I'LL BE DAMN, IF I LET HIM BREAK ME DOWN!

Seriously, this is ridiculous!  I'll be damn, if I let a man break me down! He's trying though, for real!  He stopped making my car payment, a week before payment was due. "oh, by the way, I won't be paying your car payment." 
That would be the car he bought for me four months before he walked out to do whatever it is he's doing.  The car he bought for me, "because I deserve it."  "Get whatever you want baby, just keep payments under $500.00 per month."  So I picked a car that barely uses any gas, and one I love.  A Smart Car.  Now, four months later I can't afford the $350.00 dollar payment and they're probably going to come get it.  Meantime the ex is sporting brand new furniture in his bachelor pad!

I can't be poor like this anymore.  I'm spending so much time trying to figure out how I'm going to live, that I'm really not living at all.  I'm hustling up jobs, sometimes, serving or bar tending or working an event.  It's the same thing I was doing 'before'- for lunch money.  Now the same job has to pay my rent, car, food, utilities, etc.,  It's not enough.  I have applied to every job under the sun for the last six months.  While I have pulled in some hard to get interviews, I have not found a job.  Times are desperate.  Very desperate.  Very Very desperate.  I cannot pay my light bill, or any other bill.  I don't have enough gas to drive the car they're about to take anyway.  My daughter is sick, 103 temperature, and I can't even buy her cold medicine.
It's REALLY  bad.

This fool thinks he's gonna break me, by not doing for me.  I might be poor as hell, but I do know that Karma is a bitch!  I'll be damn if I let him break me!  I don't know how it's gonna happen, or when, or with what, nor do I have any answers at all.  I just know that my God knows that I cannot live like this anymore.  It's enough.
Something has to happen for me soon.  I must work, get a steady income, or make this book come alive.  Either way, it's got to be soon!

I'm going to dream big!  I'm going to keep applying to jobs.  I'm going to keep doing what I have to do, even if it means one little baby step at a time.  I'm taking one little baby step at a time, and my determination not to let this loser break me down, is what is going to keep me going.  So what if I get kicked out of my apartment cuz I can't pay the rent?  The apartment is in his name!  HA! See-Karma is a bitch!  Bet he didn't think about that when he told me he couldn't pay child support on time last month.  Bet he didn't remember that when he was buying himself new furniture for HIS apartment and paying HIS rent on time. I'm going to keep going, keep praying, and keep working it out until it works.  And I'll be damn, if I let a man break me down.

OOPS... I DID IT AGAIN!

For the first time in three weeks I had a day off, sort of.  Baby daddy finally decided to see his daughter.  I worked Saturday night (Thank You God) so that really wasn't a day off.  I guess officially, I had a few hours to myself Sunday.
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money.  Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive.  Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful.  That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes.  Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day.  Thankfully I worked Saturday night.  Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would.  So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts.  My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend.  My event went late, so I just drove home.  I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself.  When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy.  I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision.  As I said, every penny goes to paying bills.  So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly.  DO I have the $20.00 to spend?  Probably not.  Will I have enough gas money for the week? -  Bills are due.-   Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" -  Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going.  All before 9am!  I finally decide to just get up and do it.  THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities.  But I deserve this.  I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself.  Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure.  It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens?  That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out!  She looks at me stunned.  I know she thinks she hurt me or something.  I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me.  It's quite a sight.  I can't stop crying. Again!  fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks.  I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good.  She had brand new chairs and they were awesome!  I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done!  I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH.  I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through.  Enough crying already!  Yeah this s*** is sad.  So I'll give myself permission to be sad.  Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through.  That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money.  He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it.  How is that fair?  He didn't even have a checking account before he met me.  He can't even get a checking account now!  How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add.  And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set  complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share.  And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case.  But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)

*If you like what you read, please comment (click on envelope below), subscribe, by clicking  pencil below, or follow by clicking on 'follow' button to right.*

Depression is Depressing

Depression is Depressing!  Honestly, How do people that have this disease function?  I've been depressed for several months now and I just cant take it anymore!  I'm so tired of being depressed!  I have no energy.  I can barely get out of bed.  I force myself to get out of bed!  It takes a great deal of will on a regular basis to actually get up and do things.  I have a long list of things I need to take care of everyday.  Yet I am so depressed, I can barely do them.  Life functioning things-things that if I don't do there are going to major problems.  I'm not talking about things like washing my hair, or getting my nails done.  I'm talking about survival!  Yet, still, I'm so depressed I can barely do what I have to do in order to survive.  This sucks!
I cry at any given moment.  Like right now. I'm crying! ridiculous!  I'm sad and depressed and crying because I know I have so many things things to take care of and I just don't know if I can do them.  Things like keeping food in the refrigerator, keeping my lights and gas on....etc etc.  Yet I sit here and cry! Depressing! Shit!
I hear and read that there are things you can do to get of a depressed state of mind.  Oh really?  Like go for a run?  Yeah, I tried that.  I've tried that on several occasions.  You know what happens to me?  When I start running, I start REALLY balling my eyes out.  Like crying so hard, I can't see where I'm going! I get an hour to exercise and it's so quite and peaceful and then I start thinking about all the crap I've been through in the last 7 months and I really just start sobbing uncontrollably.  Or I run by all the beautiful houses near my tiny little apartment and I really start crying, because of course, I should have all of that if not for the circumstances that have left me with nothing, which we won't get into because if we do, I won't finish this blog.  I'll be too depressed.  So no, exercise does not do it for me.
Eat some ice cream.  No not that either, that doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse.  I don't even love ice cream and if I eat snacks or crap that's not good for me, I just feel fat after and that makes me more depressed.
Take a pill.  I've never been good at taking pills.  Hence, my four year old daughter!  Plus- pills for depression, I've heard makes you feel nothing and lethargic.  I need energy to take care of stuff not a pill that will make my head fuzzy.
Crap!
I guess I'll just ride it out.

Vodka & Cream Soda

I'm sitting here writing this blog with a Vodka & Cream Soda in my hand.  Pretty talented huh? I woke up this morning with my boxing gloves on, ready to take on the crap that I have been avoiding for many months now.  I haven't wanted to file for divorce, or legal separation, or anything.  I don't know why.  I guess I have been hoping in the back of my mind, that the EX would just wake up one day and see that he has seriously lost his mind, and get the help he needs. 
This is not the man I married.  The man I have been dealing with the last 7 months, more like the last year and seven months, is not the person that I married.  This is not the person I took vows with.  The is some other person that has lost his mind, and since he was a perfectly rational person (with a few exceptions) over the last 7 years I have just been assuming that he will somehow become that rational person again.  The reason that I am typing with a Vodka/Cream soda in my hand is that I am now realizing that it's just not going to happen.
And so today, I will pour myself a drink and give myself permission to just cry over the sadness of it all.
I started out this day ready to fight.  5 a.m. up bright and early because of course, I cannot sleep.  The weekend threw another obstacle in my face.  You see my EX, has made it so, that I can no longer speak to his sister.  His sister who I spoke to every day.  His sister who has four daughters, all around the same age as my daughter.  His sister who we used to go over her house every other weekend at least, and all the girls would play together.  Now, she does not take my calls.  He has told her she is not allowed to speak to me, thus, my daughter cannot see her cousins.  My daughter misses her cousins, and loves her cousins, and talks about them.  She asks when she can see them.  I feel like this:
It's not enough that you have destroyed every part of my life that I was comfortable in.  Now you have to worm your way to messing with my daughter.  Why? On the off chance that I may ask your sister to babysit ONE night and have a night out?  It's bad enough that i accepted everything you have done, turned my cheek as if perhaps I may have somehow deserved it. You didn't go too far when you gave our address out over the Internet to meet up with some ho, it wasn't too far when you moved into the house you moved into (you know what I mean), it wasn't too far when you sent me pics of other women you were messing with via text, it wasn't too far when you accused me of doing things that I didn't even THINK of doing.  Yet somehow, NOT letting my daughter see her cousins is very definitely going too too far!
So I woke up with boxing gloves on, and went straight to the library filling out all the forms I need to file Separation Papers. I got thru the first 40 forms and then just broke down.  The sadness of it all is overwhelming.
 I'm giving you the business, the one that I started for you.  Remember?  The one you were so grateful that I started.  You didn' t even know you could just start your own business.  Remember the money I gave you for your first truck?  Remember how I borrowed my friends car so I could teach you how to drive a stick, so you could go to truck driving school? Remember how happy you were to have a business checking account in yours & my name?  Remember all that?
Anyway, so here I sit with a Vodka/Cream Soda.  A delicious drink by the way.  I will finish my forms in the morning, I will have an attorney look at them and see if it was done correctly.  If he fights me on child support or spousal support I will take out a loan and fight him for every last dime he has.  After all he wouldn't have a dime if it wasn't for me.
I am so sad, and devasted and wonder if I could have done anything different.  But in fact I could not.

Ready for Battle

Today started out so beautifully.  A holiday weekend in sunny California and what could be better!  I love living here.  I love the sunshine and the beaches and will always be a die-hard California girl.  My dermatologist constantly warns me of the dangers sunbathing.  Now, I wear a big floppy hat, huge sunglasses and a t-shirt over my chest!  I like getting my arms and legs tan though and still venture to the beach on a weekly basis.  I feel like nothing is better for my four year old daughter then an hour or two playing in the sun and sea water! Plus...it wears her out!
It's been extremely difficult keeping my head up.  I made a promise to myself not to write about depressing things and so I won't.  I'll just say this past week has definitely been one of those weeks that 'If it doesn't kill me, It'll make me stronger."  Often I feel I may die soon.  Just when I overcome one obstacle another is thrown in my face.  My faith is huge and I know I will get through.  I just don't know how.
After a beautiful day, tonight another obstacle had been thrown at me.  It's really time that I finish crying and put on my boxing gloves and get ready to fight.  Certain circumstances have made it clear that I need to really buck up and become the gangsta that I am.  I can no longer hang my head and hope that things work out.  They will not.  I must take care of myself and my daughter.  If I don't no one else will.
So I will put on my gloves and get ready for what is sure to be a vicious battle.  Any words of encouragement will be greatly appreciated as I will need every ounce of strength I have.

When to let go

I recently read when Sandra Bullock found out about her husband, Jesse James affairs, she immediately left the house they shared together and moved somewhere else.  For many weeks we heard from the media and on shows like TMZ that she was filing for divorce, then she wasn't filing for divorce, they were getting back together, they weren't getting back together.   It wasn't until months later she came out with the story of her adopted child and the fact that she indeed, had already filed for divorce.
My question is when is that decision made?  Did she decide right away?  My problem is, I cannot decide whether I should actually file for divorce.  Honestly, I don't know what I'm waiting for.  I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I keep hoping that he will change.  I know how absurd that sounds.  I sound like a women on the Maury Povich Show.  The kind of women that Maury says, "we caught your husband with a decoy, you caught him in bed with another women, why are you still with him?  and the women answers lamely, "cuz I love him Maury." and the whole audience goes crazy and thinks she's a dumb b**ch.

That's me.  A dumb bi**h! My circumstances have not been exactly the same.  I have never actually caught my husband physically cheating.  I have caught him on the Internet on some singles website, chatting it up with various other women on numerous occasions.  I have caught him emailing another women about how much fun he had when he pulled over on the side of the road in his big rig and she came out to meet and make-out with him.  I have caught him giving out our address over the Internet.  Physically I have not caught him in the actual act.  He says it was just talk and he didn't mean anything by it.  I guess I'll never know.

I have spent the last six months in therapy.  An appointment my husband forced me into making stating that "it's all my fault and if I don't go to therapy to find out why I'm so bitchy then he's not coming back."
Therapy was a great idea, and I thank him for making me go.  What I learned, was in fact, it is not ALL my fault, and any other women, giving the same circumstances would probably be bitchy too!
I have listened to my husband blame me for everything.  The list is so long for things he is blaming me for,  that I would just rather not itemize them.  Suffice it to say that it boils down to, "I was mean and treated him bad."
But here's the thing, it's very possible I was mean.  Honestly, I really don't know who wouldn't be.  My husband spent more time on the Internet, sleeping, and hanging with his homies then he ever did with me, my daughter, or my step-son.  Let alone spend time with my two older kids.  He has continued to really just go way out of his way to be extremely verbally abusive to me.  He has continued in the lifestyle that got us we we are today.  The things he has done to me personally are so foul, I just would rather not tell anyone.  It's embarrassing. I have told my therapist who tells me "I have every right to never speak to him again."
So why haven't I filed for divorce?  I mean, do I really think he is going to change? And how much more insults and assaults toward my character, undeservedly disrespecting my parenting, and phone calls to my family should I really tolerate before I give up?
I would really love to hear your comments if you have had a similar situation.

The purpose of this blog is not to get into a 'he said, she said'. Nor do I choose to get into the gory details of everything I have been put through. I'm writing because I cannot possibly be the only person who has gone through this type of pain, and found a way past it. I've read other books like, "Divorce Sucks" by Mary Jo Eustace, ex-wife of Dean Spelling (as in Tori Spelling). Divorce books are great, however, mostly written after the fact. This will be different as I plan to write as I go.

While intellectually I assume that I will get past the pain, emotionally I'm just not quite sure. Everyday is different. Every minute is different. Anything can set me off, into any type of reaction. One minute I may be crying my eyes out as I drive down the street. The next I may be cussing out the coffee shop girl who had the nerve to look at me cross-eyed. I just don't know what is going to happen next. I have been blind-sided, and this blog is for every women who didn't see it coming (Sandra Bullock). And for every man as well, who did right by his women, took care of her, loved her, and then found out later she was cheating with the gardener while he was at work. And then had the nerve to say, "Well you're never home."

This blog is for those of us who don't deserve what we have been put through. In fact, lets just say I was a drug-addicted street-walking prostitute. I STILL don't deserve what I've been put through. Yet somehow I have tolerated it. I'm going to write until I convince myself, and hopefully you, that 'this' is not o.k. Whatever your 'this' is, you deserve better. I deserve better.