Yesterday morning started out as a beautiful Saturday morning. My young princess woke up lazy as she usually does. Stretching and yawning for about 20 minutes, before she actually gets out of bed. This Saturday morning, we were not rushed. I love those days! I crawled in bed with her, and we 'took time for snuggles'. This is very important, as during the week we are almost always rushing out the door.
So I cooked a delicious saturday morning breakfast, and she watched her morning cartoons, playing with her dolls, as I cleaned the house. I had her in my room in the back, because this Saturday I was working on her room. All of a sudden I hear this loud bang on my door. I peer out the window to see who it is, but I cant see from where I'm at. I go downstairs and ask, "who is it?'
To which my ex-husband (baby daddy) replies it is him. Now this is a guy that hasn't shown up in my daughter's life in over a year! A year! Then he just randomely shows up at my door? I freaked out! He has sent one or two emails to myself, and my father spewing about what a good father he is, and he wants to see his child. In my book, one email every 8 months does not make for a good father. In fact it makes for nothing. Doesn't even deserve a reply. It isn't even contingent on the fact that he hasn't payed any child support. The reality is, he missed his daughter's last birthday, and Christmas, didn't even call, nothing. He lives 30 minutes away, so there is just no excuse. His last email 3 months ago was about how he is such a good father and how I have changed my phone number several times, and blah blah blah. All total lies, so I didnt even respond.
Then he shows up at my door! I freaked out! Shows how unstable he really is. He can't just show up! This is where God comes in! GOD IS SO GOOD! The ex could have parked in guest parking, two spaces over. But instead of doing that, he parks in my parking stall, backed in, facing my door! Total intimidation tactic. He starts banging on the door, yelling for his daughter. Another bullying tactic. What? He thinks I'm just going to open the door? No! I call the police. Police come out. They tell him he has to work it out in court. Right! Just like I have to work out in court the fact that there is a child support order but he is STILL not paying! I agree with the cops, let him go to court, just like I have to. In the meantime, he cant show up after a year, and expect me to send my 6 year old out the door.
The cops are about to send him away. But first they run his name. UH OH! Turns out he has two warrants! Oh yea, and that raggedy car you parked in my spot, tags have been expired for a year! Guess that goes too! Tow truck showed up right behind the patty wagon!
Thank You Lord, for your wonderful sense of humor!
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Doing me
Much has happened since the last time i blogged. The ex has come crying back professing his undying love. Yea right. A year in therapy, practically homeless if not for the grace of God, having to start over, and all the other b.s. i've gone through has taught me something.
First & foremost. Actions speak louder then words. Duh....Im sad to say that i have fell for that song and dance a few times before. Some men know all the right things to say. Others know all the right things to do. Ill be paying attention to the 'do gooders' from here on out.
On a personal note. Im better. I no longer have days that i feel like im breaking down. I do have sad days where im sad for the husband that i truly loved is gone. Its terrible. But that man i fell in love with is no longer that man. Whoever, whatever, he turned into, is not what i want. This year has been a year of tremendous
Growth & spiritual growth. One thing for sure is without God i am nothing. I have made it through the worst of the worst. I feel like being homeless because husband walked out & emptied bank accounts & left me & daughter on our own is about as bad as it gets. From here there is no where to go but up.
With that said i am moving forward. Some days are easier then others. Most days are really good.
Financially still no court date, or lawyer to help, & i still struggle. But i know its not forever, & God is going to take care of me. I know this because i pray every day & every night & most of the day throughout the day.
So for some people a year seems like a long time. For me it does. I'm hopeful that one day i will look back on this all & laugh. In the meantime i will keep praying. I hope u do too!
First & foremost. Actions speak louder then words. Duh....Im sad to say that i have fell for that song and dance a few times before. Some men know all the right things to say. Others know all the right things to do. Ill be paying attention to the 'do gooders' from here on out.
On a personal note. Im better. I no longer have days that i feel like im breaking down. I do have sad days where im sad for the husband that i truly loved is gone. Its terrible. But that man i fell in love with is no longer that man. Whoever, whatever, he turned into, is not what i want. This year has been a year of tremendous
Growth & spiritual growth. One thing for sure is without God i am nothing. I have made it through the worst of the worst. I feel like being homeless because husband walked out & emptied bank accounts & left me & daughter on our own is about as bad as it gets. From here there is no where to go but up.
With that said i am moving forward. Some days are easier then others. Most days are really good.
Financially still no court date, or lawyer to help, & i still struggle. But i know its not forever, & God is going to take care of me. I know this because i pray every day & every night & most of the day throughout the day.
So for some people a year seems like a long time. For me it does. I'm hopeful that one day i will look back on this all & laugh. In the meantime i will keep praying. I hope u do too!
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Monday, June 14, 2010
OOPS... I DID IT AGAIN!
For the first time in three weeks I had a day off, sort of. Baby daddy finally decided to see his daughter. I worked Saturday night (Thank You God) so that really wasn't a day off. I guess officially, I had a few hours to myself Sunday.
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money. Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive. Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful. That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes. Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day. Thankfully I worked Saturday night. Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would. So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts. My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend. My event went late, so I just drove home. I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself. When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy. I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision. As I said, every penny goes to paying bills. So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly. DO I have the $20.00 to spend? Probably not. Will I have enough gas money for the week? - Bills are due.- Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" - Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going. All before 9am! I finally decide to just get up and do it. THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities. But I deserve this. I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself. Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure. It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens? That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out! She looks at me stunned. I know she thinks she hurt me or something. I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me. It's quite a sight. I can't stop crying. Again! fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks. I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good. She had brand new chairs and they were awesome! I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done! I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH. I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through. Enough crying already! Yeah this s*** is sad. So I'll give myself permission to be sad. Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through. That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money. He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it. How is that fair? He didn't even have a checking account before he met me. He can't even get a checking account now! How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add. And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share. And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case. But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)
*If you like what you read, please comment (click on envelope below), subscribe, by clicking pencil below, or follow by clicking on 'follow' button to right.*
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money. Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive. Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful. That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes. Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day. Thankfully I worked Saturday night. Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would. So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts. My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend. My event went late, so I just drove home. I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself. When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy. I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision. As I said, every penny goes to paying bills. So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly. DO I have the $20.00 to spend? Probably not. Will I have enough gas money for the week? - Bills are due.- Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" - Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going. All before 9am! I finally decide to just get up and do it. THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities. But I deserve this. I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself. Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure. It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens? That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out! She looks at me stunned. I know she thinks she hurt me or something. I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me. It's quite a sight. I can't stop crying. Again! fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks. I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good. She had brand new chairs and they were awesome! I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done! I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH. I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through. Enough crying already! Yeah this s*** is sad. So I'll give myself permission to be sad. Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through. That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money. He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it. How is that fair? He didn't even have a checking account before he met me. He can't even get a checking account now! How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add. And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share. And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case. But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)
*If you like what you read, please comment (click on envelope below), subscribe, by clicking pencil below, or follow by clicking on 'follow' button to right.*
Saturday, June 12, 2010
What we write - What people read
I wrote about how I'm in a depressed funk, and then next day I got a whole bunch of spam mail about depression! 'Here, take this pill, it cures depression'. I guess the spam mail didn't read my blog! I clearly stated I don't believe in taking pills. It's a personnel choice.
I wrote Kim Vs. Countess from Atlanta housewife's and N.Y. Housewife's. Funny how everyone bagged on Kim about how she couldn't sing, but no one is even mentioning to the 'Countess' that she can't even come close to carrying a tune. It's laughable really. I sit on the edge of my bed, just waiting for someone to say, Sorry, Countess, but you really cannot sing." Yet NO ONE does. They keep addressing her as 'Countess' and telling her how fabulous she is. She is fabulous, but she CANNOT sing. There I said it! Lots of people had a comment regarding my housewife's post. Yet NO ONE seemed to care about the post below:
http://www.military.com/news/article/policeman-shoots-unarmed-marine-13-times.html.
POLICEMAN SHOOTS UNARMED MAN 13 times.
The above link was sent to me via www.military.com. As a veteran, I subscribe. This is the most horrific article I have ever read! I posted this on my facebook news feed, yet no one made not ONE comment!. I then looked for it this morning and somehow it was taken down. And not by me. I couldn't find it anywhere. hmmmm. FYI. I don't even live in Maryland where the incident took place. Nor do I know the family. I posted it because stories like these, involving police officers somehow seem to get buried. Disappear. Like my facebook post.
I started out blogging about how I'M so tired of being depressed. Then I read a story about a Marine, shot by policeman 13 times, at a club, after doing a tour in Iraq, cuz the marine made a comment to the cop's women. And I have the nerve to be depressed. There is so much more going on then me!
Today, I will shake off whatever bad mood I'm in. Pray that I and my children are alive, and Thank God for every moment I have. Even the rough ones!
I wrote Kim Vs. Countess from Atlanta housewife's and N.Y. Housewife's. Funny how everyone bagged on Kim about how she couldn't sing, but no one is even mentioning to the 'Countess' that she can't even come close to carrying a tune. It's laughable really. I sit on the edge of my bed, just waiting for someone to say, Sorry, Countess, but you really cannot sing." Yet NO ONE does. They keep addressing her as 'Countess' and telling her how fabulous she is. She is fabulous, but she CANNOT sing. There I said it! Lots of people had a comment regarding my housewife's post. Yet NO ONE seemed to care about the post below:
http://www.military.com/news/article/policeman-shoots-unarmed-marine-13-times.html.
POLICEMAN SHOOTS UNARMED MAN 13 times.
The above link was sent to me via www.military.com. As a veteran, I subscribe. This is the most horrific article I have ever read! I posted this on my facebook news feed, yet no one made not ONE comment!. I then looked for it this morning and somehow it was taken down. And not by me. I couldn't find it anywhere. hmmmm. FYI. I don't even live in Maryland where the incident took place. Nor do I know the family. I posted it because stories like these, involving police officers somehow seem to get buried. Disappear. Like my facebook post.
I started out blogging about how I'M so tired of being depressed. Then I read a story about a Marine, shot by policeman 13 times, at a club, after doing a tour in Iraq, cuz the marine made a comment to the cop's women. And I have the nerve to be depressed. There is so much more going on then me!
Today, I will shake off whatever bad mood I'm in. Pray that I and my children are alive, and Thank God for every moment I have. Even the rough ones!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Depression is Depressing
Depression is Depressing! Honestly, How do people that have this disease function? I've been depressed for several months now and I just cant take it anymore! I'm so tired of being depressed! I have no energy. I can barely get out of bed. I force myself to get out of bed! It takes a great deal of will on a regular basis to actually get up and do things. I have a long list of things I need to take care of everyday. Yet I am so depressed, I can barely do them. Life functioning things-things that if I don't do there are going to major problems. I'm not talking about things like washing my hair, or getting my nails done. I'm talking about survival! Yet, still, I'm so depressed I can barely do what I have to do in order to survive. This sucks!
I cry at any given moment. Like right now. I'm crying! ridiculous! I'm sad and depressed and crying because I know I have so many things things to take care of and I just don't know if I can do them. Things like keeping food in the refrigerator, keeping my lights and gas on....etc etc. Yet I sit here and cry! Depressing! Shit!
I hear and read that there are things you can do to get of a depressed state of mind. Oh really? Like go for a run? Yeah, I tried that. I've tried that on several occasions. You know what happens to me? When I start running, I start REALLY balling my eyes out. Like crying so hard, I can't see where I'm going! I get an hour to exercise and it's so quite and peaceful and then I start thinking about all the crap I've been through in the last 7 months and I really just start sobbing uncontrollably. Or I run by all the beautiful houses near my tiny little apartment and I really start crying, because of course, I should have all of that if not for the circumstances that have left me with nothing, which we won't get into because if we do, I won't finish this blog. I'll be too depressed. So no, exercise does not do it for me.
Eat some ice cream. No not that either, that doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse. I don't even love ice cream and if I eat snacks or crap that's not good for me, I just feel fat after and that makes me more depressed.
Take a pill. I've never been good at taking pills. Hence, my four year old daughter! Plus- pills for depression, I've heard makes you feel nothing and lethargic. I need energy to take care of stuff not a pill that will make my head fuzzy.
Crap!
I guess I'll just ride it out.
I cry at any given moment. Like right now. I'm crying! ridiculous! I'm sad and depressed and crying because I know I have so many things things to take care of and I just don't know if I can do them. Things like keeping food in the refrigerator, keeping my lights and gas on....etc etc. Yet I sit here and cry! Depressing! Shit!
I hear and read that there are things you can do to get of a depressed state of mind. Oh really? Like go for a run? Yeah, I tried that. I've tried that on several occasions. You know what happens to me? When I start running, I start REALLY balling my eyes out. Like crying so hard, I can't see where I'm going! I get an hour to exercise and it's so quite and peaceful and then I start thinking about all the crap I've been through in the last 7 months and I really just start sobbing uncontrollably. Or I run by all the beautiful houses near my tiny little apartment and I really start crying, because of course, I should have all of that if not for the circumstances that have left me with nothing, which we won't get into because if we do, I won't finish this blog. I'll be too depressed. So no, exercise does not do it for me.
Eat some ice cream. No not that either, that doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse. I don't even love ice cream and if I eat snacks or crap that's not good for me, I just feel fat after and that makes me more depressed.
Take a pill. I've never been good at taking pills. Hence, my four year old daughter! Plus- pills for depression, I've heard makes you feel nothing and lethargic. I need energy to take care of stuff not a pill that will make my head fuzzy.
Crap!
I guess I'll just ride it out.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The purpose of this blog is not to get into a 'he said, she said'. Nor do I choose to get into the gory details of everything I have been put through. I'm writing because I cannot possibly be the only person who has gone through this type of pain, and found a way past it. I've read other books like, "Divorce Sucks" by Mary Jo Eustace, ex-wife of Dean Spelling (as in Tori Spelling). Divorce books are great, however, mostly written after the fact. This will be different as I plan to write as I go.
While intellectually I assume that I will get past the pain, emotionally I'm just not quite sure. Everyday is different. Every minute is different. Anything can set me off, into any type of reaction. One minute I may be crying my eyes out as I drive down the street. The next I may be cussing out the coffee shop girl who had the nerve to look at me cross-eyed. I just don't know what is going to happen next. I have been blind-sided, and this blog is for every women who didn't see it coming (Sandra Bullock). And for every man as well, who did right by his women, took care of her, loved her, and then found out later she was cheating with the gardener while he was at work. And then had the nerve to say, "Well you're never home."
This blog is for those of us who don't deserve what we have been put through. In fact, lets just say I was a drug-addicted street-walking prostitute. I STILL don't deserve what I've been put through. Yet somehow I have tolerated it. I'm going to write until I convince myself, and hopefully you, that 'this' is not o.k. Whatever your 'this' is, you deserve better. I deserve better.
While intellectually I assume that I will get past the pain, emotionally I'm just not quite sure. Everyday is different. Every minute is different. Anything can set me off, into any type of reaction. One minute I may be crying my eyes out as I drive down the street. The next I may be cussing out the coffee shop girl who had the nerve to look at me cross-eyed. I just don't know what is going to happen next. I have been blind-sided, and this blog is for every women who didn't see it coming (Sandra Bullock). And for every man as well, who did right by his women, took care of her, loved her, and then found out later she was cheating with the gardener while he was at work. And then had the nerve to say, "Well you're never home."
This blog is for those of us who don't deserve what we have been put through. In fact, lets just say I was a drug-addicted street-walking prostitute. I STILL don't deserve what I've been put through. Yet somehow I have tolerated it. I'm going to write until I convince myself, and hopefully you, that 'this' is not o.k. Whatever your 'this' is, you deserve better. I deserve better.
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