Friday, May 7, 2010

Minute by minute

Every day is different, every minute in fact.  I started out writing this blog at the recommendation of my therapist.  She didn't say exactly, "go blog".  What she said was,  "it might be helpful to keep a journal."
Here is my journal.
  What I am finding out is that each day brings with it a new and different emotion.  Sometimes each minute. The past six months have been a whirlwind of emotions.  Sometimes just so strong I cannot take it!  I feel sick to my stomach, like I'm going to throw up.  Mostly I just keep forging ahead.  By forging ahead, I mean I get up in the morning, actually out of bed, and start my day.  Early in fact, 7a.m.  While I don't have a particular 9-5 job, I do have a job, several in fact. 
One of them is taking care of my four-year-old daughter, without completely breaking down in front of her.  Taking care of her means maintaining as much calm and routine as possible in an otherwise chaotic world.  She does not know that we were almost homeless due to the fact daddy walked out November 4th and took his paycheck with him.  That would be the paycheck from the business/partnership we built together.  While he did pay rent in Novemeber he did not pay Gas, Electric, Cable, phone, etc. any other household bills.  We had already paid last months rent when we moved in to the 3 bedroom house we had lived in for four years.  It was up to me to find a new house to live in by January, and still maintain some sort of serenity to my daughters' life.  It was up to me to pack all our belongings and move our whole house. It was up to me to take care of her birthday in November and Christmas in December.  It was up to me to deal with a whole bunch of issues I never saw coming.
I guess that's the hardest part.  I just didn't see this coming.  I was completely blind-sided. HARD. Obviously I knew we were fighting a lot, but I just didn't think I married the kind of guy that would just walk out.  There were signs of course.  Every few months accidentally coming across his profile on a singles website.  The email messages to other women telling them how fine they were. He always explained it away saying, it was just talk.  Giving out our address should have been a big red flag, but I chose to ignore it.  And that was a choice I made.  Looking back, I should have chose to start stashing cash.  But I didn't.  I was dumb.  The late night out with the fellas every weekend.  No time for wifey.  All clear signs. duh!
So here I am.  Sad, broke, and alone.  Wondering what the hell happened.  He says, "I'm a bitch."  My answer now is, "of course I am!"
Another minute has passed by since writing this blog.  I will chose not to let him win.  Over my dead body, he will not break me. I will get off this computer, clean my house til it sparkles, pick up my daughter from school, and cook a yummy gourmet meal, while drinking a glass of wine.  And while I do that, I will Thank God, that I do not have someone breathing down my neck, telling me how tired they are, or how they just want to be left alone, or how hard they had to work today, but 8pm they're gonna go out with the fellas, "to relieve some stress."  I will enjoy what's left of today in the calm peacefulness of my tiny little house, and pray tomorrow is a better day.

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