, 'let's build our dream together."  Only it wasn't our dream, it was his dream.  I thought it was our dream.  I forgot I had my own dreams.

So, in order to have healthy recovery from the forgetting disease, I have taken certain steps to ensure no further relapse.  I take notes!  I take a lot of notes.  I save all the crazy text messages, emails, and voice mails.  One day they are professing undying love, the next calling me every name in the book.  I keep these emails for one reason and one reason only.  'The Forgetting Disease!' 

Some may say it is bad energy to keep these negative messages.  I believe some of this is true.  I don't read them, or re-read them, only in times of desperate need.  It's like drinking a tall glass of fresh squeezed Orange juice for the common cold.  I immediately feel better.As I recover from the forgetting disease, and the ex starts to come around,  He sniffs around me like a dog in heat.  The moment I start to get back on my feet.  It's like some bizarre instinct he has, anyway, the moment I start to do well, and he starts smooth talking me. That's when I whip out my notes! emails, texts, whatever.  It's an immediate cure of the forgetting disease.  Damn!  He's really done some terrible things!

My therapist recommends a journal, I recommend saving stuff.  Whatever works for you, please do it.  I don't say this to discourage any kind of forgiveness.  Forgiveness is important.  For you and the person you are forgiving.  I'm not sure if I forgive the ex yet.  Hopefully I'll get to that place one day.  But in the meantime, I do not want to have the forgetting disease.  Stayng disease free keeps me strong and able to achieve my own dreams, my own goals, and my own happiness.

LESSON 3

There is no title for Lesson 3.  It is what it is.  YOU MUST PUT YOURSELF FIRST!  Above all else, make sure that you have the things you need.  Make sure that YOU are taken care of.  God will help, or show you the way, or send you an angel, but it is up to you to step up and recognize, and take care of yourself. 

What I mean by that is this; If your like me, there are days when you just feel like laying in bed and dying.  I don't care if your a man or women.  There are days when it's difficult to get out of bed.  But you must.  You must get up and take care of yourself or you are no good to anyone around you.  I have found that just a simple thing like straightening my hair makes me feel better.  This is no easy feat.  It takes a good hour and a half to straighten my hair and it's a pain in the ass, but it's part of taking care of myself.  Give yourself a clean shave (men), paint your nails, do your hair, put on make up.  Even if your not going anywhere. 
Then go somewhere.

I have become a master at finding bargains and deals, shopping for little to no money, & finding free excursions. I will get into all that in a later lesson.  This lesson is about taking care of you.  It's so important to take care of yourself.  In difficult times we tend to be too depressed to take care of us.  The basic needs of the kids, or work, is about all we can handle.  "Fake it til you make it."  That's the motto I have adopted.  Pretend.  Act 'as if'.  As if your life is perfect, as if your wealthy & beautiful, as if you don't have a care in the world.  Act 'as if.'.

Last week I had to stalk my ex to get a child support check.  By stalking I mean I had to drive to his job and sit outside and wait for him to show up to pick up his pay.  When he finally did show up he came to my car window and gave me this super sad face, and 'whoa is me' tale about how he got a ticket and forgot to show up in court, and how they are going to take his license if he doesn't pay it, and that's why he can't give me child support.  I swear I even saw a tear. 

I'm so embarrassed to admit it, but I actually felt sorry for him. I actually picked up my phone to call my sister and tell her the money that I borrowed from her so I could TAKE CARE OF ME, (& baby gurl) I wouldn't be able to pay back this week.  Instead of my sisters' number pulling up, magically my phone scrolled to the text messages I had save from my crazy ex.  You know the ones.  That's where the person who once loved you and swore you where the best thing that ever happened to him, sends you texts calling you a whore and many other choice expletives.  I saved those texts, just in case I need them to prove to the court that he actually is crazy.  Magically those texts reappeared just when I was feeling so for him.  Funny how that works.

So I read all of them.  And then I marched my perfect little ass, you know, the one he'll never get to touch again, right on down to the courthouse.  I stood in line for two hours.  The whole time re-reading every text and plotting and planning on how I would take him for every penny he has!  Let him be homeless on the street.  Not me. Not my daughter.  Time to take care of me!  I'm going to make sure that I have everything I need.  Food on the table, roof over my head, hair done, nails done, and looking as good as I possibly can!

And guess what.  I FEEL Better. 

I don't have money for an attorney.  But there are tons of Legal Aid foundations that are out there and will help you fill out paperwork.  In fact, they will tell you what forms you need, and then each form has instructions.  So as long as you can read, YOU can file for child support and spousal support!  And if you can't read, there are programs for that too.  Check your local library.

I have been back and forth to legal aid about 20 times, no exaggeration.  I fill out the forms, then I bring them to have an attorney intern look at them, then they tell me what to correct, then I correct, then I bring them back again. And I do it over and over again until I have it right.  If your really nice, people will help you.  There is no reason to suffer, or let your kids suffer.  You know what else I learned?  I don't have any money for an attorney because my crazy ex stole it all.  But he has money.  And the judge will order him to pay attorney fees! hah!  And he can't just stop working so he doesn't have to pay child support.  There are laws against that too!

So, Ladies and gentleman.  Time to take care of yourself.  Get up and make yourself look cute, (or handsome) do whatever makes you feel your best, and you know what that is.  Do it clean and sober.  After your done, make sure you and your kids have what they need.  If that means 'show no mercy.' then 'show no mercy.'  Everyone is a child of God, and it will all work out as it should. Don't  let anyone sucker you into believing they are more important, or somehow you don't deserve to be taken care of. You do deserve it.

PRAY FOR IT

This should have been the first step. But it's ok if you cry first. Just don't forget to pray. If your not a believer then may i kindly suggest you reconsider. Im here to tell you God answers prayers. I am living proof.
Just two weeks ago I was calling around looking for womens shelters for myself & four year old daughter. Thats because my loser ex 'has his own bills to pay'. Apparently that comes before the welfare of his child. I couldn't pay rent and wasn't sure what i was going to do. So i prayed. It sounds funny right? Like how is prayer going to pay the rent? I don't know how it does, it just does.
You must put your faith in God. 100%. God does and will take care of you. It is my belief that if you are living true to God, he will take care of you. In other words, you cant lie, cheat & steal, destroy your self by using drugs, or heavily drinking, claim your a christian & quote the bible, then abuse yourself, family, or friends. You must try to do the best you can do with the life God gave you. He doesn't expect perfection. Just effort.
Lesson 2. Pray. Pray. And Pray. When your not praying, Live as honestly as you can. And when your prayers are answered, dont forget to say Thank You.
Thank You.

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TAKING BABY STEPS

07/21/2010

I have decide to write my blog a little differently.  Instead of whining about all the trouble, emotions, and hell I am going through I have decide to help other women (and men)!  If today is the first day of you following my blog then your in luck! 

Here's the thing.  I spend most of my days running with my head cut off.  I am basically trying to recover from the fact that my husband abandoned myself and my four year old daughter.  He walked out November 4, 2009 and just never came back.. It took at least three months for me to figure out that he wasn't coming back.  Did I mention he stole all my money when he left?  Yup, took the business that I started for him (I thought I was starting the business for us), he left, and took the business that I started along with all the money we had, and just walked out. 

I'm not bitter or anything.  I don't have time.  The last 8 months have been spent trying to ensure I have a home a to live in,. food on the table, and provide my daughter what she needs.  I don't have time to be bitter.  And that ladies and gentleman is Lesson Number 1.

1.  Do not waste your time on being bitter.  Don't waste your time asking yourself, " what could I have done differently?'  Sometimes,  the people we marry are just idiots.  They have their own issues and it has nothing to do with you.  If your wife says,  "I cheated on you because your never home."  And your never home because your working all the time to pay the bills.  Then 'F-her!"  move on.  Don't waste your time fretting over what you could have done different.

If you supported your husband through law school and then he leaves you to boink the young, hot secretary, then 'F-Him too!'  Or-If your husband walked out because now you have four kids, and he thinks he can get more attention or do better somewhere else then 'F-Him'.

Have a cry, or two, then drink a cup of tea, or something stronger, and MOVE ON!  Life is short!  Don't waste your time fretting over someone who just doesn't deserve the time, energy or emotional havoc it takes on you and your body!  Sad bodies become out of shape, feel crappy, and really don't look good! 

Today, have a happy body!  If you have to go into the bathroom, or a quite place at work, or walk around the block.  Do it.  Do it now!  Take five minutes to be sad, then just move on.  You will get better I promise!

Take it from me, I know.  I loved my husband deeply with every part of my being.  I thought we would be together forever.  I was building a life with him, that maybe wasn't perfect. but I was happy.  I never thought he would walk out!  But all of that matters not.  The point is, I am getting better, and it is getting easier, and I will come out stronger.  In fact I can see that happening now. Right now before my very eyes!

Today's lesson:  Take five or ten minutes to be sad. (don't take more then 15 minutes!)  cry, take a walk, do whatever you have to do, and then move on!  Don't waste another minute on what woulda, coulda, shoulda, just MOVE ON!

I'LL BE DAMN, IF I LET HIM BREAK ME DOWN!

Seriously, this is ridiculous!  I'll be damn, if I let a man break me down! He's trying though, for real!  He stopped making my car payment, a week before payment was due. "oh, by the way, I won't be paying your car payment." 
That would be the car he bought for me four months before he walked out to do whatever it is he's doing.  The car he bought for me, "because I deserve it."  "Get whatever you want baby, just keep payments under $500.00 per month."  So I picked a car that barely uses any gas, and one I love.  A Smart Car.  Now, four months later I can't afford the $350.00 dollar payment and they're probably going to come get it.  Meantime the ex is sporting brand new furniture in his bachelor pad!

I can't be poor like this anymore.  I'm spending so much time trying to figure out how I'm going to live, that I'm really not living at all.  I'm hustling up jobs, sometimes, serving or bar tending or working an event.  It's the same thing I was doing 'before'- for lunch money.  Now the same job has to pay my rent, car, food, utilities, etc.,  It's not enough.  I have applied to every job under the sun for the last six months.  While I have pulled in some hard to get interviews, I have not found a job.  Times are desperate.  Very desperate.  Very Very desperate.  I cannot pay my light bill, or any other bill.  I don't have enough gas to drive the car they're about to take anyway.  My daughter is sick, 103 temperature, and I can't even buy her cold medicine.
It's REALLY  bad.

This fool thinks he's gonna break me, by not doing for me.  I might be poor as hell, but I do know that Karma is a bitch!  I'll be damn if I let him break me!  I don't know how it's gonna happen, or when, or with what, nor do I have any answers at all.  I just know that my God knows that I cannot live like this anymore.  It's enough.
Something has to happen for me soon.  I must work, get a steady income, or make this book come alive.  Either way, it's got to be soon!

I'm going to dream big!  I'm going to keep applying to jobs.  I'm going to keep doing what I have to do, even if it means one little baby step at a time.  I'm taking one little baby step at a time, and my determination not to let this loser break me down, is what is going to keep me going.  So what if I get kicked out of my apartment cuz I can't pay the rent?  The apartment is in his name!  HA! See-Karma is a bitch!  Bet he didn't think about that when he told me he couldn't pay child support on time last month.  Bet he didn't remember that when he was buying himself new furniture for HIS apartment and paying HIS rent on time. I'm going to keep going, keep praying, and keep working it out until it works.  And I'll be damn, if I let a man break me down.

GETTING OUT OF BED

I started out this morning praying to God to just get me out of bed.  Please God, just let me get out of bed and do one thing that I need to do today.  It's really not as easy as it sounds.  I'd much prefer to lay in bed, cry, eat, and do nothing.  It takes a lot of effort to just get up.  If I did not have a four year old daughter, I know for sure, I would not get up.
Sometimes I think about that.  If I didn't have my daughter would I ever get out of bed?  Maybe I would just lay there forever until the smell coming from my apartment would have the neighbors call the police.  For real.  Of course, first I would eat everything, which is about two weeks worth of food. But after the food was gone, what then?  Would I get out of bed?  Nope.  I don't think so. I wouldn't feel like going to the store, or taking a shower, or getting dressed.  Getting dressed is such an effort!  Geez, I'd like to look cute, because after all I am single again, but really, who can look cute with big puffy eyes.  Or..I start out with good intentions and manage to put myself slightly together.  But because I ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat, or for any unknown reason, what difference does it make?  I should probably just stay in sweats.  I will at least be comfortable.
I wonder if anyone would even check on me.  I doubt it.  I have teenagers.  That says it all.  They would never notice I wasn't around.  No one on my ex's side of the family checks on me, and my family stopped long ago.  My crazy ex called all my friends and told them I was crazy, so now they just wanna steer clear until the tornado blows over.
HOWEVER, as I said, I started out praying to God, to just get me out of bed today and let me do one thing.  Instead of one thing, many things have happened.  I've been calling all around the state of California and the city I live in, and calling the Veteran's administration and everywhere else I can think of, because the bottom line is, I went from running a business I didn't get paid for, to really having no income at all.  Before the money just went back into the house. I've gone through all my savings and will be broker then broke in about one minute.  Thus I've been taking serious preventive action.
Believe it or not, after months of taking preventive action my hard work has started to pay off.  There are some options!  Thank you God.  Best news I've had all day! All week, or all month.  While I do not have specific monetary support, or specific housing information, or specifically knowing where my next meal will come from, or how I will make my car payment.  I do have HOPE.  So I HAVE gotten very far today.  And Thank You God for getting me out of bed!

OOPS... I DID IT AGAIN!

For the first time in three weeks I had a day off, sort of.  Baby daddy finally decided to see his daughter.  I worked Saturday night (Thank You God) so that really wasn't a day off.  I guess officially, I had a few hours to myself Sunday.
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money.  Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive.  Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful.  That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes.  Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day.  Thankfully I worked Saturday night.  Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would.  So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts.  My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend.  My event went late, so I just drove home.  I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself.  When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy.  I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision.  As I said, every penny goes to paying bills.  So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly.  DO I have the $20.00 to spend?  Probably not.  Will I have enough gas money for the week? -  Bills are due.-   Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" -  Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going.  All before 9am!  I finally decide to just get up and do it.  THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities.  But I deserve this.  I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself.  Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure.  It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens?  That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out!  She looks at me stunned.  I know she thinks she hurt me or something.  I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me.  It's quite a sight.  I can't stop crying. Again!  fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks.  I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good.  She had brand new chairs and they were awesome!  I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done!  I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH.  I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through.  Enough crying already!  Yeah this s*** is sad.  So I'll give myself permission to be sad.  Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through.  That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money.  He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it.  How is that fair?  He didn't even have a checking account before he met me.  He can't even get a checking account now!  How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add.  And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set  complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share.  And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case.  But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)

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What we write - What people read

I wrote about how I'm in a depressed funk, and then next day I got a whole bunch of spam mail about depression!  'Here, take this pill, it cures depression'.  I guess the spam mail didn't read my blog!  I clearly stated I don't believe in taking pills.  It's a personnel choice.

I wrote Kim Vs. Countess from Atlanta housewife's and N.Y. Housewife's.  Funny how everyone bagged on Kim about how she couldn't sing, but no one is even mentioning to the 'Countess' that she can't even come close to carrying a tune.  It's laughable really.  I sit on the edge of my bed, just waiting for someone to say, Sorry, Countess, but you really cannot sing."  Yet NO ONE does.  They keep addressing her as 'Countess' and telling her how fabulous she is.  She is fabulous, but she CANNOT sing.  There I said it!  Lots of people had a comment regarding my housewife's post.  Yet NO ONE seemed to care about the post below:

http://www.military.com/news/article/policeman-shoots-unarmed-marine-13-times.html.  
POLICEMAN SHOOTS UNARMED MAN 13 times.
The above link was sent to me via www.military.com.  As a veteran, I subscribe.  This is the most horrific article I have ever read! I posted this on my facebook news feed, yet no one made not ONE comment!.  I then looked for it this morning and somehow it was taken down.  And not by me.  I couldn't find it anywhere.  hmmmm.  FYI. I don't even live in Maryland where the incident took place.  Nor do I know the family.   I posted it because stories like these, involving police officers somehow seem to get buried.  Disappear. Like my facebook post.

I started out blogging about how I'M so tired of being depressed.  Then I read a story about a Marine, shot by policeman 13 times, at a club, after doing a tour in Iraq, cuz the marine made a comment to the cop's women.  And I have the nerve to be depressed.  There is so much more going on then me! 

Today, I will shake off whatever bad mood I'm in.  Pray that I and my children are alive, and Thank God for every moment I have.  Even the rough ones!

Kim vs. Countess (ATL Housewife's Vs. N.Y. Housewifes)

Off the subject I know, but don't you think it's crazy how everyone completely talked crap about Kim and her singing, but no one is telling the 'Countess' on NY housewife's that she can't sing at all.  It's all so fake!  Everyone is like, "oh fabulous Countess." Come on! I like her, but she is way worse then Kim ever was, and sorry to say but I would much rather look at hot Kim singing in her tone-deaf voice, then the Countess.  Keep it real!

Please read and comment!

Policeman Shoots Unarmed Marine 13 Times

http://www.military.com/news/article/policeman-shoots-unarmed-marine-13-times.html?wh=news&ESRC=dod.nl#community

The Grey Girl Diaries: Depression is Depressing

The Grey Girl Diaries: Depression is Depressing

Depression is Depressing

Depression is Depressing!  Honestly, How do people that have this disease function?  I've been depressed for several months now and I just cant take it anymore!  I'm so tired of being depressed!  I have no energy.  I can barely get out of bed.  I force myself to get out of bed!  It takes a great deal of will on a regular basis to actually get up and do things.  I have a long list of things I need to take care of everyday.  Yet I am so depressed, I can barely do them.  Life functioning things-things that if I don't do there are going to major problems.  I'm not talking about things like washing my hair, or getting my nails done.  I'm talking about survival!  Yet, still, I'm so depressed I can barely do what I have to do in order to survive.  This sucks!
I cry at any given moment.  Like right now. I'm crying! ridiculous!  I'm sad and depressed and crying because I know I have so many things things to take care of and I just don't know if I can do them.  Things like keeping food in the refrigerator, keeping my lights and gas on....etc etc.  Yet I sit here and cry! Depressing! Shit!
I hear and read that there are things you can do to get of a depressed state of mind.  Oh really?  Like go for a run?  Yeah, I tried that.  I've tried that on several occasions.  You know what happens to me?  When I start running, I start REALLY balling my eyes out.  Like crying so hard, I can't see where I'm going! I get an hour to exercise and it's so quite and peaceful and then I start thinking about all the crap I've been through in the last 7 months and I really just start sobbing uncontrollably.  Or I run by all the beautiful houses near my tiny little apartment and I really start crying, because of course, I should have all of that if not for the circumstances that have left me with nothing, which we won't get into because if we do, I won't finish this blog.  I'll be too depressed.  So no, exercise does not do it for me.
Eat some ice cream.  No not that either, that doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse.  I don't even love ice cream and if I eat snacks or crap that's not good for me, I just feel fat after and that makes me more depressed.
Take a pill.  I've never been good at taking pills.  Hence, my four year old daughter!  Plus- pills for depression, I've heard makes you feel nothing and lethargic.  I need energy to take care of stuff not a pill that will make my head fuzzy.
Crap!
I guess I'll just ride it out.

Vodka & Cream Soda

I'm sitting here writing this blog with a Vodka & Cream Soda in my hand.  Pretty talented huh? I woke up this morning with my boxing gloves on, ready to take on the crap that I have been avoiding for many months now.  I haven't wanted to file for divorce, or legal separation, or anything.  I don't know why.  I guess I have been hoping in the back of my mind, that the EX would just wake up one day and see that he has seriously lost his mind, and get the help he needs. 
This is not the man I married.  The man I have been dealing with the last 7 months, more like the last year and seven months, is not the person that I married.  This is not the person I took vows with.  The is some other person that has lost his mind, and since he was a perfectly rational person (with a few exceptions) over the last 7 years I have just been assuming that he will somehow become that rational person again.  The reason that I am typing with a Vodka/Cream soda in my hand is that I am now realizing that it's just not going to happen.
And so today, I will pour myself a drink and give myself permission to just cry over the sadness of it all.
I started out this day ready to fight.  5 a.m. up bright and early because of course, I cannot sleep.  The weekend threw another obstacle in my face.  You see my EX, has made it so, that I can no longer speak to his sister.  His sister who I spoke to every day.  His sister who has four daughters, all around the same age as my daughter.  His sister who we used to go over her house every other weekend at least, and all the girls would play together.  Now, she does not take my calls.  He has told her she is not allowed to speak to me, thus, my daughter cannot see her cousins.  My daughter misses her cousins, and loves her cousins, and talks about them.  She asks when she can see them.  I feel like this:
It's not enough that you have destroyed every part of my life that I was comfortable in.  Now you have to worm your way to messing with my daughter.  Why? On the off chance that I may ask your sister to babysit ONE night and have a night out?  It's bad enough that i accepted everything you have done, turned my cheek as if perhaps I may have somehow deserved it. You didn't go too far when you gave our address out over the Internet to meet up with some ho, it wasn't too far when you moved into the house you moved into (you know what I mean), it wasn't too far when you sent me pics of other women you were messing with via text, it wasn't too far when you accused me of doing things that I didn't even THINK of doing.  Yet somehow, NOT letting my daughter see her cousins is very definitely going too too far!
So I woke up with boxing gloves on, and went straight to the library filling out all the forms I need to file Separation Papers. I got thru the first 40 forms and then just broke down.  The sadness of it all is overwhelming.
 I'm giving you the business, the one that I started for you.  Remember?  The one you were so grateful that I started.  You didn' t even know you could just start your own business.  Remember the money I gave you for your first truck?  Remember how I borrowed my friends car so I could teach you how to drive a stick, so you could go to truck driving school? Remember how happy you were to have a business checking account in yours & my name?  Remember all that?
Anyway, so here I sit with a Vodka/Cream Soda.  A delicious drink by the way.  I will finish my forms in the morning, I will have an attorney look at them and see if it was done correctly.  If he fights me on child support or spousal support I will take out a loan and fight him for every last dime he has.  After all he wouldn't have a dime if it wasn't for me.
I am so sad, and devasted and wonder if I could have done anything different.  But in fact I could not.

Ready for Battle

Today started out so beautifully.  A holiday weekend in sunny California and what could be better!  I love living here.  I love the sunshine and the beaches and will always be a die-hard California girl.  My dermatologist constantly warns me of the dangers sunbathing.  Now, I wear a big floppy hat, huge sunglasses and a t-shirt over my chest!  I like getting my arms and legs tan though and still venture to the beach on a weekly basis.  I feel like nothing is better for my four year old daughter then an hour or two playing in the sun and sea water! Plus...it wears her out!
It's been extremely difficult keeping my head up.  I made a promise to myself not to write about depressing things and so I won't.  I'll just say this past week has definitely been one of those weeks that 'If it doesn't kill me, It'll make me stronger."  Often I feel I may die soon.  Just when I overcome one obstacle another is thrown in my face.  My faith is huge and I know I will get through.  I just don't know how.
After a beautiful day, tonight another obstacle had been thrown at me.  It's really time that I finish crying and put on my boxing gloves and get ready to fight.  Certain circumstances have made it clear that I need to really buck up and become the gangsta that I am.  I can no longer hang my head and hope that things work out.  They will not.  I must take care of myself and my daughter.  If I don't no one else will.
So I will put on my gloves and get ready for what is sure to be a vicious battle.  Any words of encouragement will be greatly appreciated as I will need every ounce of strength I have.

When to let go

I recently read when Sandra Bullock found out about her husband, Jesse James affairs, she immediately left the house they shared together and moved somewhere else.  For many weeks we heard from the media and on shows like TMZ that she was filing for divorce, then she wasn't filing for divorce, they were getting back together, they weren't getting back together.   It wasn't until months later she came out with the story of her adopted child and the fact that she indeed, had already filed for divorce.
My question is when is that decision made?  Did she decide right away?  My problem is, I cannot decide whether I should actually file for divorce.  Honestly, I don't know what I'm waiting for.  I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I keep hoping that he will change.  I know how absurd that sounds.  I sound like a women on the Maury Povich Show.  The kind of women that Maury says, "we caught your husband with a decoy, you caught him in bed with another women, why are you still with him?  and the women answers lamely, "cuz I love him Maury." and the whole audience goes crazy and thinks she's a dumb b**ch.

That's me.  A dumb bi**h! My circumstances have not been exactly the same.  I have never actually caught my husband physically cheating.  I have caught him on the Internet on some singles website, chatting it up with various other women on numerous occasions.  I have caught him emailing another women about how much fun he had when he pulled over on the side of the road in his big rig and she came out to meet and make-out with him.  I have caught him giving out our address over the Internet.  Physically I have not caught him in the actual act.  He says it was just talk and he didn't mean anything by it.  I guess I'll never know.

I have spent the last six months in therapy.  An appointment my husband forced me into making stating that "it's all my fault and if I don't go to therapy to find out why I'm so bitchy then he's not coming back."
Therapy was a great idea, and I thank him for making me go.  What I learned, was in fact, it is not ALL my fault, and any other women, giving the same circumstances would probably be bitchy too!
I have listened to my husband blame me for everything.  The list is so long for things he is blaming me for,  that I would just rather not itemize them.  Suffice it to say that it boils down to, "I was mean and treated him bad."
But here's the thing, it's very possible I was mean.  Honestly, I really don't know who wouldn't be.  My husband spent more time on the Internet, sleeping, and hanging with his homies then he ever did with me, my daughter, or my step-son.  Let alone spend time with my two older kids.  He has continued to really just go way out of his way to be extremely verbally abusive to me.  He has continued in the lifestyle that got us we we are today.  The things he has done to me personally are so foul, I just would rather not tell anyone.  It's embarrassing. I have told my therapist who tells me "I have every right to never speak to him again."
So why haven't I filed for divorce?  I mean, do I really think he is going to change? And how much more insults and assaults toward my character, undeservedly disrespecting my parenting, and phone calls to my family should I really tolerate before I give up?
I would really love to hear your comments if you have had a similar situation.

Age is just a number. Or is it?

I have never really paid attention to my age.  I have the mentality that 'age is just a number'. It's just never been an issue with me.  I realize that other people do have issues with age.  Some women feel the 'time clock ticking' some men feel 'they've past their prime'.  I've never really gotten any of that.  Other people have had an issue with my age.  I never have.
For instance.  When I met my husband, who happens to be nine years younger then me, many people asked, "how old is he?"  When his mother met me, she asked, "how old is she?'  When I got pregnant, I heard a lot,  "a women your age..."  I was always confused when I heard this.  First of all, I was reminded how old I really am.  For many years I have been telling those who asked, how old I FEEL. I Feel a certain age. I am numerically a different age then what I feel. Age is just a number.
The other day someone asked me, "How old are you?"  For so many years I have been telling people how old I feel.  At this point in life, I have decided to tell people how old I really am.  First of all, they don't believe me.  No one does.  Maybe it's because I have been saying how old I feel for so many years, that I now project that out onto the universe.  Maybe, it's because I look good.  Maybe it's because I have been running everyday, maybe it's because I have a better body then most 20-year-olds.   Maybe because, thanks to my fabulous doctors at the V.A, hospital, I get lazor treatment every 3 months on my face!  Whatever the reason is, I don't look my age.  I like having people tell me, "your kidding!."
However. Today. I feel my age.  Actually this whole divorce thing has really made me take a hard look at where I am in my life.  I should be taking vacations, and getting ready for retirement and owning my own home, and settling into 'the relaxing years'  As old as that makes me sound.  That's where I should be at this point in my life. 
I did have a plan.  My plan was to own a small business with my spouse, raise our baby girl, maybe expand our business to where we made enough money to build our dream home, and live happily ever after.  Not the richest, but not poorest either.  I am comfortable being a housewife, raising my kids.  In fact I think it's the most important job a women can have.  I don't need a 'career' to feel important.  When I hear my daughter laugh so hard because I'm tickling her, or when I see she's learning to read, because I am reading to her, there is nothing that makes me feel more important.  That's it.
Since my husband walked out.  My whole focus has shifted to 'what am I to do', instead of pursuing goals.  Now I find myself focusing on age.  I heard the other day on the radio President Obama's age. I almost crashed my car.  OMG!  The frickin President of the United States is only a few years older then me?  He's The President of The United States! I immediately burst into tears. I am a loser!  It's officially official.
And so, while age is a just a number to some people.  Today it means everything to me.

To be fine or not to be fine

My husband, or ex-husband, or soon-to-be-ex, or jerk I'm dealing with, or WHATEVER he is, invited me out for Mother's Day dinner.  It's true that he called at 5pm, and then told me how 'it's only natural' for him to be thinking about his baby momma on Mother's day, and would I like to go.  It was an invitation.  We decided on drinks and appetizers and I thought it would be a harmless hour or so.  What could go wrong?  Since my four year old goes everywhere I go, she came too.  Should be a nice evening.
Within the first 30 seconds of sitting down at the restaurant, daddy proceeded to send baby girl pics of seals jumping around making seal noises.  So I ask if he went to Sea World or something.  He tells me no, he went to Pismo Beach.  Now, I know damn well that he didn't drive down the coast to Pismo Beach with his homies.  Obviously he had a date.  Fine. No problem.  Probably some Internet ho, I think to myself.  When his little ploy didn't work, he then proceeds to tell me how fine I look. "thanks" I say.  He then laughs and says, "you not gonna tell me how fine I look, or say anything back?"
uhhh..nooooo.  This is mothers day after all and we are supposed to be talking about me, not how fine you are.  He then tells me how, "when he walks into a room, the women stop breathing!"  or how some women paid him two hundred dollars just to go out.  I tell him he doesn't have to be a prostitute. He's better then that.(?)  Then he tells me everywhere he goes, women stop and stare. 
mental note: next guy I date, will be ugly.
The point is, this is nothing new.  I used to ignore his ramblings about 'how fine' he is, as just an endearing quality.  "oh, that's so cute, he thinks he's fine."  Now, he just gets on my nerves!  I thought it was Mother's Day.  I don't care how 'women stop breathing when he walks into a room."
As a self-confident women, I know other men check me out.  I don't feel the need to tell him, or anyone else, "did you see that guy checking me out?" It's just the way it is.  And fellows, honestly, if you're fine. we know it.  You don't have to tell us.  If you're fine and your telling us, what your really telling us, is that you are super insecure with yourself.  You have problems.  If your fine and your telling us, what you're really saying is "I'm fine, but pathetic."  Do us all a favor.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself how good you look, but keep your opinion to yourself.  If you are fine, we already know.

Mother's Day 2010

Ahhh, Mother's Day.  Here's the part where I should be so happy and excited I am a mother.  But I have teenagers!  I also have a four year old.  My teenagers are putting me through, what everyone warned me about, including my own mother. "one day you'll have kids of your own."  "Wait until you have your own kids." "Be careful what you do, because it all comes back to you."
My only comfort is that I believe I have paid for my sins, and my four year old daughter will not put me through it again.  "God doesn't give you more then you can handle." My teenage boys have put me through enough, that I shouldn't have to go through it again.  I believe it's an even slate for everything I put my parents through, and then some.
My four year daughter is already smarter then the teenagers!  She knows today is mommy's day!  Today I will cook, because that's what I find relaxing.  I think I will cook all day, and drink while I'm doing it!  I found Souplantations' recipe for corn muffins and I plan on baking those.  I plan on making Giant, fattening burgers with all the fixins, avocado's, bacon, cheese, mushrooms, hot sauce, and anything else I can think of to put on my delicious burgers! That should be fun!  Today I will do what I want, and not feel guilty about it.  Today will be about me.
Lastly, my sister in law has invited me over for mothers day dinner.  It's just too sad.  Every time I start thinking about if I should go or not, I just start crying.  My still-husband will be there.  It's too sad for me.  The whole situation.  I think today, mostly, I will stay at home and take care of myself, and not go.
Happy Mothers Day to those who are.

Minute by minute

Every day is different, every minute in fact.  I started out writing this blog at the recommendation of my therapist.  She didn't say exactly, "go blog".  What she said was,  "it might be helpful to keep a journal."
Here is my journal.
  What I am finding out is that each day brings with it a new and different emotion.  Sometimes each minute. The past six months have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Sometimes just so strong I cannot take it!  I feel sick to my stomach, like I'm going to throw up.  Mostly I just keep forging ahead.  By forging ahead, I mean I get up in the morning, actually out of bed, and start my day.  Early in fact, 7a.m.  While I don't have a particular 9-5 job, I do have a job, several in fact. 
One of them is taking care of my four-year-old daughter, without completely breaking down in front of her.  Taking care of her means maintaining as much calm and routine as possible in an otherwise chaotic world.  She does not know that we were almost homeless due to the fact daddy walked out November 4th and took his paycheck with him.  That would be the paycheck from the business/partnership we built together.  While he did pay rent in Novemeber he did not pay Gas, Electric, Cable, phone, etc. any other household bills.  We had already paid last months rent when we moved in to the 3 bedroom house we had lived in for four years.  It was up to me to find a new house to live in by January, and still maintain some sort of serenity to my daughters' life.  It was up to me to pack all our belongings and move our whole house. It was up to me to take care of her birthday in November and Christmas in December.  It was up to me to deal with a whole bunch of issues I never saw coming.
I guess that's the hardest part.  I just didn't see this coming.  I was completely blind-sided. HARD. Obviously I knew we were fighting a lot, but I just didn't think I married the kind of guy that would just walk out.  There were signs of course.  Every few months accidentally coming across his profile on a singles website.  The email messages to other women telling them how fine they were. He always explained it away saying, it was just talk.  Giving out our address should have been a big red flag, but I chose to ignore it.  And that was a choice I made.  Looking back, I should have chose to start stashing cash.  But I didn't.  I was dumb.  The late night out with the fellas every weekend.  No time for wifey.  All clear signs. duh!
So here I am.  Sad, broke, and alone.  Wondering what the hell happened.  He says, "I'm a bitch."  My answer now is, "of course I am!"
Another minute has passed by since writing this blog.  I will chose not to let him win.  Over my dead body, he will not break me. I will get off this computer, clean my house til it sparkles, pick up my daughter from school, and cook a yummy gourmet meal, while drinking a glass of wine.  And while I do that, I will Thank God, that I do not have someone breathing down my neck, telling me how tired they are, or how they just want to be left alone, or how hard they had to work today, but 8pm they're gonna go out with the fellas, "to relieve some stress."  I will enjoy what's left of today in the calm peacefulness of my tiny little house, and pray tomorrow is a better day.

The purpose of this blog is not to get into a 'he said, she said'. Nor do I choose to get into the gory details of everything I have been put through. I'm writing because I cannot possibly be the only person who has gone through this type of pain, and found a way past it. I've read other books like, "Divorce Sucks" by Mary Jo Eustace, ex-wife of Dean Spelling (as in Tori Spelling). Divorce books are great, however, mostly written after the fact. This will be different as I plan to write as I go.

While intellectually I assume that I will get past the pain, emotionally I'm just not quite sure. Everyday is different. Every minute is different. Anything can set me off, into any type of reaction. One minute I may be crying my eyes out as I drive down the street. The next I may be cussing out the coffee shop girl who had the nerve to look at me cross-eyed. I just don't know what is going to happen next. I have been blind-sided, and this blog is for every women who didn't see it coming (Sandra Bullock). And for every man as well, who did right by his women, took care of her, loved her, and then found out later she was cheating with the gardener while he was at work. And then had the nerve to say, "Well you're never home."

This blog is for those of us who don't deserve what we have been put through. In fact, lets just say I was a drug-addicted street-walking prostitute. I STILL don't deserve what I've been put through. Yet somehow I have tolerated it. I'm going to write until I convince myself, and hopefully you, that 'this' is not o.k. Whatever your 'this' is, you deserve better. I deserve better.

Letter from my mother-who is always right!

Darling daughter: Don't be sad. Go outside and look at the sky and feel the breeze. Smell the Sea and the flowers. Notice all that God has done and ask him to rule your life and be willing to listen to him. He sees all the issues involved in a matter and has complete entire knowledge . He reads the heart he notes ignorance, negligence or willful sin. Shannon will reap the whirlwind if he is sinning. Life is too short to be angry.
Think of all your blessings from God, Beauty, Jade, Beau, Sam, & Health etc.. Remember Jehovah God loves you. Jesus does too & so do I. You have many that love you. The bible says Satin was thrown out of heaven. When he came to the earth it says beware because he knows his time is short and he goes around like a roaring lion waiting to devour. Read Gods Word and you will live forever in a paradise where there is no sadness, sickness or death. What a wonderful promise!
With lot's of love Mother

Keeping it real

O.K. It's 2pm in sunny California. I REALLY need to clean my house & then get ready for work. It's a short shift tonight, so it shouldn't be that hard. The problem is I'M SO SAD! I just wanna cry. Went across the street to the beach and laid in the sun for an hour, thinking that would cheer me up. A little sunshine for me usually goes a long way. How do I turn off my brain? I'm just so sad. I can't stop thinking about how f'd up things are. or how did things get so f'd up? I'm crying while i'm writing this. God! I'm a mess!
I need to clean my house, I need to get ready for work, instead i'm sitting at my computer, crying, doing nothing of what I need to do.
My therapist (yes, Im in therapy too!) says its good for me to cry. It doesn't feel good. It feels bad! I feel bad! It's gonna take a lot for me to pull myself together.

working helps

Last night I bartended a great party. Working helps. Too bad my ex sent me a pic of baby gurl while I was at the job. I don't know why he does that. He always sends me pics when he has Jade even if its just a couple of hours. I sent him a pic of the super hot belly dancer my clients had come in and dance at their party. What does the ex do? Of course sends me a txt back, "you guys have a good time." You guys who???? I mean, you can see a large group of people sitting around a circle and a belly dancer in the middle. It's clear I'm at a house with a bunch of people I've never socialized with before. He knows I bartend private events. So why does he send txt, "you guys have a good time." I just want to cuss him out! I'm working stupid!

The beginning

I never thought I would be in this position at this time in my life. My hopes and dreams were completely different from where I am at now. I had so many beautiful things planned. A thriving business, a husband I loved, a beautiful baby girl, making money, building a dream home. I even had the design picked out!

Instead, I find myself broke, alone, and desperate! Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy! I cry a lot! I've never been a crier, now I find myself crying at odd times, like when I'm driving down the road, and I mean crying hard, where I can't see! It's crazy!

So after 6 months of living separately, it appears that divorce is inevitable. It's so sad. I loved my husband. I must find the strength to move on, for me and my daughter. I cannot live like I have been. It's not good for me or her.

I will write, and hopefully someone will read this and be able to relate. Maybe I will come out a stronger person in the end, and hopefully take someone with me. If you like this and think you might want to follow. please subscribe & tell your friends!

another day?

up at 5 a.m. Can't sleep! So tired of not being able to sleep. I look at my beautiful daughter sleeping peacefully. I'm jealous! My mind begins to race from the very moment I wake up. I try to get on my knees and pray, hoping that will turn off the noise in my head. Mostly I think and re-think about all the conversations, what I want to say, but can't, how words get twisted, all the crap I'm dealing with.

Then I go over trying to to remain calm & serene. After all , the day hasn't even began yet! What can I do today to maintain my serenity. I have a copy of coffee. That's always a good start. Piping hot and full of cream and sugar!

I think I'll take a hot shower and think (there I go again) of what I can do today to remain peaceful!

The craziness

Found out early a.m. that ex broke into my fb page and posted as If I posted. Another day, another thing to deal with. Im tryin real hard to keep a positive attitude, and keep it moving, with a smile on my face. All this bad energy is not good for baby gurl!