TAKING BABY STEPS

07/21/2010

I have decide to write my blog a little differently.  Instead of whining about all the trouble, emotions, and hell I am going through I have decide to help other women (and men)!  If today is the first day of you following my blog then your in luck! 

Here's the thing.  I spend most of my days running with my head cut off.  I am basically trying to recover from the fact that my husband abandoned myself and my four year old daughter.  He walked out November 4, 2009 and just never came back.. It took at least three months for me to figure out that he wasn't coming back.  Did I mention he stole all my money when he left?  Yup, took the business that I started for him (I thought I was starting the business for us), he left, and took the business that I started along with all the money we had, and just walked out. 

I'm not bitter or anything.  I don't have time.  The last 8 months have been spent trying to ensure I have a home a to live in,. food on the table, and provide my daughter what she needs.  I don't have time to be bitter.  And that ladies and gentleman is Lesson Number 1.

1.  Do not waste your time on being bitter.  Don't waste your time asking yourself, " what could I have done differently?'  Sometimes,  the people we marry are just idiots.  They have their own issues and it has nothing to do with you.  If your wife says,  "I cheated on you because your never home."  And your never home because your working all the time to pay the bills.  Then 'F-her!"  move on.  Don't waste your time fretting over what you could have done different.

If you supported your husband through law school and then he leaves you to boink the young, hot secretary, then 'F-Him too!'  Or-If your husband walked out because now you have four kids, and he thinks he can get more attention or do better somewhere else then 'F-Him'.

Have a cry, or two, then drink a cup of tea, or something stronger, and MOVE ON!  Life is short!  Don't waste your time fretting over someone who just doesn't deserve the time, energy or emotional havoc it takes on you and your body!  Sad bodies become out of shape, feel crappy, and really don't look good! 

Today, have a happy body!  If you have to go into the bathroom, or a quite place at work, or walk around the block.  Do it.  Do it now!  Take five minutes to be sad, then just move on.  You will get better I promise!

Take it from me, I know.  I loved my husband deeply with every part of my being.  I thought we would be together forever.  I was building a life with him, that maybe wasn't perfect. but I was happy.  I never thought he would walk out!  But all of that matters not.  The point is, I am getting better, and it is getting easier, and I will come out stronger.  In fact I can see that happening now. Right now before my very eyes!

Today's lesson:  Take five or ten minutes to be sad. (don't take more then 15 minutes!)  cry, take a walk, do whatever you have to do, and then move on!  Don't waste another minute on what woulda, coulda, shoulda, just MOVE ON!

GETTING OUT OF BED

I started out this morning praying to God to just get me out of bed.  Please God, just let me get out of bed and do one thing that I need to do today.  It's really not as easy as it sounds.  I'd much prefer to lay in bed, cry, eat, and do nothing.  It takes a lot of effort to just get up.  If I did not have a four year old daughter, I know for sure, I would not get up.
Sometimes I think about that.  If I didn't have my daughter would I ever get out of bed?  Maybe I would just lay there forever until the smell coming from my apartment would have the neighbors call the police.  For real.  Of course, first I would eat everything, which is about two weeks worth of food. But after the food was gone, what then?  Would I get out of bed?  Nope.  I don't think so. I wouldn't feel like going to the store, or taking a shower, or getting dressed.  Getting dressed is such an effort!  Geez, I'd like to look cute, because after all I am single again, but really, who can look cute with big puffy eyes.  Or..I start out with good intentions and manage to put myself slightly together.  But because I ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat, or for any unknown reason, what difference does it make?  I should probably just stay in sweats.  I will at least be comfortable.
I wonder if anyone would even check on me.  I doubt it.  I have teenagers.  That says it all.  They would never notice I wasn't around.  No one on my ex's side of the family checks on me, and my family stopped long ago.  My crazy ex called all my friends and told them I was crazy, so now they just wanna steer clear until the tornado blows over.
HOWEVER, as I said, I started out praying to God, to just get me out of bed today and let me do one thing.  Instead of one thing, many things have happened.  I've been calling all around the state of California and the city I live in, and calling the Veteran's administration and everywhere else I can think of, because the bottom line is, I went from running a business I didn't get paid for, to really having no income at all.  Before the money just went back into the house. I've gone through all my savings and will be broker then broke in about one minute.  Thus I've been taking serious preventive action.
Believe it or not, after months of taking preventive action my hard work has started to pay off.  There are some options!  Thank you God.  Best news I've had all day! All week, or all month.  While I do not have specific monetary support, or specific housing information, or specifically knowing where my next meal will come from, or how I will make my car payment.  I do have HOPE.  So I HAVE gotten very far today.  And Thank You God for getting me out of bed!

OOPS... I DID IT AGAIN!

For the first time in three weeks I had a day off, sort of.  Baby daddy finally decided to see his daughter.  I worked Saturday night (Thank You God) so that really wasn't a day off.  I guess officially, I had a few hours to myself Sunday.
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money.  Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive.  Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful.  That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes.  Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day.  Thankfully I worked Saturday night.  Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would.  So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts.  My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend.  My event went late, so I just drove home.  I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself.  When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy.  I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision.  As I said, every penny goes to paying bills.  So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly.  DO I have the $20.00 to spend?  Probably not.  Will I have enough gas money for the week? -  Bills are due.-   Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" -  Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going.  All before 9am!  I finally decide to just get up and do it.  THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities.  But I deserve this.  I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself.  Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure.  It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens?  That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out!  She looks at me stunned.  I know she thinks she hurt me or something.  I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me.  It's quite a sight.  I can't stop crying. Again!  fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks.  I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good.  She had brand new chairs and they were awesome!  I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done!  I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH.  I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through.  Enough crying already!  Yeah this s*** is sad.  So I'll give myself permission to be sad.  Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through.  That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money.  He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it.  How is that fair?  He didn't even have a checking account before he met me.  He can't even get a checking account now!  How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add.  And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set  complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share.  And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case.  But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)

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Vodka & Cream Soda

I'm sitting here writing this blog with a Vodka & Cream Soda in my hand.  Pretty talented huh? I woke up this morning with my boxing gloves on, ready to take on the crap that I have been avoiding for many months now.  I haven't wanted to file for divorce, or legal separation, or anything.  I don't know why.  I guess I have been hoping in the back of my mind, that the EX would just wake up one day and see that he has seriously lost his mind, and get the help he needs. 
This is not the man I married.  The man I have been dealing with the last 7 months, more like the last year and seven months, is not the person that I married.  This is not the person I took vows with.  The is some other person that has lost his mind, and since he was a perfectly rational person (with a few exceptions) over the last 7 years I have just been assuming that he will somehow become that rational person again.  The reason that I am typing with a Vodka/Cream soda in my hand is that I am now realizing that it's just not going to happen.
And so today, I will pour myself a drink and give myself permission to just cry over the sadness of it all.
I started out this day ready to fight.  5 a.m. up bright and early because of course, I cannot sleep.  The weekend threw another obstacle in my face.  You see my EX, has made it so, that I can no longer speak to his sister.  His sister who I spoke to every day.  His sister who has four daughters, all around the same age as my daughter.  His sister who we used to go over her house every other weekend at least, and all the girls would play together.  Now, she does not take my calls.  He has told her she is not allowed to speak to me, thus, my daughter cannot see her cousins.  My daughter misses her cousins, and loves her cousins, and talks about them.  She asks when she can see them.  I feel like this:
It's not enough that you have destroyed every part of my life that I was comfortable in.  Now you have to worm your way to messing with my daughter.  Why? On the off chance that I may ask your sister to babysit ONE night and have a night out?  It's bad enough that i accepted everything you have done, turned my cheek as if perhaps I may have somehow deserved it. You didn't go too far when you gave our address out over the Internet to meet up with some ho, it wasn't too far when you moved into the house you moved into (you know what I mean), it wasn't too far when you sent me pics of other women you were messing with via text, it wasn't too far when you accused me of doing things that I didn't even THINK of doing.  Yet somehow, NOT letting my daughter see her cousins is very definitely going too too far!
So I woke up with boxing gloves on, and went straight to the library filling out all the forms I need to file Separation Papers. I got thru the first 40 forms and then just broke down.  The sadness of it all is overwhelming.
 I'm giving you the business, the one that I started for you.  Remember?  The one you were so grateful that I started.  You didn' t even know you could just start your own business.  Remember the money I gave you for your first truck?  Remember how I borrowed my friends car so I could teach you how to drive a stick, so you could go to truck driving school? Remember how happy you were to have a business checking account in yours & my name?  Remember all that?
Anyway, so here I sit with a Vodka/Cream Soda.  A delicious drink by the way.  I will finish my forms in the morning, I will have an attorney look at them and see if it was done correctly.  If he fights me on child support or spousal support I will take out a loan and fight him for every last dime he has.  After all he wouldn't have a dime if it wasn't for me.
I am so sad, and devasted and wonder if I could have done anything different.  But in fact I could not.

Ready for Battle

Today started out so beautifully.  A holiday weekend in sunny California and what could be better!  I love living here.  I love the sunshine and the beaches and will always be a die-hard California girl.  My dermatologist constantly warns me of the dangers sunbathing.  Now, I wear a big floppy hat, huge sunglasses and a t-shirt over my chest!  I like getting my arms and legs tan though and still venture to the beach on a weekly basis.  I feel like nothing is better for my four year old daughter then an hour or two playing in the sun and sea water! Plus...it wears her out!
It's been extremely difficult keeping my head up.  I made a promise to myself not to write about depressing things and so I won't.  I'll just say this past week has definitely been one of those weeks that 'If it doesn't kill me, It'll make me stronger."  Often I feel I may die soon.  Just when I overcome one obstacle another is thrown in my face.  My faith is huge and I know I will get through.  I just don't know how.
After a beautiful day, tonight another obstacle had been thrown at me.  It's really time that I finish crying and put on my boxing gloves and get ready to fight.  Certain circumstances have made it clear that I need to really buck up and become the gangsta that I am.  I can no longer hang my head and hope that things work out.  They will not.  I must take care of myself and my daughter.  If I don't no one else will.
So I will put on my gloves and get ready for what is sure to be a vicious battle.  Any words of encouragement will be greatly appreciated as I will need every ounce of strength I have.

When to let go

I recently read when Sandra Bullock found out about her husband, Jesse James affairs, she immediately left the house they shared together and moved somewhere else.  For many weeks we heard from the media and on shows like TMZ that she was filing for divorce, then she wasn't filing for divorce, they were getting back together, they weren't getting back together.   It wasn't until months later she came out with the story of her adopted child and the fact that she indeed, had already filed for divorce.
My question is when is that decision made?  Did she decide right away?  My problem is, I cannot decide whether I should actually file for divorce.  Honestly, I don't know what I'm waiting for.  I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I keep hoping that he will change.  I know how absurd that sounds.  I sound like a women on the Maury Povich Show.  The kind of women that Maury says, "we caught your husband with a decoy, you caught him in bed with another women, why are you still with him?  and the women answers lamely, "cuz I love him Maury." and the whole audience goes crazy and thinks she's a dumb b**ch.

That's me.  A dumb bi**h! My circumstances have not been exactly the same.  I have never actually caught my husband physically cheating.  I have caught him on the Internet on some singles website, chatting it up with various other women on numerous occasions.  I have caught him emailing another women about how much fun he had when he pulled over on the side of the road in his big rig and she came out to meet and make-out with him.  I have caught him giving out our address over the Internet.  Physically I have not caught him in the actual act.  He says it was just talk and he didn't mean anything by it.  I guess I'll never know.

I have spent the last six months in therapy.  An appointment my husband forced me into making stating that "it's all my fault and if I don't go to therapy to find out why I'm so bitchy then he's not coming back."
Therapy was a great idea, and I thank him for making me go.  What I learned, was in fact, it is not ALL my fault, and any other women, giving the same circumstances would probably be bitchy too!
I have listened to my husband blame me for everything.  The list is so long for things he is blaming me for,  that I would just rather not itemize them.  Suffice it to say that it boils down to, "I was mean and treated him bad."
But here's the thing, it's very possible I was mean.  Honestly, I really don't know who wouldn't be.  My husband spent more time on the Internet, sleeping, and hanging with his homies then he ever did with me, my daughter, or my step-son.  Let alone spend time with my two older kids.  He has continued to really just go way out of his way to be extremely verbally abusive to me.  He has continued in the lifestyle that got us we we are today.  The things he has done to me personally are so foul, I just would rather not tell anyone.  It's embarrassing. I have told my therapist who tells me "I have every right to never speak to him again."
So why haven't I filed for divorce?  I mean, do I really think he is going to change? And how much more insults and assaults toward my character, undeservedly disrespecting my parenting, and phone calls to my family should I really tolerate before I give up?
I would really love to hear your comments if you have had a similar situation.

Minute by minute

Every day is different, every minute in fact.  I started out writing this blog at the recommendation of my therapist.  She didn't say exactly, "go blog".  What she said was,  "it might be helpful to keep a journal."
Here is my journal.
  What I am finding out is that each day brings with it a new and different emotion.  Sometimes each minute. The past six months have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Sometimes just so strong I cannot take it!  I feel sick to my stomach, like I'm going to throw up.  Mostly I just keep forging ahead.  By forging ahead, I mean I get up in the morning, actually out of bed, and start my day.  Early in fact, 7a.m.  While I don't have a particular 9-5 job, I do have a job, several in fact. 
One of them is taking care of my four-year-old daughter, without completely breaking down in front of her.  Taking care of her means maintaining as much calm and routine as possible in an otherwise chaotic world.  She does not know that we were almost homeless due to the fact daddy walked out November 4th and took his paycheck with him.  That would be the paycheck from the business/partnership we built together.  While he did pay rent in Novemeber he did not pay Gas, Electric, Cable, phone, etc. any other household bills.  We had already paid last months rent when we moved in to the 3 bedroom house we had lived in for four years.  It was up to me to find a new house to live in by January, and still maintain some sort of serenity to my daughters' life.  It was up to me to pack all our belongings and move our whole house. It was up to me to take care of her birthday in November and Christmas in December.  It was up to me to deal with a whole bunch of issues I never saw coming.
I guess that's the hardest part.  I just didn't see this coming.  I was completely blind-sided. HARD. Obviously I knew we were fighting a lot, but I just didn't think I married the kind of guy that would just walk out.  There were signs of course.  Every few months accidentally coming across his profile on a singles website.  The email messages to other women telling them how fine they were. He always explained it away saying, it was just talk.  Giving out our address should have been a big red flag, but I chose to ignore it.  And that was a choice I made.  Looking back, I should have chose to start stashing cash.  But I didn't.  I was dumb.  The late night out with the fellas every weekend.  No time for wifey.  All clear signs. duh!
So here I am.  Sad, broke, and alone.  Wondering what the hell happened.  He says, "I'm a bitch."  My answer now is, "of course I am!"
Another minute has passed by since writing this blog.  I will chose not to let him win.  Over my dead body, he will not break me. I will get off this computer, clean my house til it sparkles, pick up my daughter from school, and cook a yummy gourmet meal, while drinking a glass of wine.  And while I do that, I will Thank God, that I do not have someone breathing down my neck, telling me how tired they are, or how they just want to be left alone, or how hard they had to work today, but 8pm they're gonna go out with the fellas, "to relieve some stress."  I will enjoy what's left of today in the calm peacefulness of my tiny little house, and pray tomorrow is a better day.

The purpose of this blog is not to get into a 'he said, she said'. Nor do I choose to get into the gory details of everything I have been put through. I'm writing because I cannot possibly be the only person who has gone through this type of pain, and found a way past it. I've read other books like, "Divorce Sucks" by Mary Jo Eustace, ex-wife of Dean Spelling (as in Tori Spelling). Divorce books are great, however, mostly written after the fact. This will be different as I plan to write as I go.

While intellectually I assume that I will get past the pain, emotionally I'm just not quite sure. Everyday is different. Every minute is different. Anything can set me off, into any type of reaction. One minute I may be crying my eyes out as I drive down the street. The next I may be cussing out the coffee shop girl who had the nerve to look at me cross-eyed. I just don't know what is going to happen next. I have been blind-sided, and this blog is for every women who didn't see it coming (Sandra Bullock). And for every man as well, who did right by his women, took care of her, loved her, and then found out later she was cheating with the gardener while he was at work. And then had the nerve to say, "Well you're never home."

This blog is for those of us who don't deserve what we have been put through. In fact, lets just say I was a drug-addicted street-walking prostitute. I STILL don't deserve what I've been put through. Yet somehow I have tolerated it. I'm going to write until I convince myself, and hopefully you, that 'this' is not o.k. Whatever your 'this' is, you deserve better. I deserve better.