WALKING IN FAITH

 At this point all I can do is walk in faith.  Faith that God is going to take care of me.  Honestly, things have gotten really bad.  Really, Really bad.  I w ish I was like that housewife on the Dr. Phil show and could stay in bed all day.  Since I have a four-year old, I can't.  But I want to.

Its been a year now, and I can hardly believe it.  What happened to all the stregnth I had 6 months ago?  I guess I was so busy trying to survive, that I just forged ahead.  Left with no other options, thats what women do.  Now that I have a home to live in and food on my table, It feels a tad bit safer to just go ahead and cry, and get nothing done.  It  doesn't matter that I have no money for lights.  Who needs lights?  I like candles anyway.  Actually that's a little extreme, but really things are bad.  I feel like Im have a total breakdown.

It really hurts to get out of bed.  It hurts to talk.  I quit going to therapy.  There nothing to say.  Life is shit.  It's not just my loser husband.  I actually don't even have time to think about him and could really care a less.  I guess that's a blessing.  No time to be sad about such a menial thing as a man! I have bigger problems to deal with. When it rains, it pours.

My eldest son, is going through whatever the hell he is going through, and I can't help him.  He just got out of jail, and that's the least of his problems. As a mother this breaks my heart. Literally.  My heart is broken.  This is what a breakdown feels like, which may be the same thing as a broken heart. Im not sure. My youngest is acting out at school and she's only four.  If anyone knows what this looks like, it looks like a screaming tantrum baby!  The kind you see in Walmart running around like a maniac and the mother ignoring the disruptive, obnoxious baby.  That's me.  Thats's my baby!  If you see me just say 'hi' and keep it moving.  Save your dirty looks.  I  really don't care.!

I'm so depressed!  Everyone I know is living in beautiful houses, happy, planning there next vacation.  At a time when I should be planning my next spa day, Im counting change for coffee!  Fuck!  I can't sleep.  When I say I can't sleep, I mean I haven't slept in a year.  Im really breaking down.  I have a job, but can't work.  Im so worried about my eldest son, his brother, my daughter, work, paying bills, blah blah blah! Will I ever stop crying?  I'm just a HOT MESS!

So....I have no words of wisdom for anyone today.  It's a miracle I got up and wrote this.  I am trying to do ONE thing everyday.  Only one thing.  I'm making a habit of not answering my phone.  Anyone who has the slight inkling of being rude, gets an immediate disconnect.  I can only handle one thing at a time.  Today my one thing is writing.  Which of course, makes me cry! Again!

I hope someone else is having a better day and can offer words of wisdom.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

IS IT A RACE THING?

I'm sure that this post is going to make some people upset. Let me just apologize for that ahead of time. I'll start by saying from the beginning, that I am most certainly not a racist! I happen to be white. It's just a fluke. Actually, my nationality is Sicilian, if that makes a difference.



Anyway, my first husband was white, and my current husband is black. I have white children and mixed children. I never considered race an issue. Ever. For me, it's all about the person on the inside. While good looks may be nice, those looks fade. I really don't even care what a person look likes. As long as they have a good heart, and believe in God.



Which leads me to where I am. I married a good man. Sadly, that man went crazy and lost his mind. It had nothing to do with me. He has his own demons to wrestle, and I can't help him. My question on the race issue is this: How does a black man just walk away for his child? Forget about how he feels for the women. What about the child? I think this may be a race thing.



My current husband, soon to be ex, just one day day walked out the door and never looked back. We have a four year old daughter. He doesn't call, doesn't see her. Just 'oh well, you don't love me anymore so I'm gone." This makes it even harder to love a man, who can so easily walk away from his family. I don't know any white men that do this. I mean, sorry to keep it real, but that's real. Every white man I have ever known, heard about, whatever, still sees their kids no matter what. Maybe because they KNOW that they will have to pay more child support if they don't. But really, it seems like a lot of black men have no problem just walking away from their kids. Is it because their dads were not around? What is it really? I would really really like to know.



Lastly, I find myself in the dilema of have to literally reach out to the black community to find positive roll models for my half-black daughter to embrace. She's around too many white people. There are literally no African Americans in her life. When her daddy walked out, her grandma stopped calling, Auntie, everbody she knew and loved and saw on a regular basis. Which makes me think that it is a black thing. Forget about their feelings for me. How does everyone just turn their backs on a four year old child?



And this is what I am wrestling with today. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Any comments on how to find positive role models in the african amercian community (especially men) would be great too.



Thank You and God Bless



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