I'm sitting here writing this blog with a Vodka & Cream Soda in my hand. Pretty talented huh? I woke up this morning with my boxing gloves on, ready to take on the crap that I have been avoiding for many months now. I haven't wanted to file for divorce, or legal separation, or anything. I don't know why. I guess I have been hoping in the back of my mind, that the EX would just wake up one day and see that he has seriously lost his mind, and get the help he needs.
This is not the man I married. The man I have been dealing with the last 7 months, more like the last year and seven months, is not the person that I married. This is not the person I took vows with. The is some other person that has lost his mind, and since he was a perfectly rational person (with a few exceptions) over the last 7 years I have just been assuming that he will somehow become that rational person again. The reason that I am typing with a Vodka/Cream soda in my hand is that I am now realizing that it's just not going to happen.
And so today, I will pour myself a drink and give myself permission to just cry over the sadness of it all.
I started out this day ready to fight. 5 a.m. up bright and early because of course, I cannot sleep. The weekend threw another obstacle in my face. You see my EX, has made it so, that I can no longer speak to his sister. His sister who I spoke to every day. His sister who has four daughters, all around the same age as my daughter. His sister who we used to go over her house every other weekend at least, and all the girls would play together. Now, she does not take my calls. He has told her she is not allowed to speak to me, thus, my daughter cannot see her cousins. My daughter misses her cousins, and loves her cousins, and talks about them. She asks when she can see them. I feel like this:
It's not enough that you have destroyed every part of my life that I was comfortable in. Now you have to worm your way to messing with my daughter. Why? On the off chance that I may ask your sister to babysit ONE night and have a night out? It's bad enough that i accepted everything you have done, turned my cheek as if perhaps I may have somehow deserved it. You didn't go too far when you gave our address out over the Internet to meet up with some ho, it wasn't too far when you moved into the house you moved into (you know what I mean), it wasn't too far when you sent me pics of other women you were messing with via text, it wasn't too far when you accused me of doing things that I didn't even THINK of doing. Yet somehow, NOT letting my daughter see her cousins is very definitely going too too far!
So I woke up with boxing gloves on, and went straight to the library filling out all the forms I need to file Separation Papers. I got thru the first 40 forms and then just broke down. The sadness of it all is overwhelming.
I'm giving you the business, the one that I started for you. Remember? The one you were so grateful that I started. You didn' t even know you could just start your own business. Remember the money I gave you for your first truck? Remember how I borrowed my friends car so I could teach you how to drive a stick, so you could go to truck driving school? Remember how happy you were to have a business checking account in yours & my name? Remember all that?
Anyway, so here I sit with a Vodka/Cream Soda. A delicious drink by the way. I will finish my forms in the morning, I will have an attorney look at them and see if it was done correctly. If he fights me on child support or spousal support I will take out a loan and fight him for every last dime he has. After all he wouldn't have a dime if it wasn't for me.
I am so sad, and devasted and wonder if I could have done anything different. But in fact I could not.