Saturday, May 29, 2010

Ready for Battle

Today started out so beautifully.  A holiday weekend in sunny California and what could be better!  I love living here.  I love the sunshine and the beaches and will always be a die-hard California girl.  My dermatologist constantly warns me of the dangers sunbathing.  Now, I wear a big floppy hat, huge sunglasses and a t-shirt over my chest!  I like getting my arms and legs tan though and still venture to the beach on a weekly basis.  I feel like nothing is better for my four year old daughter then an hour or two playing in the sun and sea water! wears her out!
It's been extremely difficult keeping my head up.  I made a promise to myself not to write about depressing things and so I won't.  I'll just say this past week has definitely been one of those weeks that 'If it doesn't kill me, It'll make me stronger."  Often I feel I may die soon.  Just when I overcome one obstacle another is thrown in my face.  My faith is huge and I know I will get through.  I just don't know how.
After a beautiful day, tonight another obstacle had been thrown at me.  It's really time that I finish crying and put on my boxing gloves and get ready to fight.  Certain circumstances have made it clear that I need to really buck up and become the gangsta that I am.  I can no longer hang my head and hope that things work out.  They will not.  I must take care of myself and my daughter.  If I don't no one else will.
So I will put on my gloves and get ready for what is sure to be a vicious battle.  Any words of encouragement will be greatly appreciated as I will need every ounce of strength I have.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

When to let go

I recently read when Sandra Bullock found out about her husband, Jesse James affairs, she immediately left the house they shared together and moved somewhere else.  For many weeks we heard from the media and on shows like TMZ that she was filing for divorce, then she wasn't filing for divorce, they were getting back together, they weren't getting back together.   It wasn't until months later she came out with the story of her adopted child and the fact that she indeed, had already filed for divorce.
My question is when is that decision made?  Did she decide right away?  My problem is, I cannot decide whether I should actually file for divorce.  Honestly, I don't know what I'm waiting for.  I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I keep hoping that he will change.  I know how absurd that sounds.  I sound like a women on the Maury Povich Show.  The kind of women that Maury says, "we caught your husband with a decoy, you caught him in bed with another women, why are you still with him?  and the women answers lamely, "cuz I love him Maury." and the whole audience goes crazy and thinks she's a dumb b**ch.

That's me.  A dumb bi**h! My circumstances have not been exactly the same.  I have never actually caught my husband physically cheating.  I have caught him on the Internet on some singles website, chatting it up with various other women on numerous occasions.  I have caught him emailing another women about how much fun he had when he pulled over on the side of the road in his big rig and she came out to meet and make-out with him.  I have caught him giving out our address over the Internet.  Physically I have not caught him in the actual act.  He says it was just talk and he didn't mean anything by it.  I guess I'll never know.

I have spent the last six months in therapy.  An appointment my husband forced me into making stating that "it's all my fault and if I don't go to therapy to find out why I'm so bitchy then he's not coming back."
Therapy was a great idea, and I thank him for making me go.  What I learned, was in fact, it is not ALL my fault, and any other women, giving the same circumstances would probably be bitchy too!
I have listened to my husband blame me for everything.  The list is so long for things he is blaming me for,  that I would just rather not itemize them.  Suffice it to say that it boils down to, "I was mean and treated him bad."
But here's the thing, it's very possible I was mean.  Honestly, I really don't know who wouldn't be.  My husband spent more time on the Internet, sleeping, and hanging with his homies then he ever did with me, my daughter, or my step-son.  Let alone spend time with my two older kids.  He has continued to really just go way out of his way to be extremely verbally abusive to me.  He has continued in the lifestyle that got us we we are today.  The things he has done to me personally are so foul, I just would rather not tell anyone.  It's embarrassing. I have told my therapist who tells me "I have every right to never speak to him again."
So why haven't I filed for divorce?  I mean, do I really think he is going to change? And how much more insults and assaults toward my character, undeservedly disrespecting my parenting, and phone calls to my family should I really tolerate before I give up?
I would really love to hear your comments if you have had a similar situation.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Age is just a number. Or is it?

I have never really paid attention to my age.  I have the mentality that 'age is just a number'. It's just never been an issue with me.  I realize that other people do have issues with age.  Some women feel the 'time clock ticking' some men feel 'they've past their prime'.  I've never really gotten any of that.  Other people have had an issue with my age.  I never have.
For instance.  When I met my husband, who happens to be nine years younger then me, many people asked, "how old is he?"  When his mother met me, she asked, "how old is she?'  When I got pregnant, I heard a lot,  "a women your age..."  I was always confused when I heard this.  First of all, I was reminded how old I really am.  For many years I have been telling those who asked, how old I FEEL. I Feel a certain age. I am numerically a different age then what I feel. Age is just a number.
The other day someone asked me, "How old are you?"  For so many years I have been telling people how old I feel.  At this point in life, I have decided to tell people how old I really am.  First of all, they don't believe me.  No one does.  Maybe it's because I have been saying how old I feel for so many years, that I now project that out onto the universe.  Maybe, it's because I look good.  Maybe it's because I have been running everyday, maybe it's because I have a better body then most 20-year-olds.   Maybe because, thanks to my fabulous doctors at the V.A, hospital, I get lazor treatment every 3 months on my face!  Whatever the reason is, I don't look my age.  I like having people tell me, "your kidding!."
However. Today. I feel my age.  Actually this whole divorce thing has really made me take a hard look at where I am in my life.  I should be taking vacations, and getting ready for retirement and owning my own home, and settling into 'the relaxing years'  As old as that makes me sound.  That's where I should be at this point in my life. 
I did have a plan.  My plan was to own a small business with my spouse, raise our baby girl, maybe expand our business to where we made enough money to build our dream home, and live happily ever after.  Not the richest, but not poorest either.  I am comfortable being a housewife, raising my kids.  In fact I think it's the most important job a women can have.  I don't need a 'career' to feel important.  When I hear my daughter laugh so hard because I'm tickling her, or when I see she's learning to read, because I am reading to her, there is nothing that makes me feel more important.  That's it.
Since my husband walked out.  My whole focus has shifted to 'what am I to do', instead of pursuing goals.  Now I find myself focusing on age.  I heard the other day on the radio President Obama's age. I almost crashed my car.  OMG!  The frickin President of the United States is only a few years older then me?  He's The President of The United States! I immediately burst into tears. I am a loser!  It's officially official.
And so, while age is a just a number to some people.  Today it means everything to me.

Monday, May 10, 2010

To be fine or not to be fine

My husband, or ex-husband, or soon-to-be-ex, or jerk I'm dealing with, or WHATEVER he is, invited me out for Mother's Day dinner.  It's true that he called at 5pm, and then told me how 'it's only natural' for him to be thinking about his baby momma on Mother's day, and would I like to go.  It was an invitation.  We decided on drinks and appetizers and I thought it would be a harmless hour or so.  What could go wrong?  Since my four year old goes everywhere I go, she came too.  Should be a nice evening.
Within the first 30 seconds of sitting down at the restaurant, daddy proceeded to send baby girl pics of seals jumping around making seal noises.  So I ask if he went to Sea World or something.  He tells me no, he went to Pismo Beach.  Now, I know damn well that he didn't drive down the coast to Pismo Beach with his homies.  Obviously he had a date.  Fine. No problem.  Probably some Internet ho, I think to myself.  When his little ploy didn't work, he then proceeds to tell me how fine I look. "thanks" I say.  He then laughs and says, "you not gonna tell me how fine I look, or say anything back?"
uhhh..nooooo.  This is mothers day after all and we are supposed to be talking about me, not how fine you are.  He then tells me how, "when he walks into a room, the women stop breathing!"  or how some women paid him two hundred dollars just to go out.  I tell him he doesn't have to be a prostitute. He's better then that.(?)  Then he tells me everywhere he goes, women stop and stare. 
mental note: next guy I date, will be ugly.
The point is, this is nothing new.  I used to ignore his ramblings about 'how fine' he is, as just an endearing quality.  "oh, that's so cute, he thinks he's fine."  Now, he just gets on my nerves!  I thought it was Mother's Day.  I don't care how 'women stop breathing when he walks into a room."
As a self-confident women, I know other men check me out.  I don't feel the need to tell him, or anyone else, "did you see that guy checking me out?" It's just the way it is.  And fellows, honestly, if you're fine. we know it.  You don't have to tell us.  If you're fine and your telling us, what your really telling us, is that you are super insecure with yourself.  You have problems.  If your fine and your telling us, what you're really saying is "I'm fine, but pathetic."  Do us all a favor.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself how good you look, but keep your opinion to yourself.  If you are fine, we already know.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day 2010

Ahhh, Mother's Day.  Here's the part where I should be so happy and excited I am a mother.  But I have teenagers!  I also have a four year old.  My teenagers are putting me through, what everyone warned me about, including my own mother. "one day you'll have kids of your own."  "Wait until you have your own kids." "Be careful what you do, because it all comes back to you."
My only comfort is that I believe I have paid for my sins, and my four year old daughter will not put me through it again.  "God doesn't give you more then you can handle." My teenage boys have put me through enough, that I shouldn't have to go through it again.  I believe it's an even slate for everything I put my parents through, and then some.
My four year daughter is already smarter then the teenagers!  She knows today is mommy's day!  Today I will cook, because that's what I find relaxing.  I think I will cook all day, and drink while I'm doing it!  I found Souplantations' recipe for corn muffins and I plan on baking those.  I plan on making Giant, fattening burgers with all the fixins, avocado's, bacon, cheese, mushrooms, hot sauce, and anything else I can think of to put on my delicious burgers! That should be fun!  Today I will do what I want, and not feel guilty about it.  Today will be about me.
Lastly, my sister in law has invited me over for mothers day dinner.  It's just too sad.  Every time I start thinking about if I should go or not, I just start crying.  My still-husband will be there.  It's too sad for me.  The whole situation.  I think today, mostly, I will stay at home and take care of myself, and not go.
Happy Mothers Day to those who are.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Minute by minute

Every day is different, every minute in fact.  I started out writing this blog at the recommendation of my therapist.  She didn't say exactly, "go blog".  What she said was,  "it might be helpful to keep a journal."
Here is my journal.
  What I am finding out is that each day brings with it a new and different emotion.  Sometimes each minute. The past six months have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Sometimes just so strong I cannot take it!  I feel sick to my stomach, like I'm going to throw up.  Mostly I just keep forging ahead.  By forging ahead, I mean I get up in the morning, actually out of bed, and start my day.  Early in fact, 7a.m.  While I don't have a particular 9-5 job, I do have a job, several in fact. 
One of them is taking care of my four-year-old daughter, without completely breaking down in front of her.  Taking care of her means maintaining as much calm and routine as possible in an otherwise chaotic world.  She does not know that we were almost homeless due to the fact daddy walked out November 4th and took his paycheck with him.  That would be the paycheck from the business/partnership we built together.  While he did pay rent in Novemeber he did not pay Gas, Electric, Cable, phone, etc. any other household bills.  We had already paid last months rent when we moved in to the 3 bedroom house we had lived in for four years.  It was up to me to find a new house to live in by January, and still maintain some sort of serenity to my daughters' life.  It was up to me to pack all our belongings and move our whole house. It was up to me to take care of her birthday in November and Christmas in December.  It was up to me to deal with a whole bunch of issues I never saw coming.
I guess that's the hardest part.  I just didn't see this coming.  I was completely blind-sided. HARD. Obviously I knew we were fighting a lot, but I just didn't think I married the kind of guy that would just walk out.  There were signs of course.  Every few months accidentally coming across his profile on a singles website.  The email messages to other women telling them how fine they were. He always explained it away saying, it was just talk.  Giving out our address should have been a big red flag, but I chose to ignore it.  And that was a choice I made.  Looking back, I should have chose to start stashing cash.  But I didn't.  I was dumb.  The late night out with the fellas every weekend.  No time for wifey.  All clear signs. duh!
So here I am.  Sad, broke, and alone.  Wondering what the hell happened.  He says, "I'm a bitch."  My answer now is, "of course I am!"
Another minute has passed by since writing this blog.  I will chose not to let him win.  Over my dead body, he will not break me. I will get off this computer, clean my house til it sparkles, pick up my daughter from school, and cook a yummy gourmet meal, while drinking a glass of wine.  And while I do that, I will Thank God, that I do not have someone breathing down my neck, telling me how tired they are, or how they just want to be left alone, or how hard they had to work today, but 8pm they're gonna go out with the fellas, "to relieve some stress."  I will enjoy what's left of today in the calm peacefulness of my tiny little house, and pray tomorrow is a better day.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The purpose of this blog is not to get into a 'he said, she said'. Nor do I choose to get into the gory details of everything I have been put through. I'm writing because I cannot possibly be the only person who has gone through this type of pain, and found a way past it. I've read other books like, "Divorce Sucks" by Mary Jo Eustace, ex-wife of Dean Spelling (as in Tori Spelling). Divorce books are great, however, mostly written after the fact. This will be different as I plan to write as I go.

While intellectually I assume that I will get past the pain, emotionally I'm just not quite sure. Everyday is different. Every minute is different. Anything can set me off, into any type of reaction. One minute I may be crying my eyes out as I drive down the street. The next I may be cussing out the coffee shop girl who had the nerve to look at me cross-eyed. I just don't know what is going to happen next. I have been blind-sided, and this blog is for every women who didn't see it coming (Sandra Bullock). And for every man as well, who did right by his women, took care of her, loved her, and then found out later she was cheating with the gardener while he was at work. And then had the nerve to say, "Well you're never home."

This blog is for those of us who don't deserve what we have been put through. In fact, lets just say I was a drug-addicted street-walking prostitute. I STILL don't deserve what I've been put through. Yet somehow I have tolerated it. I'm going to write until I convince myself, and hopefully you, that 'this' is not o.k. Whatever your 'this' is, you deserve better. I deserve better.

Letter from my mother-who is always right!

Darling daughter: Don't be sad. Go outside and look at the sky and feel the breeze. Smell the Sea and the flowers. Notice all that God has done and ask him to rule your life and be willing to listen to him. He sees all the issues involved in a matter and has complete entire knowledge . He reads the heart he notes ignorance, negligence or willful sin. Shannon will reap the whirlwind if he is sinning. Life is too short to be angry.
Think of all your blessings from God, Beauty, Jade, Beau, Sam, & Health etc.. Remember Jehovah God loves you. Jesus does too & so do I. You have many that love you. The bible says Satin was thrown out of heaven. When he came to the earth it says beware because he knows his time is short and he goes around like a roaring lion waiting to devour. Read Gods Word and you will live forever in a paradise where there is no sadness, sickness or death. What a wonderful promise!
With lot's of love Mother

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Keeping it real

O.K. It's 2pm in sunny California. I REALLY need to clean my house & then get ready for work. It's a short shift tonight, so it shouldn't be that hard. The problem is I'M SO SAD! I just wanna cry. Went across the street to the beach and laid in the sun for an hour, thinking that would cheer me up. A little sunshine for me usually goes a long way. How do I turn off my brain? I'm just so sad. I can't stop thinking about how f'd up things are. or how did things get so f'd up? I'm crying while i'm writing this. God! I'm a mess!
I need to clean my house, I need to get ready for work, instead i'm sitting at my computer, crying, doing nothing of what I need to do.
My therapist (yes, Im in therapy too!) says its good for me to cry. It doesn't feel good. It feels bad! I feel bad! It's gonna take a lot for me to pull myself together.

working helps

Last night I bartended a great party. Working helps. Too bad my ex sent me a pic of baby gurl while I was at the job. I don't know why he does that. He always sends me pics when he has Jade even if its just a couple of hours. I sent him a pic of the super hot belly dancer my clients had come in and dance at their party. What does the ex do? Of course sends me a txt back, "you guys have a good time." You guys who???? I mean, you can see a large group of people sitting around a circle and a belly dancer in the middle. It's clear I'm at a house with a bunch of people I've never socialized with before. He knows I bartend private events. So why does he send txt, "you guys have a good time." I just want to cuss him out! I'm working stupid!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

The beginning

I never thought I would be in this position at this time in my life. My hopes and dreams were completely different from where I am at now. I had so many beautiful things planned. A thriving business, a husband I loved, a beautiful baby girl, making money, building a dream home. I even had the design picked out!

Instead, I find myself broke, alone, and desperate! Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy! I cry a lot! I've never been a crier, now I find myself crying at odd times, like when I'm driving down the road, and I mean crying hard, where I can't see! It's crazy!

So after 6 months of living separately, it appears that divorce is inevitable. It's so sad. I loved my husband. I must find the strength to move on, for me and my daughter. I cannot live like I have been. It's not good for me or her.

I will write, and hopefully someone will read this and be able to relate. Maybe I will come out a stronger person in the end, and hopefully take someone with me. If you like this and think you might want to follow. please subscribe & tell your friends!

another day?

up at 5 a.m. Can't sleep! So tired of not being able to sleep. I look at my beautiful daughter sleeping peacefully. I'm jealous! My mind begins to race from the very moment I wake up. I try to get on my knees and pray, hoping that will turn off the noise in my head. Mostly I think and re-think about all the conversations, what I want to say, but can't, how words get twisted, all the crap I'm dealing with.

Then I go over trying to to remain calm & serene. After all , the day hasn't even began yet! What can I do today to maintain my serenity. I have a copy of coffee. That's always a good start. Piping hot and full of cream and sugar!

I think I'll take a hot shower and think (there I go again) of what I can do today to remain peaceful!