I'LL BE DAMN, IF I LET HIM BREAK ME DOWN!

Seriously, this is ridiculous!  I'll be damn, if I let a man break me down! He's trying though, for real!  He stopped making my car payment, a week before payment was due. "oh, by the way, I won't be paying your car payment." 
That would be the car he bought for me four months before he walked out to do whatever it is he's doing.  The car he bought for me, "because I deserve it."  "Get whatever you want baby, just keep payments under $500.00 per month."  So I picked a car that barely uses any gas, and one I love.  A Smart Car.  Now, four months later I can't afford the $350.00 dollar payment and they're probably going to come get it.  Meantime the ex is sporting brand new furniture in his bachelor pad!

I can't be poor like this anymore.  I'm spending so much time trying to figure out how I'm going to live, that I'm really not living at all.  I'm hustling up jobs, sometimes, serving or bar tending or working an event.  It's the same thing I was doing 'before'- for lunch money.  Now the same job has to pay my rent, car, food, utilities, etc.,  It's not enough.  I have applied to every job under the sun for the last six months.  While I have pulled in some hard to get interviews, I have not found a job.  Times are desperate.  Very desperate.  Very Very desperate.  I cannot pay my light bill, or any other bill.  I don't have enough gas to drive the car they're about to take anyway.  My daughter is sick, 103 temperature, and I can't even buy her cold medicine.
It's REALLY  bad.

This fool thinks he's gonna break me, by not doing for me.  I might be poor as hell, but I do know that Karma is a bitch!  I'll be damn if I let him break me!  I don't know how it's gonna happen, or when, or with what, nor do I have any answers at all.  I just know that my God knows that I cannot live like this anymore.  It's enough.
Something has to happen for me soon.  I must work, get a steady income, or make this book come alive.  Either way, it's got to be soon!

I'm going to dream big!  I'm going to keep applying to jobs.  I'm going to keep doing what I have to do, even if it means one little baby step at a time.  I'm taking one little baby step at a time, and my determination not to let this loser break me down, is what is going to keep me going.  So what if I get kicked out of my apartment cuz I can't pay the rent?  The apartment is in his name!  HA! See-Karma is a bitch!  Bet he didn't think about that when he told me he couldn't pay child support on time last month.  Bet he didn't remember that when he was buying himself new furniture for HIS apartment and paying HIS rent on time. I'm going to keep going, keep praying, and keep working it out until it works.  And I'll be damn, if I let a man break me down.

OOPS... I DID IT AGAIN!

For the first time in three weeks I had a day off, sort of.  Baby daddy finally decided to see his daughter.  I worked Saturday night (Thank You God) so that really wasn't a day off.  I guess officially, I had a few hours to myself Sunday.
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money.  Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive.  Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful.  That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes.  Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day.  Thankfully I worked Saturday night.  Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would.  So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts.  My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend.  My event went late, so I just drove home.  I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself.  When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy.  I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision.  As I said, every penny goes to paying bills.  So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly.  DO I have the $20.00 to spend?  Probably not.  Will I have enough gas money for the week? -  Bills are due.-   Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" -  Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going.  All before 9am!  I finally decide to just get up and do it.  THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities.  But I deserve this.  I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself.  Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure.  It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens?  That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out!  She looks at me stunned.  I know she thinks she hurt me or something.  I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me.  It's quite a sight.  I can't stop crying. Again!  fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks.  I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good.  She had brand new chairs and they were awesome!  I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done!  I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH.  I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through.  Enough crying already!  Yeah this s*** is sad.  So I'll give myself permission to be sad.  Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through.  That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money.  He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it.  How is that fair?  He didn't even have a checking account before he met me.  He can't even get a checking account now!  How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add.  And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set  complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share.  And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case.  But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)

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The craziness

Found out early a.m. that ex broke into my fb page and posted as If I posted. Another day, another thing to deal with. Im tryin real hard to keep a positive attitude, and keep it moving, with a smile on my face. All this bad energy is not good for baby gurl!