At this point all I can do is walk in faith. Faith that God is going to take care of me. Honestly, things have gotten really bad. Really, Really bad. I w ish I was like that housewife on the Dr. Phil show and could stay in bed all day. Since I have a four-year old, I can't. But I want to.
Its been a year now, and I can hardly believe it. What happened to all the stregnth I had 6 months ago? I guess I was so busy trying to survive, that I just forged ahead. Left with no other options, thats what women do. Now that I have a home to live in and food on my table, It feels a tad bit safer to just go ahead and cry, and get nothing done. It doesn't matter that I have no money for lights. Who needs lights? I like candles anyway. Actually that's a little extreme, but really things are bad. I feel like Im have a total breakdown.
It really hurts to get out of bed. It hurts to talk. I quit going to therapy. There nothing to say. Life is shit. It's not just my loser husband. I actually don't even have time to think about him and could really care a less. I guess that's a blessing. No time to be sad about such a menial thing as a man! I have bigger problems to deal with. When it rains, it pours.
My eldest son, is going through whatever the hell he is going through, and I can't help him. He just got out of jail, and that's the least of his problems. As a mother this breaks my heart. Literally. My heart is broken. This is what a breakdown feels like, which may be the same thing as a broken heart. Im not sure. My youngest is acting out at school and she's only four. If anyone knows what this looks like, it looks like a screaming tantrum baby! The kind you see in Walmart running around like a maniac and the mother ignoring the disruptive, obnoxious baby. That's me. Thats's my baby! If you see me just say 'hi' and keep it moving. Save your dirty looks. I really don't care.!
I'm so depressed! Everyone I know is living in beautiful houses, happy, planning there next vacation. At a time when I should be planning my next spa day, Im counting change for coffee! Fuck! I can't sleep. When I say I can't sleep, I mean I haven't slept in a year. Im really breaking down. I have a job, but can't work. Im so worried about my eldest son, his brother, my daughter, work, paying bills, blah blah blah! Will I ever stop crying? I'm just a HOT MESS!
So....I have no words of wisdom for anyone today. It's a miracle I got up and wrote this. I am trying to do ONE thing everyday. Only one thing. I'm making a habit of not answering my phone. Anyone who has the slight inkling of being rude, gets an immediate disconnect. I can only handle one thing at a time. Today my one thing is writing. Which of course, makes me cry! Again!
I hope someone else is having a better day and can offer words of wisdom. Maybe tomorrow will be better.