Monday, June 28, 2010


Seriously, this is ridiculous!  I'll be damn, if I let a man break me down! He's trying though, for real!  He stopped making my car payment, a week before payment was due. "oh, by the way, I won't be paying your car payment." 
That would be the car he bought for me four months before he walked out to do whatever it is he's doing.  The car he bought for me, "because I deserve it."  "Get whatever you want baby, just keep payments under $500.00 per month."  So I picked a car that barely uses any gas, and one I love.  A Smart Car.  Now, four months later I can't afford the $350.00 dollar payment and they're probably going to come get it.  Meantime the ex is sporting brand new furniture in his bachelor pad!

I can't be poor like this anymore.  I'm spending so much time trying to figure out how I'm going to live, that I'm really not living at all.  I'm hustling up jobs, sometimes, serving or bar tending or working an event.  It's the same thing I was doing 'before'- for lunch money.  Now the same job has to pay my rent, car, food, utilities, etc.,  It's not enough.  I have applied to every job under the sun for the last six months.  While I have pulled in some hard to get interviews, I have not found a job.  Times are desperate.  Very desperate.  Very Very desperate.  I cannot pay my light bill, or any other bill.  I don't have enough gas to drive the car they're about to take anyway.  My daughter is sick, 103 temperature, and I can't even buy her cold medicine.
It's REALLY  bad.

This fool thinks he's gonna break me, by not doing for me.  I might be poor as hell, but I do know that Karma is a bitch!  I'll be damn if I let him break me!  I don't know how it's gonna happen, or when, or with what, nor do I have any answers at all.  I just know that my God knows that I cannot live like this anymore.  It's enough.
Something has to happen for me soon.  I must work, get a steady income, or make this book come alive.  Either way, it's got to be soon!

I'm going to dream big!  I'm going to keep applying to jobs.  I'm going to keep doing what I have to do, even if it means one little baby step at a time.  I'm taking one little baby step at a time, and my determination not to let this loser break me down, is what is going to keep me going.  So what if I get kicked out of my apartment cuz I can't pay the rent?  The apartment is in his name!  HA! See-Karma is a bitch!  Bet he didn't think about that when he told me he couldn't pay child support on time last month.  Bet he didn't remember that when he was buying himself new furniture for HIS apartment and paying HIS rent on time. I'm going to keep going, keep praying, and keep working it out until it works.  And I'll be damn, if I let a man break me down.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I started out this morning praying to God to just get me out of bed.  Please God, just let me get out of bed and do one thing that I need to do today.  It's really not as easy as it sounds.  I'd much prefer to lay in bed, cry, eat, and do nothing.  It takes a lot of effort to just get up.  If I did not have a four year old daughter, I know for sure, I would not get up.
Sometimes I think about that.  If I didn't have my daughter would I ever get out of bed?  Maybe I would just lay there forever until the smell coming from my apartment would have the neighbors call the police.  For real.  Of course, first I would eat everything, which is about two weeks worth of food. But after the food was gone, what then?  Would I get out of bed?  Nope.  I don't think so. I wouldn't feel like going to the store, or taking a shower, or getting dressed.  Getting dressed is such an effort!  Geez, I'd like to look cute, because after all I am single again, but really, who can look cute with big puffy eyes.  Or..I start out with good intentions and manage to put myself slightly together.  But because I ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat, or for any unknown reason, what difference does it make?  I should probably just stay in sweats.  I will at least be comfortable.
I wonder if anyone would even check on me.  I doubt it.  I have teenagers.  That says it all.  They would never notice I wasn't around.  No one on my ex's side of the family checks on me, and my family stopped long ago.  My crazy ex called all my friends and told them I was crazy, so now they just wanna steer clear until the tornado blows over.
HOWEVER, as I said, I started out praying to God, to just get me out of bed today and let me do one thing.  Instead of one thing, many things have happened.  I've been calling all around the state of California and the city I live in, and calling the Veteran's administration and everywhere else I can think of, because the bottom line is, I went from running a business I didn't get paid for, to really having no income at all.  Before the money just went back into the house. I've gone through all my savings and will be broker then broke in about one minute.  Thus I've been taking serious preventive action.
Believe it or not, after months of taking preventive action my hard work has started to pay off.  There are some options!  Thank you God.  Best news I've had all day! All week, or all month.  While I do not have specific monetary support, or specific housing information, or specifically knowing where my next meal will come from, or how I will make my car payment.  I do have HOPE.  So I HAVE gotten very far today.  And Thank You God for getting me out of bed!

Monday, June 14, 2010


For the first time in three weeks I had a day off, sort of.  Baby daddy finally decided to see his daughter.  I worked Saturday night (Thank You God) so that really wasn't a day off.  I guess officially, I had a few hours to myself Sunday.
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money.  Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive.  Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful.  That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes.  Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day.  Thankfully I worked Saturday night.  Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would.  So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts.  My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend.  My event went late, so I just drove home.  I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself.  When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy.  I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision.  As I said, every penny goes to paying bills.  So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly.  DO I have the $20.00 to spend?  Probably not.  Will I have enough gas money for the week? -  Bills are due.-   Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" -  Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going.  All before 9am!  I finally decide to just get up and do it.  THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities.  But I deserve this.  I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself.  Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure.  It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens?  That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out!  She looks at me stunned.  I know she thinks she hurt me or something.  I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me.  It's quite a sight.  I can't stop crying. Again!  fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks.  I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good.  She had brand new chairs and they were awesome!  I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done!  I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH.  I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through.  Enough crying already!  Yeah this s*** is sad.  So I'll give myself permission to be sad.  Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through.  That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money.  He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it.  How is that fair?  He didn't even have a checking account before he met me.  He can't even get a checking account now!  How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add.  And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set  complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share.  And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case.  But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)

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Saturday, June 12, 2010

What we write - What people read

I wrote about how I'm in a depressed funk, and then next day I got a whole bunch of spam mail about depression!  'Here, take this pill, it cures depression'.  I guess the spam mail didn't read my blog!  I clearly stated I don't believe in taking pills.  It's a personnel choice.

I wrote Kim Vs. Countess from Atlanta housewife's and N.Y. Housewife's.  Funny how everyone bagged on Kim about how she couldn't sing, but no one is even mentioning to the 'Countess' that she can't even come close to carrying a tune.  It's laughable really.  I sit on the edge of my bed, just waiting for someone to say, Sorry, Countess, but you really cannot sing."  Yet NO ONE does.  They keep addressing her as 'Countess' and telling her how fabulous she is.  She is fabulous, but she CANNOT sing.  There I said it!  Lots of people had a comment regarding my housewife's post.  Yet NO ONE seemed to care about the post below:  
The above link was sent to me via  As a veteran, I subscribe.  This is the most horrific article I have ever read! I posted this on my facebook news feed, yet no one made not ONE comment!.  I then looked for it this morning and somehow it was taken down.  And not by me.  I couldn't find it anywhere.  hmmmm.  FYI. I don't even live in Maryland where the incident took place.  Nor do I know the family.   I posted it because stories like these, involving police officers somehow seem to get buried.  Disappear. Like my facebook post.

I started out blogging about how I'M so tired of being depressed.  Then I read a story about a Marine, shot by policeman 13 times, at a club, after doing a tour in Iraq, cuz the marine made a comment to the cop's women.  And I have the nerve to be depressed.  There is so much more going on then me! 

Today, I will shake off whatever bad mood I'm in.  Pray that I and my children are alive, and Thank God for every moment I have.  Even the rough ones!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Kim vs. Countess (ATL Housewife's Vs. N.Y. Housewifes)

Off the subject I know, but don't you think it's crazy how everyone completely talked crap about Kim and her singing, but no one is telling the 'Countess' on NY housewife's that she can't sing at all.  It's all so fake!  Everyone is like, "oh fabulous Countess." Come on! I like her, but she is way worse then Kim ever was, and sorry to say but I would much rather look at hot Kim singing in her tone-deaf voice, then the Countess.  Keep it real!

Please read and comment!

Policeman Shoots Unarmed Marine 13 Times

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Grey Girl Diaries: Depression is Depressing

The Grey Girl Diaries: Depression is Depressing

Depression is Depressing

Depression is Depressing!  Honestly, How do people that have this disease function?  I've been depressed for several months now and I just cant take it anymore!  I'm so tired of being depressed!  I have no energy.  I can barely get out of bed.  I force myself to get out of bed!  It takes a great deal of will on a regular basis to actually get up and do things.  I have a long list of things I need to take care of everyday.  Yet I am so depressed, I can barely do them.  Life functioning things-things that if I don't do there are going to major problems.  I'm not talking about things like washing my hair, or getting my nails done.  I'm talking about survival!  Yet, still, I'm so depressed I can barely do what I have to do in order to survive.  This sucks!
I cry at any given moment.  Like right now. I'm crying! ridiculous!  I'm sad and depressed and crying because I know I have so many things things to take care of and I just don't know if I can do them.  Things like keeping food in the refrigerator, keeping my lights and gas on....etc etc.  Yet I sit here and cry! Depressing! Shit!
I hear and read that there are things you can do to get of a depressed state of mind.  Oh really?  Like go for a run?  Yeah, I tried that.  I've tried that on several occasions.  You know what happens to me?  When I start running, I start REALLY balling my eyes out.  Like crying so hard, I can't see where I'm going! I get an hour to exercise and it's so quite and peaceful and then I start thinking about all the crap I've been through in the last 7 months and I really just start sobbing uncontrollably.  Or I run by all the beautiful houses near my tiny little apartment and I really start crying, because of course, I should have all of that if not for the circumstances that have left me with nothing, which we won't get into because if we do, I won't finish this blog.  I'll be too depressed.  So no, exercise does not do it for me.
Eat some ice cream.  No not that either, that doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse.  I don't even love ice cream and if I eat snacks or crap that's not good for me, I just feel fat after and that makes me more depressed.
Take a pill.  I've never been good at taking pills.  Hence, my four year old daughter!  Plus- pills for depression, I've heard makes you feel nothing and lethargic.  I need energy to take care of stuff not a pill that will make my head fuzzy.
I guess I'll just ride it out.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Vodka & Cream Soda

I'm sitting here writing this blog with a Vodka & Cream Soda in my hand.  Pretty talented huh? I woke up this morning with my boxing gloves on, ready to take on the crap that I have been avoiding for many months now.  I haven't wanted to file for divorce, or legal separation, or anything.  I don't know why.  I guess I have been hoping in the back of my mind, that the EX would just wake up one day and see that he has seriously lost his mind, and get the help he needs. 
This is not the man I married.  The man I have been dealing with the last 7 months, more like the last year and seven months, is not the person that I married.  This is not the person I took vows with.  The is some other person that has lost his mind, and since he was a perfectly rational person (with a few exceptions) over the last 7 years I have just been assuming that he will somehow become that rational person again.  The reason that I am typing with a Vodka/Cream soda in my hand is that I am now realizing that it's just not going to happen.
And so today, I will pour myself a drink and give myself permission to just cry over the sadness of it all.
I started out this day ready to fight.  5 a.m. up bright and early because of course, I cannot sleep.  The weekend threw another obstacle in my face.  You see my EX, has made it so, that I can no longer speak to his sister.  His sister who I spoke to every day.  His sister who has four daughters, all around the same age as my daughter.  His sister who we used to go over her house every other weekend at least, and all the girls would play together.  Now, she does not take my calls.  He has told her she is not allowed to speak to me, thus, my daughter cannot see her cousins.  My daughter misses her cousins, and loves her cousins, and talks about them.  She asks when she can see them.  I feel like this:
It's not enough that you have destroyed every part of my life that I was comfortable in.  Now you have to worm your way to messing with my daughter.  Why? On the off chance that I may ask your sister to babysit ONE night and have a night out?  It's bad enough that i accepted everything you have done, turned my cheek as if perhaps I may have somehow deserved it. You didn't go too far when you gave our address out over the Internet to meet up with some ho, it wasn't too far when you moved into the house you moved into (you know what I mean), it wasn't too far when you sent me pics of other women you were messing with via text, it wasn't too far when you accused me of doing things that I didn't even THINK of doing.  Yet somehow, NOT letting my daughter see her cousins is very definitely going too too far!
So I woke up with boxing gloves on, and went straight to the library filling out all the forms I need to file Separation Papers. I got thru the first 40 forms and then just broke down.  The sadness of it all is overwhelming.
 I'm giving you the business, the one that I started for you.  Remember?  The one you were so grateful that I started.  You didn' t even know you could just start your own business.  Remember the money I gave you for your first truck?  Remember how I borrowed my friends car so I could teach you how to drive a stick, so you could go to truck driving school? Remember how happy you were to have a business checking account in yours & my name?  Remember all that?
Anyway, so here I sit with a Vodka/Cream Soda.  A delicious drink by the way.  I will finish my forms in the morning, I will have an attorney look at them and see if it was done correctly.  If he fights me on child support or spousal support I will take out a loan and fight him for every last dime he has.  After all he wouldn't have a dime if it wasn't for me.
I am so sad, and devasted and wonder if I could have done anything different.  But in fact I could not.