I started out this blog as a journal type thing, hoping that in the process I would reach others that may be going through the same type of thing I am. With the advice of some friends, I moved to not so much telling my story, but offering advice. What a joke that is. My purpose of offering advice was perhaps to reach more readers. I now know that I am hardly the person to be giving advice. I am no 'Dr. Laura'. What works for me, may not work for you.
So I am back to telling my story. This time really real. I withheld information to protect who? Not me? I really cant tell my story without telling the WHOLE story.
Some things have happened in the past month that really change the equation. Good or Bad, Im not sure which. I just know that its time for me to tell my story, and hopefully reach other women that are going through the same thing. Maybe they will get something out of it. Hopefully, at the very least, A laugh.
It's been 11 months since my husband walked out the door leaving myself and my daughter high and dry. He literally walked out. It took me roughly about three months to figure out he wasn't coming back. Three months of endless sleepless nights. Three months of crying non-stop, three months of letting him come back for a night, or a couple of hours, three months of accepting full blame and believing if I was only a better person he would come back. Three months of not eating. Three months of HELL. And it didn't stop there...
At the end of three months I figured out very quickly, "oh crap. I'm about to be homeless." You see when the husband left, he took all of the money from the business that I STARTED with him. Yes, he paid support for a few months, but not nearly half of what the business brought in, and certainly less then what I deserved. I was happy that he was paying something, I just wanted him back,. I didn't make a stink. I just accepted what he said he was going to pay for support and begged him to come home.
WOW! That's so crazy just writing that! Im 11 months down the road now. Things are much different. I would say from about 3 to 9 months I pulled myself up from my bootstraps, became the gansta that I am, and made things happen. I mean I was really on one! I worked like a dog. I called everyone I knew. I found out where to get assistance. I called homeless shelters. I went to food banks. I called the bank everyday and begged them not to take my car! I mean, things were really rough for a long time. My husband (lets just refer to him as the 'Pig' from now on.) The Pig paid child support & my car payment from Novemember until June. As he should. Still not half of what the business I STARTED was making. Less then a third actually. But I was ok with the car payment and support. And I accepted it. Then in June he decided not to pay my car payment. As a matter of fact he told me the day the car payment was due, that he wasn't going to pay. Hence all the phone calls. Calling the bank, homeless shelters ( I could no longer afford rent) DPSS...I mean the list is endless and I spent most of my days trying to figure out how to live. No time to be sad or depressed, or even hope he was coming back.
During this time of going through life like a freaking tornado, a women on a mission, the mission of survival. I really didnt have time to cry or wallow in self pity. There was no time for that. I gave myself a year to get it together. I'm now at 11 months.
I have a new house now. A beautiful house. A house that I feel is a gift from God. I feel so special getting presents from God. A house I can afford, in a beautiful neighborhood. All those phone calls paid off. I have a job too. It pays the bills. Thats a good thing. Im sure a better job will come along as soon as I am more settled. Right now, Im not even looking. Heres the point Im getting too:
I cant believe I ever wanted this loser back! Honestly! What the hell was I thinking???? I dont know what happened to the guy I married. But this ain't the guy. Oh I do know what happened, but Ill save that for another blog.
None of which is my problem now. I will move on. I can tell you some days really really suck. Some days I laugh my a** off. Some days I just love being a mom, and some days, I wish I could crawl in bed all day and not get out. Some days, I'd like to suck down some tequila. Some days I want to go out dancing but can't because I have no babysitter. Some days, I feel really sorry for myself. This is shit is just ridiculous!
I will pass on the only lesson I know works for sure. There may come other lessons later. This is what I know today. It's ok to cry. Its ok to put on your pj's and crawl in bed and cry. Especially if its raining. It's ok to laugh too. Its ok whatever it is you are doing. Your right there where your supposed to be.