There is no title for Lesson 3. It is what it is. YOU MUST PUT YOURSELF FIRST! Above all else, make sure that you have the things you need. Make sure that YOU are taken care of. God will help, or show you the way, or send you an angel, but it is up to you to step up and recognize, and take care of yourself.
What I mean by that is this; If your like me, there are days when you just feel like laying in bed and dying. I don't care if your a man or women. There are days when it's difficult to get out of bed. But you must. You must get up and take care of yourself or you are no good to anyone around you. I have found that just a simple thing like straightening my hair makes me feel better. This is no easy feat. It takes a good hour and a half to straighten my hair and it's a pain in the ass, but it's part of taking care of myself. Give yourself a clean shave (men), paint your nails, do your hair, put on make up. Even if your not going anywhere.
Then go somewhere.
I have become a master at finding bargains and deals, shopping for little to no money, & finding free excursions. I will get into all that in a later lesson. This lesson is about taking care of you. It's so important to take care of yourself. In difficult times we tend to be too depressed to take care of us. The basic needs of the kids, or work, is about all we can handle. "Fake it til you make it." That's the motto I have adopted. Pretend. Act 'as if'. As if your life is perfect, as if your wealthy & beautiful, as if you don't have a care in the world. Act 'as if.'.
Last week I had to stalk my ex to get a child support check. By stalking I mean I had to drive to his job and sit outside and wait for him to show up to pick up his pay. When he finally did show up he came to my car window and gave me this super sad face, and 'whoa is me' tale about how he got a ticket and forgot to show up in court, and how they are going to take his license if he doesn't pay it, and that's why he can't give me child support. I swear I even saw a tear.
I'm so embarrassed to admit it, but I actually felt sorry for him. I actually picked up my phone to call my sister and tell her the money that I borrowed from her so I could TAKE CARE OF ME, (& baby gurl) I wouldn't be able to pay back this week. Instead of my sisters' number pulling up, magically my phone scrolled to the text messages I had save from my crazy ex. You know the ones. That's where the person who once loved you and swore you where the best thing that ever happened to him, sends you texts calling you a whore and many other choice expletives. I saved those texts, just in case I need them to prove to the court that he actually is crazy. Magically those texts reappeared just when I was feeling so for him. Funny how that works.
So I read all of them. And then I marched my perfect little ass, you know, the one he'll never get to touch again, right on down to the courthouse. I stood in line for two hours. The whole time re-reading every text and plotting and planning on how I would take him for every penny he has! Let him be homeless on the street. Not me. Not my daughter. Time to take care of me! I'm going to make sure that I have everything I need. Food on the table, roof over my head, hair done, nails done, and looking as good as I possibly can!
And guess what. I FEEL Better.
I don't have money for an attorney. But there are tons of Legal Aid foundations that are out there and will help you fill out paperwork. In fact, they will tell you what forms you need, and then each form has instructions. So as long as you can read, YOU can file for child support and spousal support! And if you can't read, there are programs for that too. Check your local library.
I have been back and forth to legal aid about 20 times, no exaggeration. I fill out the forms, then I bring them to have an attorney intern look at them, then they tell me what to correct, then I correct, then I bring them back again. And I do it over and over again until I have it right. If your really nice, people will help you. There is no reason to suffer, or let your kids suffer. You know what else I learned? I don't have any money for an attorney because my crazy ex stole it all. But he has money. And the judge will order him to pay attorney fees! hah! And he can't just stop working so he doesn't have to pay child support. There are laws against that too!
So, Ladies and gentleman. Time to take care of yourself. Get up and make yourself look cute, (or handsome) do whatever makes you feel your best, and you know what that is. Do it clean and sober. After your done, make sure you and your kids have what they need. If that means 'show no mercy.' then 'show no mercy.' Everyone is a child of God, and it will all work out as it should. Don't let anyone sucker you into believing they are more important, or somehow you don't deserve to be taken care of. You do deserve it.
Showing posts with label encouragement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label encouragement. Show all posts
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
GETTING OUT OF BED
I started out this morning praying to God to just get me out of bed. Please God, just let me get out of bed and do one thing that I need to do today. It's really not as easy as it sounds. I'd much prefer to lay in bed, cry, eat, and do nothing. It takes a lot of effort to just get up. If I did not have a four year old daughter, I know for sure, I would not get up.
Sometimes I think about that. If I didn't have my daughter would I ever get out of bed? Maybe I would just lay there forever until the smell coming from my apartment would have the neighbors call the police. For real. Of course, first I would eat everything, which is about two weeks worth of food. But after the food was gone, what then? Would I get out of bed? Nope. I don't think so. I wouldn't feel like going to the store, or taking a shower, or getting dressed. Getting dressed is such an effort! Geez, I'd like to look cute, because after all I am single again, but really, who can look cute with big puffy eyes. Or..I start out with good intentions and manage to put myself slightly together. But because I ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat, or for any unknown reason, what difference does it make? I should probably just stay in sweats. I will at least be comfortable.
I wonder if anyone would even check on me. I doubt it. I have teenagers. That says it all. They would never notice I wasn't around. No one on my ex's side of the family checks on me, and my family stopped long ago. My crazy ex called all my friends and told them I was crazy, so now they just wanna steer clear until the tornado blows over.
HOWEVER, as I said, I started out praying to God, to just get me out of bed today and let me do one thing. Instead of one thing, many things have happened. I've been calling all around the state of California and the city I live in, and calling the Veteran's administration and everywhere else I can think of, because the bottom line is, I went from running a business I didn't get paid for, to really having no income at all. Before the money just went back into the house. I've gone through all my savings and will be broker then broke in about one minute. Thus I've been taking serious preventive action.
Believe it or not, after months of taking preventive action my hard work has started to pay off. There are some options! Thank you God. Best news I've had all day! All week, or all month. While I do not have specific monetary support, or specific housing information, or specifically knowing where my next meal will come from, or how I will make my car payment. I do have HOPE. So I HAVE gotten very far today. And Thank You God for getting me out of bed!
Sometimes I think about that. If I didn't have my daughter would I ever get out of bed? Maybe I would just lay there forever until the smell coming from my apartment would have the neighbors call the police. For real. Of course, first I would eat everything, which is about two weeks worth of food. But after the food was gone, what then? Would I get out of bed? Nope. I don't think so. I wouldn't feel like going to the store, or taking a shower, or getting dressed. Getting dressed is such an effort! Geez, I'd like to look cute, because after all I am single again, but really, who can look cute with big puffy eyes. Or..I start out with good intentions and manage to put myself slightly together. But because I ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat, or for any unknown reason, what difference does it make? I should probably just stay in sweats. I will at least be comfortable.
I wonder if anyone would even check on me. I doubt it. I have teenagers. That says it all. They would never notice I wasn't around. No one on my ex's side of the family checks on me, and my family stopped long ago. My crazy ex called all my friends and told them I was crazy, so now they just wanna steer clear until the tornado blows over.
HOWEVER, as I said, I started out praying to God, to just get me out of bed today and let me do one thing. Instead of one thing, many things have happened. I've been calling all around the state of California and the city I live in, and calling the Veteran's administration and everywhere else I can think of, because the bottom line is, I went from running a business I didn't get paid for, to really having no income at all. Before the money just went back into the house. I've gone through all my savings and will be broker then broke in about one minute. Thus I've been taking serious preventive action.
Believe it or not, after months of taking preventive action my hard work has started to pay off. There are some options! Thank you God. Best news I've had all day! All week, or all month. While I do not have specific monetary support, or specific housing information, or specifically knowing where my next meal will come from, or how I will make my car payment. I do have HOPE. So I HAVE gotten very far today. And Thank You God for getting me out of bed!
Monday, June 14, 2010
OOPS... I DID IT AGAIN!
For the first time in three weeks I had a day off, sort of. Baby daddy finally decided to see his daughter. I worked Saturday night (Thank You God) so that really wasn't a day off. I guess officially, I had a few hours to myself Sunday.
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money. Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive. Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful. That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes. Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day. Thankfully I worked Saturday night. Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would. So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts. My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend. My event went late, so I just drove home. I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself. When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy. I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision. As I said, every penny goes to paying bills. So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly. DO I have the $20.00 to spend? Probably not. Will I have enough gas money for the week? - Bills are due.- Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" - Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going. All before 9am! I finally decide to just get up and do it. THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities. But I deserve this. I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself. Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure. It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens? That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out! She looks at me stunned. I know she thinks she hurt me or something. I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me. It's quite a sight. I can't stop crying. Again! fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks. I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good. She had brand new chairs and they were awesome! I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done! I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH. I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through. Enough crying already! Yeah this s*** is sad. So I'll give myself permission to be sad. Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through. That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money. He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it. How is that fair? He didn't even have a checking account before he met me. He can't even get a checking account now! How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add. And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share. And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case. But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)
*If you like what you read, please comment (click on envelope below), subscribe, by clicking pencil below, or follow by clicking on 'follow' button to right.*
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money. Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive. Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful. That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes. Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day. Thankfully I worked Saturday night. Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would. So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts. My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend. My event went late, so I just drove home. I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself. When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy. I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision. As I said, every penny goes to paying bills. So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly. DO I have the $20.00 to spend? Probably not. Will I have enough gas money for the week? - Bills are due.- Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" - Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going. All before 9am! I finally decide to just get up and do it. THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities. But I deserve this. I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself. Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure. It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens? That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out! She looks at me stunned. I know she thinks she hurt me or something. I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me. It's quite a sight. I can't stop crying. Again! fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks. I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good. She had brand new chairs and they were awesome! I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done! I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH. I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through. Enough crying already! Yeah this s*** is sad. So I'll give myself permission to be sad. Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through. That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money. He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it. How is that fair? He didn't even have a checking account before he met me. He can't even get a checking account now! How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add. And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share. And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case. But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)
*If you like what you read, please comment (click on envelope below), subscribe, by clicking pencil below, or follow by clicking on 'follow' button to right.*
Saturday, June 12, 2010
What we write - What people read
I wrote about how I'm in a depressed funk, and then next day I got a whole bunch of spam mail about depression! 'Here, take this pill, it cures depression'. I guess the spam mail didn't read my blog! I clearly stated I don't believe in taking pills. It's a personnel choice.
I wrote Kim Vs. Countess from Atlanta housewife's and N.Y. Housewife's. Funny how everyone bagged on Kim about how she couldn't sing, but no one is even mentioning to the 'Countess' that she can't even come close to carrying a tune. It's laughable really. I sit on the edge of my bed, just waiting for someone to say, Sorry, Countess, but you really cannot sing." Yet NO ONE does. They keep addressing her as 'Countess' and telling her how fabulous she is. She is fabulous, but she CANNOT sing. There I said it! Lots of people had a comment regarding my housewife's post. Yet NO ONE seemed to care about the post below:
http://www.military.com/news/article/policeman-shoots-unarmed-marine-13-times.html.
POLICEMAN SHOOTS UNARMED MAN 13 times.
The above link was sent to me via www.military.com. As a veteran, I subscribe. This is the most horrific article I have ever read! I posted this on my facebook news feed, yet no one made not ONE comment!. I then looked for it this morning and somehow it was taken down. And not by me. I couldn't find it anywhere. hmmmm. FYI. I don't even live in Maryland where the incident took place. Nor do I know the family. I posted it because stories like these, involving police officers somehow seem to get buried. Disappear. Like my facebook post.
I started out blogging about how I'M so tired of being depressed. Then I read a story about a Marine, shot by policeman 13 times, at a club, after doing a tour in Iraq, cuz the marine made a comment to the cop's women. And I have the nerve to be depressed. There is so much more going on then me!
Today, I will shake off whatever bad mood I'm in. Pray that I and my children are alive, and Thank God for every moment I have. Even the rough ones!
I wrote Kim Vs. Countess from Atlanta housewife's and N.Y. Housewife's. Funny how everyone bagged on Kim about how she couldn't sing, but no one is even mentioning to the 'Countess' that she can't even come close to carrying a tune. It's laughable really. I sit on the edge of my bed, just waiting for someone to say, Sorry, Countess, but you really cannot sing." Yet NO ONE does. They keep addressing her as 'Countess' and telling her how fabulous she is. She is fabulous, but she CANNOT sing. There I said it! Lots of people had a comment regarding my housewife's post. Yet NO ONE seemed to care about the post below:
http://www.military.com/news/article/policeman-shoots-unarmed-marine-13-times.html.
POLICEMAN SHOOTS UNARMED MAN 13 times.
The above link was sent to me via www.military.com. As a veteran, I subscribe. This is the most horrific article I have ever read! I posted this on my facebook news feed, yet no one made not ONE comment!. I then looked for it this morning and somehow it was taken down. And not by me. I couldn't find it anywhere. hmmmm. FYI. I don't even live in Maryland where the incident took place. Nor do I know the family. I posted it because stories like these, involving police officers somehow seem to get buried. Disappear. Like my facebook post.
I started out blogging about how I'M so tired of being depressed. Then I read a story about a Marine, shot by policeman 13 times, at a club, after doing a tour in Iraq, cuz the marine made a comment to the cop's women. And I have the nerve to be depressed. There is so much more going on then me!
Today, I will shake off whatever bad mood I'm in. Pray that I and my children are alive, and Thank God for every moment I have. Even the rough ones!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Depression is Depressing
Depression is Depressing! Honestly, How do people that have this disease function? I've been depressed for several months now and I just cant take it anymore! I'm so tired of being depressed! I have no energy. I can barely get out of bed. I force myself to get out of bed! It takes a great deal of will on a regular basis to actually get up and do things. I have a long list of things I need to take care of everyday. Yet I am so depressed, I can barely do them. Life functioning things-things that if I don't do there are going to major problems. I'm not talking about things like washing my hair, or getting my nails done. I'm talking about survival! Yet, still, I'm so depressed I can barely do what I have to do in order to survive. This sucks!
I cry at any given moment. Like right now. I'm crying! ridiculous! I'm sad and depressed and crying because I know I have so many things things to take care of and I just don't know if I can do them. Things like keeping food in the refrigerator, keeping my lights and gas on....etc etc. Yet I sit here and cry! Depressing! Shit!
I hear and read that there are things you can do to get of a depressed state of mind. Oh really? Like go for a run? Yeah, I tried that. I've tried that on several occasions. You know what happens to me? When I start running, I start REALLY balling my eyes out. Like crying so hard, I can't see where I'm going! I get an hour to exercise and it's so quite and peaceful and then I start thinking about all the crap I've been through in the last 7 months and I really just start sobbing uncontrollably. Or I run by all the beautiful houses near my tiny little apartment and I really start crying, because of course, I should have all of that if not for the circumstances that have left me with nothing, which we won't get into because if we do, I won't finish this blog. I'll be too depressed. So no, exercise does not do it for me.
Eat some ice cream. No not that either, that doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse. I don't even love ice cream and if I eat snacks or crap that's not good for me, I just feel fat after and that makes me more depressed.
Take a pill. I've never been good at taking pills. Hence, my four year old daughter! Plus- pills for depression, I've heard makes you feel nothing and lethargic. I need energy to take care of stuff not a pill that will make my head fuzzy.
Crap!
I guess I'll just ride it out.
I cry at any given moment. Like right now. I'm crying! ridiculous! I'm sad and depressed and crying because I know I have so many things things to take care of and I just don't know if I can do them. Things like keeping food in the refrigerator, keeping my lights and gas on....etc etc. Yet I sit here and cry! Depressing! Shit!
I hear and read that there are things you can do to get of a depressed state of mind. Oh really? Like go for a run? Yeah, I tried that. I've tried that on several occasions. You know what happens to me? When I start running, I start REALLY balling my eyes out. Like crying so hard, I can't see where I'm going! I get an hour to exercise and it's so quite and peaceful and then I start thinking about all the crap I've been through in the last 7 months and I really just start sobbing uncontrollably. Or I run by all the beautiful houses near my tiny little apartment and I really start crying, because of course, I should have all of that if not for the circumstances that have left me with nothing, which we won't get into because if we do, I won't finish this blog. I'll be too depressed. So no, exercise does not do it for me.
Eat some ice cream. No not that either, that doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse. I don't even love ice cream and if I eat snacks or crap that's not good for me, I just feel fat after and that makes me more depressed.
Take a pill. I've never been good at taking pills. Hence, my four year old daughter! Plus- pills for depression, I've heard makes you feel nothing and lethargic. I need energy to take care of stuff not a pill that will make my head fuzzy.
Crap!
I guess I'll just ride it out.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The purpose of this blog is not to get into a 'he said, she said'. Nor do I choose to get into the gory details of everything I have been put through. I'm writing because I cannot possibly be the only person who has gone through this type of pain, and found a way past it. I've read other books like, "Divorce Sucks" by Mary Jo Eustace, ex-wife of Dean Spelling (as in Tori Spelling). Divorce books are great, however, mostly written after the fact. This will be different as I plan to write as I go.
While intellectually I assume that I will get past the pain, emotionally I'm just not quite sure. Everyday is different. Every minute is different. Anything can set me off, into any type of reaction. One minute I may be crying my eyes out as I drive down the street. The next I may be cussing out the coffee shop girl who had the nerve to look at me cross-eyed. I just don't know what is going to happen next. I have been blind-sided, and this blog is for every women who didn't see it coming (Sandra Bullock). And for every man as well, who did right by his women, took care of her, loved her, and then found out later she was cheating with the gardener while he was at work. And then had the nerve to say, "Well you're never home."
This blog is for those of us who don't deserve what we have been put through. In fact, lets just say I was a drug-addicted street-walking prostitute. I STILL don't deserve what I've been put through. Yet somehow I have tolerated it. I'm going to write until I convince myself, and hopefully you, that 'this' is not o.k. Whatever your 'this' is, you deserve better. I deserve better.
While intellectually I assume that I will get past the pain, emotionally I'm just not quite sure. Everyday is different. Every minute is different. Anything can set me off, into any type of reaction. One minute I may be crying my eyes out as I drive down the street. The next I may be cussing out the coffee shop girl who had the nerve to look at me cross-eyed. I just don't know what is going to happen next. I have been blind-sided, and this blog is for every women who didn't see it coming (Sandra Bullock). And for every man as well, who did right by his women, took care of her, loved her, and then found out later she was cheating with the gardener while he was at work. And then had the nerve to say, "Well you're never home."
This blog is for those of us who don't deserve what we have been put through. In fact, lets just say I was a drug-addicted street-walking prostitute. I STILL don't deserve what I've been put through. Yet somehow I have tolerated it. I'm going to write until I convince myself, and hopefully you, that 'this' is not o.k. Whatever your 'this' is, you deserve better. I deserve better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)