LAUGHTER IS EVERYTHING

  Yesterday morning started out as a beautiful Saturday morning.  My young princess woke up lazy as she usually does.  Stretching and yawning for about 20 minutes, before she actually gets out of bed.  This Saturday morning, we were not rushed.  I love those days!  I crawled in bed with her, and we 'took time for snuggles'.  This is very important, as during the week we are almost always rushing out the door.

So I cooked a delicious saturday morning breakfast, and she watched her morning cartoons, playing with her dolls, as I cleaned the house.  I had her in my room in the back, because this Saturday I was working on her room.  All of a sudden I hear this loud bang on my door.  I peer out the window to see who it is, but I cant see from where I'm at.  I go downstairs and ask, "who is it?'

To which my ex-husband (baby daddy) replies it is him.  Now this is a guy that hasn't shown up in my daughter's life in over a year!  A year!  Then he just randomely shows up at my door?  I freaked out!  He has sent one or two emails to myself, and my father spewing about what  a good father he is, and he wants to see his child.  In my book, one email every 8 months does not make for a good father.  In fact it makes for nothing.  Doesn't even deserve a reply.  It isn't even contingent on the fact that he hasn't payed any child support.  The reality is, he missed his daughter's last birthday, and Christmas, didn't even call, nothing.  He lives 30 minutes away, so there is just no excuse.  His last email 3 months ago was about how he is such a good father and how I have changed my phone number several times, and blah blah blah.  All total lies, so I didnt even respond.

Then he shows up at my door! I freaked out!  Shows how unstable he really is.  He can't just show up!  This is where God comes in!  GOD IS SO GOOD!  The ex could have parked in guest parking, two spaces over.  But instead of doing that, he parks in my parking stall, backed in, facing my door!  Total intimidation tactic.  He starts banging on the door, yelling for his daughter.  Another bullying tactic.  What?  He thinks I'm just going to open the door?  No!  I call the police. Police come out.  They tell him he has to work it out in court.  Right!  Just like I have to work out in court the fact that there is a child support order but he is STILL not paying!  I agree with the cops, let him go to court, just like I have to.  In the meantime, he cant show up after a year, and expect me to send my 6 year old out the door.

The cops are about to send him away.  But first they run his name.  UH OH!  Turns out he has two warrants!  Oh yea, and that raggedy car you parked in my spot, tags have been expired for a year!  Guess that goes too!  Tow truck showed up right behind the patty wagon!

Thank You Lord, for your wonderful sense of humor!

WALKING IN FAITH

 At this point all I can do is walk in faith.  Faith that God is going to take care of me.  Honestly, things have gotten really bad.  Really, Really bad.  I w ish I was like that housewife on the Dr. Phil show and could stay in bed all day.  Since I have a four-year old, I can't.  But I want to.

Its been a year now, and I can hardly believe it.  What happened to all the stregnth I had 6 months ago?  I guess I was so busy trying to survive, that I just forged ahead.  Left with no other options, thats what women do.  Now that I have a home to live in and food on my table, It feels a tad bit safer to just go ahead and cry, and get nothing done.  It  doesn't matter that I have no money for lights.  Who needs lights?  I like candles anyway.  Actually that's a little extreme, but really things are bad.  I feel like Im have a total breakdown.

It really hurts to get out of bed.  It hurts to talk.  I quit going to therapy.  There nothing to say.  Life is shit.  It's not just my loser husband.  I actually don't even have time to think about him and could really care a less.  I guess that's a blessing.  No time to be sad about such a menial thing as a man! I have bigger problems to deal with. When it rains, it pours.

My eldest son, is going through whatever the hell he is going through, and I can't help him.  He just got out of jail, and that's the least of his problems. As a mother this breaks my heart. Literally.  My heart is broken.  This is what a breakdown feels like, which may be the same thing as a broken heart. Im not sure. My youngest is acting out at school and she's only four.  If anyone knows what this looks like, it looks like a screaming tantrum baby!  The kind you see in Walmart running around like a maniac and the mother ignoring the disruptive, obnoxious baby.  That's me.  Thats's my baby!  If you see me just say 'hi' and keep it moving.  Save your dirty looks.  I  really don't care.!

I'm so depressed!  Everyone I know is living in beautiful houses, happy, planning there next vacation.  At a time when I should be planning my next spa day, Im counting change for coffee!  Fuck!  I can't sleep.  When I say I can't sleep, I mean I haven't slept in a year.  Im really breaking down.  I have a job, but can't work.  Im so worried about my eldest son, his brother, my daughter, work, paying bills, blah blah blah! Will I ever stop crying?  I'm just a HOT MESS!

So....I have no words of wisdom for anyone today.  It's a miracle I got up and wrote this.  I am trying to do ONE thing everyday.  Only one thing.  I'm making a habit of not answering my phone.  Anyone who has the slight inkling of being rude, gets an immediate disconnect.  I can only handle one thing at a time.  Today my one thing is writing.  Which of course, makes me cry! Again!

I hope someone else is having a better day and can offer words of wisdom.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

TAKING BABY STEPS

07/21/2010

I have decide to write my blog a little differently.  Instead of whining about all the trouble, emotions, and hell I am going through I have decide to help other women (and men)!  If today is the first day of you following my blog then your in luck! 

Here's the thing.  I spend most of my days running with my head cut off.  I am basically trying to recover from the fact that my husband abandoned myself and my four year old daughter.  He walked out November 4, 2009 and just never came back.. It took at least three months for me to figure out that he wasn't coming back.  Did I mention he stole all my money when he left?  Yup, took the business that I started for him (I thought I was starting the business for us), he left, and took the business that I started along with all the money we had, and just walked out. 

I'm not bitter or anything.  I don't have time.  The last 8 months have been spent trying to ensure I have a home a to live in,. food on the table, and provide my daughter what she needs.  I don't have time to be bitter.  And that ladies and gentleman is Lesson Number 1.

1.  Do not waste your time on being bitter.  Don't waste your time asking yourself, " what could I have done differently?'  Sometimes,  the people we marry are just idiots.  They have their own issues and it has nothing to do with you.  If your wife says,  "I cheated on you because your never home."  And your never home because your working all the time to pay the bills.  Then 'F-her!"  move on.  Don't waste your time fretting over what you could have done different.

If you supported your husband through law school and then he leaves you to boink the young, hot secretary, then 'F-Him too!'  Or-If your husband walked out because now you have four kids, and he thinks he can get more attention or do better somewhere else then 'F-Him'.

Have a cry, or two, then drink a cup of tea, or something stronger, and MOVE ON!  Life is short!  Don't waste your time fretting over someone who just doesn't deserve the time, energy or emotional havoc it takes on you and your body!  Sad bodies become out of shape, feel crappy, and really don't look good! 

Today, have a happy body!  If you have to go into the bathroom, or a quite place at work, or walk around the block.  Do it.  Do it now!  Take five minutes to be sad, then just move on.  You will get better I promise!

Take it from me, I know.  I loved my husband deeply with every part of my being.  I thought we would be together forever.  I was building a life with him, that maybe wasn't perfect. but I was happy.  I never thought he would walk out!  But all of that matters not.  The point is, I am getting better, and it is getting easier, and I will come out stronger.  In fact I can see that happening now. Right now before my very eyes!

Today's lesson:  Take five or ten minutes to be sad. (don't take more then 15 minutes!)  cry, take a walk, do whatever you have to do, and then move on!  Don't waste another minute on what woulda, coulda, shoulda, just MOVE ON!

I'LL BE DAMN, IF I LET HIM BREAK ME DOWN!

Seriously, this is ridiculous!  I'll be damn, if I let a man break me down! He's trying though, for real!  He stopped making my car payment, a week before payment was due. "oh, by the way, I won't be paying your car payment." 
That would be the car he bought for me four months before he walked out to do whatever it is he's doing.  The car he bought for me, "because I deserve it."  "Get whatever you want baby, just keep payments under $500.00 per month."  So I picked a car that barely uses any gas, and one I love.  A Smart Car.  Now, four months later I can't afford the $350.00 dollar payment and they're probably going to come get it.  Meantime the ex is sporting brand new furniture in his bachelor pad!

I can't be poor like this anymore.  I'm spending so much time trying to figure out how I'm going to live, that I'm really not living at all.  I'm hustling up jobs, sometimes, serving or bar tending or working an event.  It's the same thing I was doing 'before'- for lunch money.  Now the same job has to pay my rent, car, food, utilities, etc.,  It's not enough.  I have applied to every job under the sun for the last six months.  While I have pulled in some hard to get interviews, I have not found a job.  Times are desperate.  Very desperate.  Very Very desperate.  I cannot pay my light bill, or any other bill.  I don't have enough gas to drive the car they're about to take anyway.  My daughter is sick, 103 temperature, and I can't even buy her cold medicine.
It's REALLY  bad.

This fool thinks he's gonna break me, by not doing for me.  I might be poor as hell, but I do know that Karma is a bitch!  I'll be damn if I let him break me!  I don't know how it's gonna happen, or when, or with what, nor do I have any answers at all.  I just know that my God knows that I cannot live like this anymore.  It's enough.
Something has to happen for me soon.  I must work, get a steady income, or make this book come alive.  Either way, it's got to be soon!

I'm going to dream big!  I'm going to keep applying to jobs.  I'm going to keep doing what I have to do, even if it means one little baby step at a time.  I'm taking one little baby step at a time, and my determination not to let this loser break me down, is what is going to keep me going.  So what if I get kicked out of my apartment cuz I can't pay the rent?  The apartment is in his name!  HA! See-Karma is a bitch!  Bet he didn't think about that when he told me he couldn't pay child support on time last month.  Bet he didn't remember that when he was buying himself new furniture for HIS apartment and paying HIS rent on time. I'm going to keep going, keep praying, and keep working it out until it works.  And I'll be damn, if I let a man break me down.

GETTING OUT OF BED

I started out this morning praying to God to just get me out of bed.  Please God, just let me get out of bed and do one thing that I need to do today.  It's really not as easy as it sounds.  I'd much prefer to lay in bed, cry, eat, and do nothing.  It takes a lot of effort to just get up.  If I did not have a four year old daughter, I know for sure, I would not get up.
Sometimes I think about that.  If I didn't have my daughter would I ever get out of bed?  Maybe I would just lay there forever until the smell coming from my apartment would have the neighbors call the police.  For real.  Of course, first I would eat everything, which is about two weeks worth of food. But after the food was gone, what then?  Would I get out of bed?  Nope.  I don't think so. I wouldn't feel like going to the store, or taking a shower, or getting dressed.  Getting dressed is such an effort!  Geez, I'd like to look cute, because after all I am single again, but really, who can look cute with big puffy eyes.  Or..I start out with good intentions and manage to put myself slightly together.  But because I ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat, or for any unknown reason, what difference does it make?  I should probably just stay in sweats.  I will at least be comfortable.
I wonder if anyone would even check on me.  I doubt it.  I have teenagers.  That says it all.  They would never notice I wasn't around.  No one on my ex's side of the family checks on me, and my family stopped long ago.  My crazy ex called all my friends and told them I was crazy, so now they just wanna steer clear until the tornado blows over.
HOWEVER, as I said, I started out praying to God, to just get me out of bed today and let me do one thing.  Instead of one thing, many things have happened.  I've been calling all around the state of California and the city I live in, and calling the Veteran's administration and everywhere else I can think of, because the bottom line is, I went from running a business I didn't get paid for, to really having no income at all.  Before the money just went back into the house. I've gone through all my savings and will be broker then broke in about one minute.  Thus I've been taking serious preventive action.
Believe it or not, after months of taking preventive action my hard work has started to pay off.  There are some options!  Thank you God.  Best news I've had all day! All week, or all month.  While I do not have specific monetary support, or specific housing information, or specifically knowing where my next meal will come from, or how I will make my car payment.  I do have HOPE.  So I HAVE gotten very far today.  And Thank You God for getting me out of bed!

OOPS... I DID IT AGAIN!

For the first time in three weeks I had a day off, sort of.  Baby daddy finally decided to see his daughter.  I worked Saturday night (Thank You God) so that really wasn't a day off.  I guess officially, I had a few hours to myself Sunday.
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money.  Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive.  Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful.  That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes.  Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day.  Thankfully I worked Saturday night.  Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would.  So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts.  My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend.  My event went late, so I just drove home.  I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself.  When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy.  I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision.  As I said, every penny goes to paying bills.  So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly.  DO I have the $20.00 to spend?  Probably not.  Will I have enough gas money for the week? -  Bills are due.-   Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" -  Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going.  All before 9am!  I finally decide to just get up and do it.  THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities.  But I deserve this.  I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself.  Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure.  It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens?  That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out!  She looks at me stunned.  I know she thinks she hurt me or something.  I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me.  It's quite a sight.  I can't stop crying. Again!  fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks.  I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good.  She had brand new chairs and they were awesome!  I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done!  I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH.  I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through.  Enough crying already!  Yeah this s*** is sad.  So I'll give myself permission to be sad.  Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through.  That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money.  He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it.  How is that fair?  He didn't even have a checking account before he met me.  He can't even get a checking account now!  How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add.  And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set  complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share.  And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case.  But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)

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What we write - What people read

I wrote about how I'm in a depressed funk, and then next day I got a whole bunch of spam mail about depression!  'Here, take this pill, it cures depression'.  I guess the spam mail didn't read my blog!  I clearly stated I don't believe in taking pills.  It's a personnel choice.

I wrote Kim Vs. Countess from Atlanta housewife's and N.Y. Housewife's.  Funny how everyone bagged on Kim about how she couldn't sing, but no one is even mentioning to the 'Countess' that she can't even come close to carrying a tune.  It's laughable really.  I sit on the edge of my bed, just waiting for someone to say, Sorry, Countess, but you really cannot sing."  Yet NO ONE does.  They keep addressing her as 'Countess' and telling her how fabulous she is.  She is fabulous, but she CANNOT sing.  There I said it!  Lots of people had a comment regarding my housewife's post.  Yet NO ONE seemed to care about the post below:

http://www.military.com/news/article/policeman-shoots-unarmed-marine-13-times.html.  
POLICEMAN SHOOTS UNARMED MAN 13 times.
The above link was sent to me via www.military.com.  As a veteran, I subscribe.  This is the most horrific article I have ever read! I posted this on my facebook news feed, yet no one made not ONE comment!.  I then looked for it this morning and somehow it was taken down.  And not by me.  I couldn't find it anywhere.  hmmmm.  FYI. I don't even live in Maryland where the incident took place.  Nor do I know the family.   I posted it because stories like these, involving police officers somehow seem to get buried.  Disappear. Like my facebook post.

I started out blogging about how I'M so tired of being depressed.  Then I read a story about a Marine, shot by policeman 13 times, at a club, after doing a tour in Iraq, cuz the marine made a comment to the cop's women.  And I have the nerve to be depressed.  There is so much more going on then me! 

Today, I will shake off whatever bad mood I'm in.  Pray that I and my children are alive, and Thank God for every moment I have.  Even the rough ones!

Depression is Depressing

Depression is Depressing!  Honestly, How do people that have this disease function?  I've been depressed for several months now and I just cant take it anymore!  I'm so tired of being depressed!  I have no energy.  I can barely get out of bed.  I force myself to get out of bed!  It takes a great deal of will on a regular basis to actually get up and do things.  I have a long list of things I need to take care of everyday.  Yet I am so depressed, I can barely do them.  Life functioning things-things that if I don't do there are going to major problems.  I'm not talking about things like washing my hair, or getting my nails done.  I'm talking about survival!  Yet, still, I'm so depressed I can barely do what I have to do in order to survive.  This sucks!
I cry at any given moment.  Like right now. I'm crying! ridiculous!  I'm sad and depressed and crying because I know I have so many things things to take care of and I just don't know if I can do them.  Things like keeping food in the refrigerator, keeping my lights and gas on....etc etc.  Yet I sit here and cry! Depressing! Shit!
I hear and read that there are things you can do to get of a depressed state of mind.  Oh really?  Like go for a run?  Yeah, I tried that.  I've tried that on several occasions.  You know what happens to me?  When I start running, I start REALLY balling my eyes out.  Like crying so hard, I can't see where I'm going! I get an hour to exercise and it's so quite and peaceful and then I start thinking about all the crap I've been through in the last 7 months and I really just start sobbing uncontrollably.  Or I run by all the beautiful houses near my tiny little apartment and I really start crying, because of course, I should have all of that if not for the circumstances that have left me with nothing, which we won't get into because if we do, I won't finish this blog.  I'll be too depressed.  So no, exercise does not do it for me.
Eat some ice cream.  No not that either, that doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse.  I don't even love ice cream and if I eat snacks or crap that's not good for me, I just feel fat after and that makes me more depressed.
Take a pill.  I've never been good at taking pills.  Hence, my four year old daughter!  Plus- pills for depression, I've heard makes you feel nothing and lethargic.  I need energy to take care of stuff not a pill that will make my head fuzzy.
Crap!
I guess I'll just ride it out.

Vodka & Cream Soda

I'm sitting here writing this blog with a Vodka & Cream Soda in my hand.  Pretty talented huh? I woke up this morning with my boxing gloves on, ready to take on the crap that I have been avoiding for many months now.  I haven't wanted to file for divorce, or legal separation, or anything.  I don't know why.  I guess I have been hoping in the back of my mind, that the EX would just wake up one day and see that he has seriously lost his mind, and get the help he needs. 
This is not the man I married.  The man I have been dealing with the last 7 months, more like the last year and seven months, is not the person that I married.  This is not the person I took vows with.  The is some other person that has lost his mind, and since he was a perfectly rational person (with a few exceptions) over the last 7 years I have just been assuming that he will somehow become that rational person again.  The reason that I am typing with a Vodka/Cream soda in my hand is that I am now realizing that it's just not going to happen.
And so today, I will pour myself a drink and give myself permission to just cry over the sadness of it all.
I started out this day ready to fight.  5 a.m. up bright and early because of course, I cannot sleep.  The weekend threw another obstacle in my face.  You see my EX, has made it so, that I can no longer speak to his sister.  His sister who I spoke to every day.  His sister who has four daughters, all around the same age as my daughter.  His sister who we used to go over her house every other weekend at least, and all the girls would play together.  Now, she does not take my calls.  He has told her she is not allowed to speak to me, thus, my daughter cannot see her cousins.  My daughter misses her cousins, and loves her cousins, and talks about them.  She asks when she can see them.  I feel like this:
It's not enough that you have destroyed every part of my life that I was comfortable in.  Now you have to worm your way to messing with my daughter.  Why? On the off chance that I may ask your sister to babysit ONE night and have a night out?  It's bad enough that i accepted everything you have done, turned my cheek as if perhaps I may have somehow deserved it. You didn't go too far when you gave our address out over the Internet to meet up with some ho, it wasn't too far when you moved into the house you moved into (you know what I mean), it wasn't too far when you sent me pics of other women you were messing with via text, it wasn't too far when you accused me of doing things that I didn't even THINK of doing.  Yet somehow, NOT letting my daughter see her cousins is very definitely going too too far!
So I woke up with boxing gloves on, and went straight to the library filling out all the forms I need to file Separation Papers. I got thru the first 40 forms and then just broke down.  The sadness of it all is overwhelming.
 I'm giving you the business, the one that I started for you.  Remember?  The one you were so grateful that I started.  You didn' t even know you could just start your own business.  Remember the money I gave you for your first truck?  Remember how I borrowed my friends car so I could teach you how to drive a stick, so you could go to truck driving school? Remember how happy you were to have a business checking account in yours & my name?  Remember all that?
Anyway, so here I sit with a Vodka/Cream Soda.  A delicious drink by the way.  I will finish my forms in the morning, I will have an attorney look at them and see if it was done correctly.  If he fights me on child support or spousal support I will take out a loan and fight him for every last dime he has.  After all he wouldn't have a dime if it wasn't for me.
I am so sad, and devasted and wonder if I could have done anything different.  But in fact I could not.

Ready for Battle

Today started out so beautifully.  A holiday weekend in sunny California and what could be better!  I love living here.  I love the sunshine and the beaches and will always be a die-hard California girl.  My dermatologist constantly warns me of the dangers sunbathing.  Now, I wear a big floppy hat, huge sunglasses and a t-shirt over my chest!  I like getting my arms and legs tan though and still venture to the beach on a weekly basis.  I feel like nothing is better for my four year old daughter then an hour or two playing in the sun and sea water! Plus...it wears her out!
It's been extremely difficult keeping my head up.  I made a promise to myself not to write about depressing things and so I won't.  I'll just say this past week has definitely been one of those weeks that 'If it doesn't kill me, It'll make me stronger."  Often I feel I may die soon.  Just when I overcome one obstacle another is thrown in my face.  My faith is huge and I know I will get through.  I just don't know how.
After a beautiful day, tonight another obstacle had been thrown at me.  It's really time that I finish crying and put on my boxing gloves and get ready to fight.  Certain circumstances have made it clear that I need to really buck up and become the gangsta that I am.  I can no longer hang my head and hope that things work out.  They will not.  I must take care of myself and my daughter.  If I don't no one else will.
So I will put on my gloves and get ready for what is sure to be a vicious battle.  Any words of encouragement will be greatly appreciated as I will need every ounce of strength I have.

When to let go

I recently read when Sandra Bullock found out about her husband, Jesse James affairs, she immediately left the house they shared together and moved somewhere else.  For many weeks we heard from the media and on shows like TMZ that she was filing for divorce, then she wasn't filing for divorce, they were getting back together, they weren't getting back together.   It wasn't until months later she came out with the story of her adopted child and the fact that she indeed, had already filed for divorce.
My question is when is that decision made?  Did she decide right away?  My problem is, I cannot decide whether I should actually file for divorce.  Honestly, I don't know what I'm waiting for.  I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I keep hoping that he will change.  I know how absurd that sounds.  I sound like a women on the Maury Povich Show.  The kind of women that Maury says, "we caught your husband with a decoy, you caught him in bed with another women, why are you still with him?  and the women answers lamely, "cuz I love him Maury." and the whole audience goes crazy and thinks she's a dumb b**ch.

That's me.  A dumb bi**h! My circumstances have not been exactly the same.  I have never actually caught my husband physically cheating.  I have caught him on the Internet on some singles website, chatting it up with various other women on numerous occasions.  I have caught him emailing another women about how much fun he had when he pulled over on the side of the road in his big rig and she came out to meet and make-out with him.  I have caught him giving out our address over the Internet.  Physically I have not caught him in the actual act.  He says it was just talk and he didn't mean anything by it.  I guess I'll never know.

I have spent the last six months in therapy.  An appointment my husband forced me into making stating that "it's all my fault and if I don't go to therapy to find out why I'm so bitchy then he's not coming back."
Therapy was a great idea, and I thank him for making me go.  What I learned, was in fact, it is not ALL my fault, and any other women, giving the same circumstances would probably be bitchy too!
I have listened to my husband blame me for everything.  The list is so long for things he is blaming me for,  that I would just rather not itemize them.  Suffice it to say that it boils down to, "I was mean and treated him bad."
But here's the thing, it's very possible I was mean.  Honestly, I really don't know who wouldn't be.  My husband spent more time on the Internet, sleeping, and hanging with his homies then he ever did with me, my daughter, or my step-son.  Let alone spend time with my two older kids.  He has continued to really just go way out of his way to be extremely verbally abusive to me.  He has continued in the lifestyle that got us we we are today.  The things he has done to me personally are so foul, I just would rather not tell anyone.  It's embarrassing. I have told my therapist who tells me "I have every right to never speak to him again."
So why haven't I filed for divorce?  I mean, do I really think he is going to change? And how much more insults and assaults toward my character, undeservedly disrespecting my parenting, and phone calls to my family should I really tolerate before I give up?
I would really love to hear your comments if you have had a similar situation.

Mother's Day 2010

Ahhh, Mother's Day.  Here's the part where I should be so happy and excited I am a mother.  But I have teenagers!  I also have a four year old.  My teenagers are putting me through, what everyone warned me about, including my own mother. "one day you'll have kids of your own."  "Wait until you have your own kids." "Be careful what you do, because it all comes back to you."
My only comfort is that I believe I have paid for my sins, and my four year old daughter will not put me through it again.  "God doesn't give you more then you can handle." My teenage boys have put me through enough, that I shouldn't have to go through it again.  I believe it's an even slate for everything I put my parents through, and then some.
My four year daughter is already smarter then the teenagers!  She knows today is mommy's day!  Today I will cook, because that's what I find relaxing.  I think I will cook all day, and drink while I'm doing it!  I found Souplantations' recipe for corn muffins and I plan on baking those.  I plan on making Giant, fattening burgers with all the fixins, avocado's, bacon, cheese, mushrooms, hot sauce, and anything else I can think of to put on my delicious burgers! That should be fun!  Today I will do what I want, and not feel guilty about it.  Today will be about me.
Lastly, my sister in law has invited me over for mothers day dinner.  It's just too sad.  Every time I start thinking about if I should go or not, I just start crying.  My still-husband will be there.  It's too sad for me.  The whole situation.  I think today, mostly, I will stay at home and take care of myself, and not go.
Happy Mothers Day to those who are.

Minute by minute

Every day is different, every minute in fact.  I started out writing this blog at the recommendation of my therapist.  She didn't say exactly, "go blog".  What she said was,  "it might be helpful to keep a journal."
Here is my journal.
  What I am finding out is that each day brings with it a new and different emotion.  Sometimes each minute. The past six months have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Sometimes just so strong I cannot take it!  I feel sick to my stomach, like I'm going to throw up.  Mostly I just keep forging ahead.  By forging ahead, I mean I get up in the morning, actually out of bed, and start my day.  Early in fact, 7a.m.  While I don't have a particular 9-5 job, I do have a job, several in fact. 
One of them is taking care of my four-year-old daughter, without completely breaking down in front of her.  Taking care of her means maintaining as much calm and routine as possible in an otherwise chaotic world.  She does not know that we were almost homeless due to the fact daddy walked out November 4th and took his paycheck with him.  That would be the paycheck from the business/partnership we built together.  While he did pay rent in Novemeber he did not pay Gas, Electric, Cable, phone, etc. any other household bills.  We had already paid last months rent when we moved in to the 3 bedroom house we had lived in for four years.  It was up to me to find a new house to live in by January, and still maintain some sort of serenity to my daughters' life.  It was up to me to pack all our belongings and move our whole house. It was up to me to take care of her birthday in November and Christmas in December.  It was up to me to deal with a whole bunch of issues I never saw coming.
I guess that's the hardest part.  I just didn't see this coming.  I was completely blind-sided. HARD. Obviously I knew we were fighting a lot, but I just didn't think I married the kind of guy that would just walk out.  There were signs of course.  Every few months accidentally coming across his profile on a singles website.  The email messages to other women telling them how fine they were. He always explained it away saying, it was just talk.  Giving out our address should have been a big red flag, but I chose to ignore it.  And that was a choice I made.  Looking back, I should have chose to start stashing cash.  But I didn't.  I was dumb.  The late night out with the fellas every weekend.  No time for wifey.  All clear signs. duh!
So here I am.  Sad, broke, and alone.  Wondering what the hell happened.  He says, "I'm a bitch."  My answer now is, "of course I am!"
Another minute has passed by since writing this blog.  I will chose not to let him win.  Over my dead body, he will not break me. I will get off this computer, clean my house til it sparkles, pick up my daughter from school, and cook a yummy gourmet meal, while drinking a glass of wine.  And while I do that, I will Thank God, that I do not have someone breathing down my neck, telling me how tired they are, or how they just want to be left alone, or how hard they had to work today, but 8pm they're gonna go out with the fellas, "to relieve some stress."  I will enjoy what's left of today in the calm peacefulness of my tiny little house, and pray tomorrow is a better day.

Letter from my mother-who is always right!

Darling daughter: Don't be sad. Go outside and look at the sky and feel the breeze. Smell the Sea and the flowers. Notice all that God has done and ask him to rule your life and be willing to listen to him. He sees all the issues involved in a matter and has complete entire knowledge . He reads the heart he notes ignorance, negligence or willful sin. Shannon will reap the whirlwind if he is sinning. Life is too short to be angry.
Think of all your blessings from God, Beauty, Jade, Beau, Sam, & Health etc.. Remember Jehovah God loves you. Jesus does too & so do I. You have many that love you. The bible says Satin was thrown out of heaven. When he came to the earth it says beware because he knows his time is short and he goes around like a roaring lion waiting to devour. Read Gods Word and you will live forever in a paradise where there is no sadness, sickness or death. What a wonderful promise!
With lot's of love Mother

The beginning

I never thought I would be in this position at this time in my life. My hopes and dreams were completely different from where I am at now. I had so many beautiful things planned. A thriving business, a husband I loved, a beautiful baby girl, making money, building a dream home. I even had the design picked out!

Instead, I find myself broke, alone, and desperate! Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy! I cry a lot! I've never been a crier, now I find myself crying at odd times, like when I'm driving down the road, and I mean crying hard, where I can't see! It's crazy!

So after 6 months of living separately, it appears that divorce is inevitable. It's so sad. I loved my husband. I must find the strength to move on, for me and my daughter. I cannot live like I have been. It's not good for me or her.

I will write, and hopefully someone will read this and be able to relate. Maybe I will come out a stronger person in the end, and hopefully take someone with me. If you like this and think you might want to follow. please subscribe & tell your friends!