Wednesday, December 19, 2012


I Am Adam Lanza's Mother': A Mom's Perspective On The Mental Illness Conversation In America Written by Liza Long, republished from The Blue Review

 I read the above article at 6am this morning, after another night of all night praying and crying for my 20 year old son.  He too is mentally ill.
 This time he has been on the street for four days.  He doesn't have any food, nor any money to get food, and it's unconventionally freezing in California right now.  I am worried sick.
Like the author above, I too am learning how to deal with my mentally ill son.  I do not have help.  I am having to do lots of research on my own.  Things like, 'when to detect an episode coming on.'  The tiniest thing can trigger him.  I feel like I'm about to become an expert on mental health issues.  Like most Americans, I really don't want to know about it.  Except that I don't have a choice.
For the longest time I thought my son was on drugs.  I thought his violent behavior was due to drug use.  Today I know that just isn't the case.  I know this because the half dozen times he has been taken to the emergency room via ambulance and crisis unit, they have drug tested him.  I do not have my family's help because they somehow feel that 'he must have brought this on himself', perhaps due to past drug use.  They too, do not understand mental illness.
Like Ms. Long states, "I'd do anything for benefits"  For the longest time I had no health benefits for my son.  He was admitted into the state hospital. The hospital did apply for Medi-cal benefits to cover the hospital fees.  The state hospital was the most horrific place you have ever seen.  It's difficult to describe in words, and brings tears to my eyes to even try.  It's worse then any movie you've ever seen.  The ten days my son was there (because that's all they would keep him for.) were awful.  I would visit him everyday, and everyday I would physically throw up when I left.  I finally convinced my ex husband to purchase health insurance for his son.  He spent many years in the military, and Thank God for that.  The military is the only place I know of that offers really good mental health care.
I too, do not keep sharp knives in the home.  I threw them all away.  It makes for some difficulty when I am trying to cook.  I've emptied my house of everything that could be potentially dangerous.  Things are a little different now, not better, just different.  I know my son is sick, so I treat him differently and don't expect much out of him. He is no longer violent, he just talks to himself a lot. It has been determined by many professionals that he is not a danger to himself or others. He is physically a grown man, yet his mental ability to function that way is just impossible.  He cannot hold a job, or basically care for himself.  So it looks like I am left with a lifetime of caring for him.  I cannot, as his mother, leave him on the street.  To quote Ms. Long, "This is bigger then me".
I have looked for support groups and help as well.  In my case, my son refuses to take medicine.  I might add that he too, is extremely bright (when he's not psychotic) can quote Einstein, genius on Greek Mythology, etc etc.  Interesting how our children share the same common characteristics.  I wonder if Adam Lanza had those same characteristics?  Seems like someone might wake up and say," hmmmm"
  The bottom line is we need better resources for the mentally ill.  period.  We just can't ignore the problem any longer.  I wish and pray that I had better skills to handle my mentally ill son.  It's funny now that I am aware of his illness, I see mentally ill people all over the place.  It's almost like how drug addicts can recognize other drug addicts.  There are many, many, mentally ill people in this world.  I see them everywhere now.  Maybe not as bad as my son, at least not yet.
I don't have any answers.  I wish someone would knock on my door and tell me how to fix this problem.  It's so heartbreaking no one can imagine until they are in this position.  I pray for all those affected by the mentally ill.  I pray for the mentally ill.  I do a lot of praying, and ask that you pray too.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012


   I have posted before that it has been a particularly challenging year for me.  My son is very ill and has been in and out of the hospital a half a dozen times this past year.  He doesn't just go into the hospital either.  It usually requires an ambulance, police, crisis team, etc etc.
  I have a young daughter too, along with other kids, and keeping my own mental stability is a task in itself.  It's difficult to keep things 'normal' when you have a child that is sick.  I am constantly having to remind myself that I have a child that IS NOT sick.
  There are also other problems that life brings.  I don't make enough money to support my family.  Stuck in a job I really don't like.  I don't have anyone to help me.  Bills. blah blah blah
  However, this post is not a complaint.  This post is about gratitude and how thankful  I really feel.  Through this most difficult year ever, I have grown to have a relationship with God.  I have always had what I thought was a relationship, but now I know the difference.  Through this difficult year I have watched miracles happen before my very eyes.  I have stayed up all night, praying to God, and in the morning had that very prayer answered.  I have literally watched miracle after miracle happen.
  I could give some examples: My one son was coming home form the Army, My other son is sick, I have a daughter as I said, and I drive a Smart car!  Uhmmm...Love the Smart car, but definitely not enough room for all the kids.   It was never an issue before, because It was just me and my daughter.  But with all three kids around for the holidays, now it's an issue.  So I prayed about it.  "God, I don't know how this is going to work out, but I need a car that can fit everyone."  and I just kept praying and trusted that it would work out.  Guess what?  Someone gave me a car!  No really!  GAVE it to me!  And its not a junker either!  It's a really nice Hyundai.  seriously.  Now,  the pessimist might say, oh well, a family member gave it to you, it wasn't God.  But I don't believe that.
  Another example:  My son went missing for several days.  Literally missing.  Missing like,  I made flyers and drove around to Laguna Beach and Huntington Beach and handed out flyers and put them on posts, and asked everyone (including cops) if they had seen him.  It physically made me ill.  I can't tell you how many hours/days I spent looking.  It had been almost two weeks.  I hadn't slept at all.  So I stayed up one night all night and asked God to just please return my son to me so that I would know he was safe.  The NEXT morning, my son walked in the door.  I have no idea how he even made it to my house.  He had no money.  Not one dime.  He just appeared!
  There are so many other things that have happened.  Today, I start my day off, on my knees, with a prayer.  The bible says to start prayer off asking for forgiveness.  I try to stick to that.  Then I prayer for what I want, because I believe my God wants me to  live an abundant life full of happiness and joy.  Today I have that.  I still have problems, but they don't look so big anymore.  I feel as though God as with me and that is beautiful
   Prayer Works!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012


My friend, who I haven't spoken to in a couple of weeks called me yesterday to ask me how I'm doing.  Well...Let's see, I have a job I hate and don't make enough money at.  I have a older son who is mentally ill and walks around talking to himself all day!  I have another son who just discharged from the Army, has been sitting at home all day and NOT applying for jobs.  I have a beautiful daughter who is young and impressionable, who I am raising all by myself. 
So how am I doing?  I am so grateful!  I feel so completely blessed!  I know I don't have the 'perfect' family.  Most people in my family are crazy, some more then others, and I am including myself!  I know Im not perfect and I am o.k. with that.  I pray my older son will get better soon because this is not the life I want for him, nor do I believe it is the life God wants for him.  I pray my younger son will get some motivation and go get a job.  I pray my daughter will live an abundant life full of hope and joys and dreams full-filled.  I pray for myself that I will continue to have strength to raise these kids and be happy doing it!  I pray the stress of life won't get me down.
 I know what it is like to have nothing.  Literally.  I know what it is like to have your kid missing and go in search of him,  handing out posters and asking, 'have you seen him'  I know what it is like to go without dinner so your daughter can eat.  I know what it is like to go days without sleep, so filled with worry and angst.
I don't have to do any of that today.  I don't know about tomorrow, but I do know about today.  My God is a God of suddenly's and suddenly it can all change.  So today I am walking in blind faith and gratefulness to be where I am. Only through the grace of God. Literally.

Sunday, November 11, 2012


  Yesterday morning started out as a beautiful Saturday morning.  My young princess woke up lazy as she usually does.  Stretching and yawning for about 20 minutes, before she actually gets out of bed.  This Saturday morning, we were not rushed.  I love those days!  I crawled in bed with her, and we 'took time for snuggles'.  This is very important, as during the week we are almost always rushing out the door.

So I cooked a delicious saturday morning breakfast, and she watched her morning cartoons, playing with her dolls, as I cleaned the house.  I had her in my room in the back, because this Saturday I was working on her room.  All of a sudden I hear this loud bang on my door.  I peer out the window to see who it is, but I cant see from where I'm at.  I go downstairs and ask, "who is it?'

To which my ex-husband (baby daddy) replies it is him.  Now this is a guy that hasn't shown up in my daughter's life in over a year!  A year!  Then he just randomely shows up at my door?  I freaked out!  He has sent one or two emails to myself, and my father spewing about what  a good father he is, and he wants to see his child.  In my book, one email every 8 months does not make for a good father.  In fact it makes for nothing.  Doesn't even deserve a reply.  It isn't even contingent on the fact that he hasn't payed any child support.  The reality is, he missed his daughter's last birthday, and Christmas, didn't even call, nothing.  He lives 30 minutes away, so there is just no excuse.  His last email 3 months ago was about how he is such a good father and how I have changed my phone number several times, and blah blah blah.  All total lies, so I didnt even respond.

Then he shows up at my door! I freaked out!  Shows how unstable he really is.  He can't just show up!  This is where God comes in!  GOD IS SO GOOD!  The ex could have parked in guest parking, two spaces over.  But instead of doing that, he parks in my parking stall, backed in, facing my door!  Total intimidation tactic.  He starts banging on the door, yelling for his daughter.  Another bullying tactic.  What?  He thinks I'm just going to open the door?  No!  I call the police. Police come out.  They tell him he has to work it out in court.  Right!  Just like I have to work out in court the fact that there is a child support order but he is STILL not paying!  I agree with the cops, let him go to court, just like I have to.  In the meantime, he cant show up after a year, and expect me to send my 6 year old out the door.

The cops are about to send him away.  But first they run his name.  UH OH!  Turns out he has two warrants!  Oh yea, and that raggedy car you parked in my spot, tags have been expired for a year!  Guess that goes too!  Tow truck showed up right behind the patty wagon!

Thank You Lord, for your wonderful sense of humor!

Friday, July 6, 2012


I am almost finished with my book!  It's been a learn as I go project.  I've spent a lot of time in the library, reading books like, "get an agent in 30 days" or "publishing for dummies".  In an age of social media and overnight internet sensations, the new questions to ask is, "do I need an publisher?"  or should I self publish? "Do I really need an agent?"  The internet has opened a whole new world.  It's a beautiful thing, but also quite confusing!.
I've done a lot of research.  There are pros and cons to self publishing and a publishing house.  Getting an agent seems to be a 1st on the list of things to do.  The next question is, "Do I complete my manuscript first?" or should I start querying now?  Opinions differ in this area.
I'd love to start querying now, as everything I have read seems to say that this is an art form in itself and must be done with intricate detail.  My gut tells me to finish the book first.  I think I'll finish the book first!
Off I go...more to come later.

Monday, March 26, 2012


  I have not blogged in many months because I have decided not to let another year go by without actively pursuing my dream.  I have been very busy working on my book!  I hope to have an agent within the next six months. I would love to see my book on the shelves by 2013.  Please keep an eye out for it.  I will be writing under my real name:  SHARON BELL

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Match.Com - I QUIT!!!

  I gave it a whirl!  O.K. I did it!  Sort of.  I actually NEVER met someone I met on  I just can't seem to get past the ridiculous emails.  Men email me and say the wierdest things.  I just don't understand.  If I'm not going to understand then I'd rather not understand in real life, not cyberspace.  I mean why get dressed, take time out, call a babysitter, and go to all that trouble to meet a guy that probably most likely doesn't look like his picture!  A whole other person shows up!
  I rather BE dressed, BE out, and run into a guy I probably would never date, then actually set up to meet a guy I probably would never date.  Does that make sense?
  To me it does.  I'm not going out on any blind date from a guy I met on Match.  I know it works for some people.  I'm just not the one!  Maybe I watch too many episodes of forensic files.  But seriously, isn't it easier to meet a guy in person then look at a 1/2in by 1/2 inch picture of someone and determine whether he's a nice guy or a serial killer?  Call me crazy, but I think I can judge a person better as a person and not as a small blurb on a dating site.
  For example.  There was this one guy on the site.  He is physically not my type.  Remember I was trying to expand my horizons and not go for looks.  This is what the guy said,

I like what you wrote in your profile. Questions- When was your last serious relationship and what happened? What exactly are you looking for? I am in hawaii for holidays. Looking for a good, honest and loyal woman is challenging in California. Xoxo 

That's me right?! O.K. so I should have actually examined this email.  Looking back I realize that the xoxo ending is kind of immature.  xoxo hugs and kisses??? really??? mmmm.  I dont think so!  Your a stranger!  Also he has a really dorky name.  Also his profile brags all about himself.  But I once again ignored all the warning signs!  I sent him an email back and answered his question "when was your last serious relationship".  I kept my answer short and to the point.  This is how long, this is what happened.  I then said something along the lines of, "It's the Holiday season, so I'm super busy with work right now, and Ill email you when I get a chance."
To which he responded, "You snotty b****!"  hahahaha!  Can you believe that?  He called me a snotty B* because I didn't immediately respond to his email.  He then SENT ME ANOTHER EMAIL, and told me how rude he thought I was because I didn't respond to him, and how he works with executives all the time and I'm not special!  WOW!  
Truthfully, he was  not the only crazy stalker type I came across!  There were other men that were upset I didn't respond right away.  Maybe people on have a lot of time on their hands.  I thought that was the whole point.  For people that didn't have time on their hands, and didn't like bars so they moved to internet dating?
Anyway.  What I found out was if I just get dressed in the morning, do my hair, try to look cute, and smile everyday, men will approach me!  I just have to put myself out there.  I believe that even if I wasn't cute but put effort in dressing nice, putting on a little make-up, fixing my hair, men would approach me!  Men approach women who look approachable!  So, enough about the internet dating thing.  I must end this by saying, ladies, (or men)  If you are looking to find your match, I suggest you put effort into looking nice, and put a smile on your face, and don't be AFRAID to put yourself out there.  And yes, you will get approached by some weirdo's.  But, you know what they say, "you got to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince!"