GETTING OUT OF BED

I started out this morning praying to God to just get me out of bed.  Please God, just let me get out of bed and do one thing that I need to do today.  It's really not as easy as it sounds.  I'd much prefer to lay in bed, cry, eat, and do nothing.  It takes a lot of effort to just get up.  If I did not have a four year old daughter, I know for sure, I would not get up.
Sometimes I think about that.  If I didn't have my daughter would I ever get out of bed?  Maybe I would just lay there forever until the smell coming from my apartment would have the neighbors call the police.  For real.  Of course, first I would eat everything, which is about two weeks worth of food. But after the food was gone, what then?  Would I get out of bed?  Nope.  I don't think so. I wouldn't feel like going to the store, or taking a shower, or getting dressed.  Getting dressed is such an effort!  Geez, I'd like to look cute, because after all I am single again, but really, who can look cute with big puffy eyes.  Or..I start out with good intentions and manage to put myself slightly together.  But because I ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat, or for any unknown reason, what difference does it make?  I should probably just stay in sweats.  I will at least be comfortable.
I wonder if anyone would even check on me.  I doubt it.  I have teenagers.  That says it all.  They would never notice I wasn't around.  No one on my ex's side of the family checks on me, and my family stopped long ago.  My crazy ex called all my friends and told them I was crazy, so now they just wanna steer clear until the tornado blows over.
HOWEVER, as I said, I started out praying to God, to just get me out of bed today and let me do one thing.  Instead of one thing, many things have happened.  I've been calling all around the state of California and the city I live in, and calling the Veteran's administration and everywhere else I can think of, because the bottom line is, I went from running a business I didn't get paid for, to really having no income at all.  Before the money just went back into the house. I've gone through all my savings and will be broker then broke in about one minute.  Thus I've been taking serious preventive action.
Believe it or not, after months of taking preventive action my hard work has started to pay off.  There are some options!  Thank you God.  Best news I've had all day! All week, or all month.  While I do not have specific monetary support, or specific housing information, or specifically knowing where my next meal will come from, or how I will make my car payment.  I do have HOPE.  So I HAVE gotten very far today.  And Thank You God for getting me out of bed!

What we write - What people read

I wrote about how I'm in a depressed funk, and then next day I got a whole bunch of spam mail about depression!  'Here, take this pill, it cures depression'.  I guess the spam mail didn't read my blog!  I clearly stated I don't believe in taking pills.  It's a personnel choice.

I wrote Kim Vs. Countess from Atlanta housewife's and N.Y. Housewife's.  Funny how everyone bagged on Kim about how she couldn't sing, but no one is even mentioning to the 'Countess' that she can't even come close to carrying a tune.  It's laughable really.  I sit on the edge of my bed, just waiting for someone to say, Sorry, Countess, but you really cannot sing."  Yet NO ONE does.  They keep addressing her as 'Countess' and telling her how fabulous she is.  She is fabulous, but she CANNOT sing.  There I said it!  Lots of people had a comment regarding my housewife's post.  Yet NO ONE seemed to care about the post below:

http://www.military.com/news/article/policeman-shoots-unarmed-marine-13-times.html.  
POLICEMAN SHOOTS UNARMED MAN 13 times.
The above link was sent to me via www.military.com.  As a veteran, I subscribe.  This is the most horrific article I have ever read! I posted this on my facebook news feed, yet no one made not ONE comment!.  I then looked for it this morning and somehow it was taken down.  And not by me.  I couldn't find it anywhere.  hmmmm.  FYI. I don't even live in Maryland where the incident took place.  Nor do I know the family.   I posted it because stories like these, involving police officers somehow seem to get buried.  Disappear. Like my facebook post.

I started out blogging about how I'M so tired of being depressed.  Then I read a story about a Marine, shot by policeman 13 times, at a club, after doing a tour in Iraq, cuz the marine made a comment to the cop's women.  And I have the nerve to be depressed.  There is so much more going on then me! 

Today, I will shake off whatever bad mood I'm in.  Pray that I and my children are alive, and Thank God for every moment I have.  Even the rough ones!

Depression is Depressing

Depression is Depressing!  Honestly, How do people that have this disease function?  I've been depressed for several months now and I just cant take it anymore!  I'm so tired of being depressed!  I have no energy.  I can barely get out of bed.  I force myself to get out of bed!  It takes a great deal of will on a regular basis to actually get up and do things.  I have a long list of things I need to take care of everyday.  Yet I am so depressed, I can barely do them.  Life functioning things-things that if I don't do there are going to major problems.  I'm not talking about things like washing my hair, or getting my nails done.  I'm talking about survival!  Yet, still, I'm so depressed I can barely do what I have to do in order to survive.  This sucks!
I cry at any given moment.  Like right now. I'm crying! ridiculous!  I'm sad and depressed and crying because I know I have so many things things to take care of and I just don't know if I can do them.  Things like keeping food in the refrigerator, keeping my lights and gas on....etc etc.  Yet I sit here and cry! Depressing! Shit!
I hear and read that there are things you can do to get of a depressed state of mind.  Oh really?  Like go for a run?  Yeah, I tried that.  I've tried that on several occasions.  You know what happens to me?  When I start running, I start REALLY balling my eyes out.  Like crying so hard, I can't see where I'm going! I get an hour to exercise and it's so quite and peaceful and then I start thinking about all the crap I've been through in the last 7 months and I really just start sobbing uncontrollably.  Or I run by all the beautiful houses near my tiny little apartment and I really start crying, because of course, I should have all of that if not for the circumstances that have left me with nothing, which we won't get into because if we do, I won't finish this blog.  I'll be too depressed.  So no, exercise does not do it for me.
Eat some ice cream.  No not that either, that doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse.  I don't even love ice cream and if I eat snacks or crap that's not good for me, I just feel fat after and that makes me more depressed.
Take a pill.  I've never been good at taking pills.  Hence, my four year old daughter!  Plus- pills for depression, I've heard makes you feel nothing and lethargic.  I need energy to take care of stuff not a pill that will make my head fuzzy.
Crap!
I guess I'll just ride it out.

Vodka & Cream Soda

I'm sitting here writing this blog with a Vodka & Cream Soda in my hand.  Pretty talented huh? I woke up this morning with my boxing gloves on, ready to take on the crap that I have been avoiding for many months now.  I haven't wanted to file for divorce, or legal separation, or anything.  I don't know why.  I guess I have been hoping in the back of my mind, that the EX would just wake up one day and see that he has seriously lost his mind, and get the help he needs. 
This is not the man I married.  The man I have been dealing with the last 7 months, more like the last year and seven months, is not the person that I married.  This is not the person I took vows with.  The is some other person that has lost his mind, and since he was a perfectly rational person (with a few exceptions) over the last 7 years I have just been assuming that he will somehow become that rational person again.  The reason that I am typing with a Vodka/Cream soda in my hand is that I am now realizing that it's just not going to happen.
And so today, I will pour myself a drink and give myself permission to just cry over the sadness of it all.
I started out this day ready to fight.  5 a.m. up bright and early because of course, I cannot sleep.  The weekend threw another obstacle in my face.  You see my EX, has made it so, that I can no longer speak to his sister.  His sister who I spoke to every day.  His sister who has four daughters, all around the same age as my daughter.  His sister who we used to go over her house every other weekend at least, and all the girls would play together.  Now, she does not take my calls.  He has told her she is not allowed to speak to me, thus, my daughter cannot see her cousins.  My daughter misses her cousins, and loves her cousins, and talks about them.  She asks when she can see them.  I feel like this:
It's not enough that you have destroyed every part of my life that I was comfortable in.  Now you have to worm your way to messing with my daughter.  Why? On the off chance that I may ask your sister to babysit ONE night and have a night out?  It's bad enough that i accepted everything you have done, turned my cheek as if perhaps I may have somehow deserved it. You didn't go too far when you gave our address out over the Internet to meet up with some ho, it wasn't too far when you moved into the house you moved into (you know what I mean), it wasn't too far when you sent me pics of other women you were messing with via text, it wasn't too far when you accused me of doing things that I didn't even THINK of doing.  Yet somehow, NOT letting my daughter see her cousins is very definitely going too too far!
So I woke up with boxing gloves on, and went straight to the library filling out all the forms I need to file Separation Papers. I got thru the first 40 forms and then just broke down.  The sadness of it all is overwhelming.
 I'm giving you the business, the one that I started for you.  Remember?  The one you were so grateful that I started.  You didn' t even know you could just start your own business.  Remember the money I gave you for your first truck?  Remember how I borrowed my friends car so I could teach you how to drive a stick, so you could go to truck driving school? Remember how happy you were to have a business checking account in yours & my name?  Remember all that?
Anyway, so here I sit with a Vodka/Cream Soda.  A delicious drink by the way.  I will finish my forms in the morning, I will have an attorney look at them and see if it was done correctly.  If he fights me on child support or spousal support I will take out a loan and fight him for every last dime he has.  After all he wouldn't have a dime if it wasn't for me.
I am so sad, and devasted and wonder if I could have done anything different.  But in fact I could not.

When to let go

I recently read when Sandra Bullock found out about her husband, Jesse James affairs, she immediately left the house they shared together and moved somewhere else.  For many weeks we heard from the media and on shows like TMZ that she was filing for divorce, then she wasn't filing for divorce, they were getting back together, they weren't getting back together.   It wasn't until months later she came out with the story of her adopted child and the fact that she indeed, had already filed for divorce.
My question is when is that decision made?  Did she decide right away?  My problem is, I cannot decide whether I should actually file for divorce.  Honestly, I don't know what I'm waiting for.  I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I keep hoping that he will change.  I know how absurd that sounds.  I sound like a women on the Maury Povich Show.  The kind of women that Maury says, "we caught your husband with a decoy, you caught him in bed with another women, why are you still with him?  and the women answers lamely, "cuz I love him Maury." and the whole audience goes crazy and thinks she's a dumb b**ch.

That's me.  A dumb bi**h! My circumstances have not been exactly the same.  I have never actually caught my husband physically cheating.  I have caught him on the Internet on some singles website, chatting it up with various other women on numerous occasions.  I have caught him emailing another women about how much fun he had when he pulled over on the side of the road in his big rig and she came out to meet and make-out with him.  I have caught him giving out our address over the Internet.  Physically I have not caught him in the actual act.  He says it was just talk and he didn't mean anything by it.  I guess I'll never know.

I have spent the last six months in therapy.  An appointment my husband forced me into making stating that "it's all my fault and if I don't go to therapy to find out why I'm so bitchy then he's not coming back."
Therapy was a great idea, and I thank him for making me go.  What I learned, was in fact, it is not ALL my fault, and any other women, giving the same circumstances would probably be bitchy too!
I have listened to my husband blame me for everything.  The list is so long for things he is blaming me for,  that I would just rather not itemize them.  Suffice it to say that it boils down to, "I was mean and treated him bad."
But here's the thing, it's very possible I was mean.  Honestly, I really don't know who wouldn't be.  My husband spent more time on the Internet, sleeping, and hanging with his homies then he ever did with me, my daughter, or my step-son.  Let alone spend time with my two older kids.  He has continued to really just go way out of his way to be extremely verbally abusive to me.  He has continued in the lifestyle that got us we we are today.  The things he has done to me personally are so foul, I just would rather not tell anyone.  It's embarrassing. I have told my therapist who tells me "I have every right to never speak to him again."
So why haven't I filed for divorce?  I mean, do I really think he is going to change? And how much more insults and assaults toward my character, undeservedly disrespecting my parenting, and phone calls to my family should I really tolerate before I give up?
I would really love to hear your comments if you have had a similar situation.

Mother's Day 2010

Ahhh, Mother's Day.  Here's the part where I should be so happy and excited I am a mother.  But I have teenagers!  I also have a four year old.  My teenagers are putting me through, what everyone warned me about, including my own mother. "one day you'll have kids of your own."  "Wait until you have your own kids." "Be careful what you do, because it all comes back to you."
My only comfort is that I believe I have paid for my sins, and my four year old daughter will not put me through it again.  "God doesn't give you more then you can handle." My teenage boys have put me through enough, that I shouldn't have to go through it again.  I believe it's an even slate for everything I put my parents through, and then some.
My four year daughter is already smarter then the teenagers!  She knows today is mommy's day!  Today I will cook, because that's what I find relaxing.  I think I will cook all day, and drink while I'm doing it!  I found Souplantations' recipe for corn muffins and I plan on baking those.  I plan on making Giant, fattening burgers with all the fixins, avocado's, bacon, cheese, mushrooms, hot sauce, and anything else I can think of to put on my delicious burgers! That should be fun!  Today I will do what I want, and not feel guilty about it.  Today will be about me.
Lastly, my sister in law has invited me over for mothers day dinner.  It's just too sad.  Every time I start thinking about if I should go or not, I just start crying.  My still-husband will be there.  It's too sad for me.  The whole situation.  I think today, mostly, I will stay at home and take care of myself, and not go.
Happy Mothers Day to those who are.

Minute by minute

Every day is different, every minute in fact.  I started out writing this blog at the recommendation of my therapist.  She didn't say exactly, "go blog".  What she said was,  "it might be helpful to keep a journal."
Here is my journal.
  What I am finding out is that each day brings with it a new and different emotion.  Sometimes each minute. The past six months have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Sometimes just so strong I cannot take it!  I feel sick to my stomach, like I'm going to throw up.  Mostly I just keep forging ahead.  By forging ahead, I mean I get up in the morning, actually out of bed, and start my day.  Early in fact, 7a.m.  While I don't have a particular 9-5 job, I do have a job, several in fact. 
One of them is taking care of my four-year-old daughter, without completely breaking down in front of her.  Taking care of her means maintaining as much calm and routine as possible in an otherwise chaotic world.  She does not know that we were almost homeless due to the fact daddy walked out November 4th and took his paycheck with him.  That would be the paycheck from the business/partnership we built together.  While he did pay rent in Novemeber he did not pay Gas, Electric, Cable, phone, etc. any other household bills.  We had already paid last months rent when we moved in to the 3 bedroom house we had lived in for four years.  It was up to me to find a new house to live in by January, and still maintain some sort of serenity to my daughters' life.  It was up to me to pack all our belongings and move our whole house. It was up to me to take care of her birthday in November and Christmas in December.  It was up to me to deal with a whole bunch of issues I never saw coming.
I guess that's the hardest part.  I just didn't see this coming.  I was completely blind-sided. HARD. Obviously I knew we were fighting a lot, but I just didn't think I married the kind of guy that would just walk out.  There were signs of course.  Every few months accidentally coming across his profile on a singles website.  The email messages to other women telling them how fine they were. He always explained it away saying, it was just talk.  Giving out our address should have been a big red flag, but I chose to ignore it.  And that was a choice I made.  Looking back, I should have chose to start stashing cash.  But I didn't.  I was dumb.  The late night out with the fellas every weekend.  No time for wifey.  All clear signs. duh!
So here I am.  Sad, broke, and alone.  Wondering what the hell happened.  He says, "I'm a bitch."  My answer now is, "of course I am!"
Another minute has passed by since writing this blog.  I will chose not to let him win.  Over my dead body, he will not break me. I will get off this computer, clean my house til it sparkles, pick up my daughter from school, and cook a yummy gourmet meal, while drinking a glass of wine.  And while I do that, I will Thank God, that I do not have someone breathing down my neck, telling me how tired they are, or how they just want to be left alone, or how hard they had to work today, but 8pm they're gonna go out with the fellas, "to relieve some stress."  I will enjoy what's left of today in the calm peacefulness of my tiny little house, and pray tomorrow is a better day.

Letter from my mother-who is always right!

Darling daughter: Don't be sad. Go outside and look at the sky and feel the breeze. Smell the Sea and the flowers. Notice all that God has done and ask him to rule your life and be willing to listen to him. He sees all the issues involved in a matter and has complete entire knowledge . He reads the heart he notes ignorance, negligence or willful sin. Shannon will reap the whirlwind if he is sinning. Life is too short to be angry.
Think of all your blessings from God, Beauty, Jade, Beau, Sam, & Health etc.. Remember Jehovah God loves you. Jesus does too & so do I. You have many that love you. The bible says Satin was thrown out of heaven. When he came to the earth it says beware because he knows his time is short and he goes around like a roaring lion waiting to devour. Read Gods Word and you will live forever in a paradise where there is no sadness, sickness or death. What a wonderful promise!
With lot's of love Mother

another day?

up at 5 a.m. Can't sleep! So tired of not being able to sleep. I look at my beautiful daughter sleeping peacefully. I'm jealous! My mind begins to race from the very moment I wake up. I try to get on my knees and pray, hoping that will turn off the noise in my head. Mostly I think and re-think about all the conversations, what I want to say, but can't, how words get twisted, all the crap I'm dealing with.

Then I go over trying to to remain calm & serene. After all , the day hasn't even began yet! What can I do today to maintain my serenity. I have a copy of coffee. That's always a good start. Piping hot and full of cream and sugar!

I think I'll take a hot shower and think (there I go again) of what I can do today to remain peaceful!