I have never really paid attention to my age. I have the mentality that 'age is just a number'. It's just never been an issue with me. I realize that other people do have issues with age. Some women feel the 'time clock ticking' some men feel 'they've past their prime'. I've never really gotten any of that. Other people have had an issue with my age. I never have.
For instance. When I met my husband, who happens to be nine years younger then me, many people asked, "how old is he?" When his mother met me, she asked, "how old is she?' When I got pregnant, I heard a lot, "a women your age..." I was always confused when I heard this. First of all, I was reminded how old I really am. For many years I have been telling those who asked, how old I FEEL. I Feel a certain age. I am numerically a different age then what I feel. Age is just a number.
The other day someone asked me, "How old are you?" For so many years I have been telling people how old I feel. At this point in life, I have decided to tell people how old I really am. First of all, they don't believe me. No one does. Maybe it's because I have been saying how old I feel for so many years, that I now project that out onto the universe. Maybe, it's because I look good. Maybe it's because I have been running everyday, maybe it's because I have a better body then most 20-year-olds. Maybe because, thanks to my fabulous doctors at the V.A, hospital, I get lazor treatment every 3 months on my face! Whatever the reason is, I don't look my age. I like having people tell me, "your kidding!."
However. Today. I feel my age. Actually this whole divorce thing has really made me take a hard look at where I am in my life. I should be taking vacations, and getting ready for retirement and owning my own home, and settling into 'the relaxing years' As old as that makes me sound. That's where I should be at this point in my life.
I did have a plan. My plan was to own a small business with my spouse, raise our baby girl, maybe expand our business to where we made enough money to build our dream home, and live happily ever after. Not the richest, but not poorest either. I am comfortable being a housewife, raising my kids. In fact I think it's the most important job a women can have. I don't need a 'career' to feel important. When I hear my daughter laugh so hard because I'm tickling her, or when I see she's learning to read, because I am reading to her, there is nothing that makes me feel more important. That's it.
Since my husband walked out. My whole focus has shifted to 'what am I to do', instead of pursuing goals. Now I find myself focusing on age. I heard the other day on the radio President Obama's age. I almost crashed my car. OMG! The frickin President of the United States is only a few years older then me? He's The President of The United States! I immediately burst into tears. I am a loser! It's officially official.
And so, while age is a just a number to some people. Today it means everything to me.