My friend, who I haven't spoken to in a couple of weeks called me yesterday to ask me how I'm doing. Well...Let's see, I have a job I hate and don't make enough money at. I have a older son who is mentally ill and walks around talking to himself all day! I have another son who just discharged from the Army, has been sitting at home all day and NOT applying for jobs. I have a beautiful daughter who is young and impressionable, who I am raising all by myself.
So how am I doing? I am so grateful! I feel so completely blessed! I know I don't have the 'perfect' family. Most people in my family are crazy, some more then others, and I am including myself! I know Im not perfect and I am o.k. with that. I pray my older son will get better soon because this is not the life I want for him, nor do I believe it is the life God wants for him. I pray my younger son will get some motivation and go get a job. I pray my daughter will live an abundant life full of hope and joys and dreams full-filled. I pray for myself that I will continue to have strength to raise these kids and be happy doing it! I pray the stress of life won't get me down.
I know what it is like to have nothing. Literally. I know what it is like to have your kid missing and go in search of him, handing out posters and asking, 'have you seen him' I know what it is like to go without dinner so your daughter can eat. I know what it is like to go days without sleep, so filled with worry and angst.
I don't have to do any of that today. I don't know about tomorrow, but I do know about today. My God is a God of suddenly's and suddenly it can all change. So today I am walking in blind faith and gratefulness to be where I am. Only through the grace of God. Literally.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Monday, September 6, 2010
THE FORGETTING DISEASE
The forgetting disease is plain and simple. It's the disease that will make you forget your past mistakes over and over again.
I have it. My mother has it, my best friend has it, and I dare say 90% of women definitely have it it too! Men don't often carry the forgetting disease. They seem to be immune.
Thankfully there is a cure. I am recovering at this very moment form the forgetting disease. If you have never heard of the disease, much less a remedy for it, I am here to tell you there is one.
The forgetting disease is where all the little things your significant other has done to you is quickly forgotten. For instance, maybe you were out with your significant other, and he kept staring and staring and another women. So much so, that really you got upset. You maybe were standing there screaming, "helllllooooo' and he sill completely ignores you. Maybe it even caused a huge fight.. He insists that he wasn't staring at another women and you wonder if it's possible at all that he actually wasn't and you are crazy like he says.
But you fight and make up and then you 'forget' all about it. Until years down the road....
When you find him on the Internet, staring, or worse, at other women over and over, and then you remember about that one, or two incidents that you forgot all about. It dawns on you that the signs were all there. You just chose to 'forget.'
In the past there have been so many little things that I have chosen to forget all about. However, I realize that the forgetting disease could very well be the death of me. It's so important that I remember. If I don't remember I could quite possibly fall into the same trap that got me in this mess to begin with. Like many others, I fell for a smooth talker. When I say smooth talker, I mean smooth talker. Instead of taking care of me and making sure I had a job that I got paid well for, I fell for the, 'let's build our dream together." Only it wasn't our dream, it was his dream. I thought it was our dream. I forgot I had my own dreams.
So, in order to have healthy recovery from the forgetting disease, I have taken certain steps to ensure no further relapse. I take notes! I take a lot of notes. I save all the crazy text messages, emails, and voice mails. One day they are professing undying love, the next calling me every name in the book. I keep these emails for one reason and one reason only. 'The Forgetting Disease!'
Some may say it is bad energy to keep these negative messages. I believe some of this is true. I don't read them, or re-read them, only in times of desperate need. It's like drinking a tall glass of fresh squeezed Orange juice for the common cold. I immediately feel better.As I recover from the forgetting disease, and the ex starts to come around, He sniffs around me like a dog in heat. The moment I start to get back on my feet. It's like some bizarre instinct he has, anyway, the moment I start to do well, and he starts smooth talking me. That's when I whip out my notes! emails, texts, whatever. It's an immediate cure of the forgetting disease. Damn! He's really done some terrible things!
My therapist recommends a journal, I recommend saving stuff. Whatever works for you, please do it. I don't say this to discourage any kind of forgiveness. Forgiveness is important. For you and the person you are forgiving. I'm not sure if I forgive the ex yet. Hopefully I'll get to that place one day. But in the meantime, I do not want to have the forgetting disease. Stayng disease free keeps me strong and able to achieve my own dreams, my own goals, and my own happiness.
I have it. My mother has it, my best friend has it, and I dare say 90% of women definitely have it it too! Men don't often carry the forgetting disease. They seem to be immune.
Thankfully there is a cure. I am recovering at this very moment form the forgetting disease. If you have never heard of the disease, much less a remedy for it, I am here to tell you there is one.
The forgetting disease is where all the little things your significant other has done to you is quickly forgotten. For instance, maybe you were out with your significant other, and he kept staring and staring and another women. So much so, that really you got upset. You maybe were standing there screaming, "helllllooooo' and he sill completely ignores you. Maybe it even caused a huge fight.. He insists that he wasn't staring at another women and you wonder if it's possible at all that he actually wasn't and you are crazy like he says.
But you fight and make up and then you 'forget' all about it. Until years down the road....
When you find him on the Internet, staring, or worse, at other women over and over, and then you remember about that one, or two incidents that you forgot all about. It dawns on you that the signs were all there. You just chose to 'forget.'
In the past there have been so many little things that I have chosen to forget all about. However, I realize that the forgetting disease could very well be the death of me. It's so important that I remember. If I don't remember I could quite possibly fall into the same trap that got me in this mess to begin with. Like many others, I fell for a smooth talker. When I say smooth talker, I mean smooth talker. Instead of taking care of me and making sure I had a job that I got paid well for, I fell for the, 'let's build our dream together." Only it wasn't our dream, it was his dream. I thought it was our dream. I forgot I had my own dreams.
So, in order to have healthy recovery from the forgetting disease, I have taken certain steps to ensure no further relapse. I take notes! I take a lot of notes. I save all the crazy text messages, emails, and voice mails. One day they are professing undying love, the next calling me every name in the book. I keep these emails for one reason and one reason only. 'The Forgetting Disease!'
Some may say it is bad energy to keep these negative messages. I believe some of this is true. I don't read them, or re-read them, only in times of desperate need. It's like drinking a tall glass of fresh squeezed Orange juice for the common cold. I immediately feel better.As I recover from the forgetting disease, and the ex starts to come around, He sniffs around me like a dog in heat. The moment I start to get back on my feet. It's like some bizarre instinct he has, anyway, the moment I start to do well, and he starts smooth talking me. That's when I whip out my notes! emails, texts, whatever. It's an immediate cure of the forgetting disease. Damn! He's really done some terrible things!
My therapist recommends a journal, I recommend saving stuff. Whatever works for you, please do it. I don't say this to discourage any kind of forgiveness. Forgiveness is important. For you and the person you are forgiving. I'm not sure if I forgive the ex yet. Hopefully I'll get to that place one day. But in the meantime, I do not want to have the forgetting disease. Stayng disease free keeps me strong and able to achieve my own dreams, my own goals, and my own happiness.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
LESSON 3
There is no title for Lesson 3. It is what it is. YOU MUST PUT YOURSELF FIRST! Above all else, make sure that you have the things you need. Make sure that YOU are taken care of. God will help, or show you the way, or send you an angel, but it is up to you to step up and recognize, and take care of yourself.
What I mean by that is this; If your like me, there are days when you just feel like laying in bed and dying. I don't care if your a man or women. There are days when it's difficult to get out of bed. But you must. You must get up and take care of yourself or you are no good to anyone around you. I have found that just a simple thing like straightening my hair makes me feel better. This is no easy feat. It takes a good hour and a half to straighten my hair and it's a pain in the ass, but it's part of taking care of myself. Give yourself a clean shave (men), paint your nails, do your hair, put on make up. Even if your not going anywhere.
Then go somewhere.
I have become a master at finding bargains and deals, shopping for little to no money, & finding free excursions. I will get into all that in a later lesson. This lesson is about taking care of you. It's so important to take care of yourself. In difficult times we tend to be too depressed to take care of us. The basic needs of the kids, or work, is about all we can handle. "Fake it til you make it." That's the motto I have adopted. Pretend. Act 'as if'. As if your life is perfect, as if your wealthy & beautiful, as if you don't have a care in the world. Act 'as if.'.
Last week I had to stalk my ex to get a child support check. By stalking I mean I had to drive to his job and sit outside and wait for him to show up to pick up his pay. When he finally did show up he came to my car window and gave me this super sad face, and 'whoa is me' tale about how he got a ticket and forgot to show up in court, and how they are going to take his license if he doesn't pay it, and that's why he can't give me child support. I swear I even saw a tear.
I'm so embarrassed to admit it, but I actually felt sorry for him. I actually picked up my phone to call my sister and tell her the money that I borrowed from her so I could TAKE CARE OF ME, (& baby gurl) I wouldn't be able to pay back this week. Instead of my sisters' number pulling up, magically my phone scrolled to the text messages I had save from my crazy ex. You know the ones. That's where the person who once loved you and swore you where the best thing that ever happened to him, sends you texts calling you a whore and many other choice expletives. I saved those texts, just in case I need them to prove to the court that he actually is crazy. Magically those texts reappeared just when I was feeling so for him. Funny how that works.
So I read all of them. And then I marched my perfect little ass, you know, the one he'll never get to touch again, right on down to the courthouse. I stood in line for two hours. The whole time re-reading every text and plotting and planning on how I would take him for every penny he has! Let him be homeless on the street. Not me. Not my daughter. Time to take care of me! I'm going to make sure that I have everything I need. Food on the table, roof over my head, hair done, nails done, and looking as good as I possibly can!
And guess what. I FEEL Better.
I don't have money for an attorney. But there are tons of Legal Aid foundations that are out there and will help you fill out paperwork. In fact, they will tell you what forms you need, and then each form has instructions. So as long as you can read, YOU can file for child support and spousal support! And if you can't read, there are programs for that too. Check your local library.
I have been back and forth to legal aid about 20 times, no exaggeration. I fill out the forms, then I bring them to have an attorney intern look at them, then they tell me what to correct, then I correct, then I bring them back again. And I do it over and over again until I have it right. If your really nice, people will help you. There is no reason to suffer, or let your kids suffer. You know what else I learned? I don't have any money for an attorney because my crazy ex stole it all. But he has money. And the judge will order him to pay attorney fees! hah! And he can't just stop working so he doesn't have to pay child support. There are laws against that too!
So, Ladies and gentleman. Time to take care of yourself. Get up and make yourself look cute, (or handsome) do whatever makes you feel your best, and you know what that is. Do it clean and sober. After your done, make sure you and your kids have what they need. If that means 'show no mercy.' then 'show no mercy.' Everyone is a child of God, and it will all work out as it should. Don't let anyone sucker you into believing they are more important, or somehow you don't deserve to be taken care of. You do deserve it.
What I mean by that is this; If your like me, there are days when you just feel like laying in bed and dying. I don't care if your a man or women. There are days when it's difficult to get out of bed. But you must. You must get up and take care of yourself or you are no good to anyone around you. I have found that just a simple thing like straightening my hair makes me feel better. This is no easy feat. It takes a good hour and a half to straighten my hair and it's a pain in the ass, but it's part of taking care of myself. Give yourself a clean shave (men), paint your nails, do your hair, put on make up. Even if your not going anywhere.
Then go somewhere.
I have become a master at finding bargains and deals, shopping for little to no money, & finding free excursions. I will get into all that in a later lesson. This lesson is about taking care of you. It's so important to take care of yourself. In difficult times we tend to be too depressed to take care of us. The basic needs of the kids, or work, is about all we can handle. "Fake it til you make it." That's the motto I have adopted. Pretend. Act 'as if'. As if your life is perfect, as if your wealthy & beautiful, as if you don't have a care in the world. Act 'as if.'.
Last week I had to stalk my ex to get a child support check. By stalking I mean I had to drive to his job and sit outside and wait for him to show up to pick up his pay. When he finally did show up he came to my car window and gave me this super sad face, and 'whoa is me' tale about how he got a ticket and forgot to show up in court, and how they are going to take his license if he doesn't pay it, and that's why he can't give me child support. I swear I even saw a tear.
I'm so embarrassed to admit it, but I actually felt sorry for him. I actually picked up my phone to call my sister and tell her the money that I borrowed from her so I could TAKE CARE OF ME, (& baby gurl) I wouldn't be able to pay back this week. Instead of my sisters' number pulling up, magically my phone scrolled to the text messages I had save from my crazy ex. You know the ones. That's where the person who once loved you and swore you where the best thing that ever happened to him, sends you texts calling you a whore and many other choice expletives. I saved those texts, just in case I need them to prove to the court that he actually is crazy. Magically those texts reappeared just when I was feeling so for him. Funny how that works.
So I read all of them. And then I marched my perfect little ass, you know, the one he'll never get to touch again, right on down to the courthouse. I stood in line for two hours. The whole time re-reading every text and plotting and planning on how I would take him for every penny he has! Let him be homeless on the street. Not me. Not my daughter. Time to take care of me! I'm going to make sure that I have everything I need. Food on the table, roof over my head, hair done, nails done, and looking as good as I possibly can!
And guess what. I FEEL Better.
I don't have money for an attorney. But there are tons of Legal Aid foundations that are out there and will help you fill out paperwork. In fact, they will tell you what forms you need, and then each form has instructions. So as long as you can read, YOU can file for child support and spousal support! And if you can't read, there are programs for that too. Check your local library.
I have been back and forth to legal aid about 20 times, no exaggeration. I fill out the forms, then I bring them to have an attorney intern look at them, then they tell me what to correct, then I correct, then I bring them back again. And I do it over and over again until I have it right. If your really nice, people will help you. There is no reason to suffer, or let your kids suffer. You know what else I learned? I don't have any money for an attorney because my crazy ex stole it all. But he has money. And the judge will order him to pay attorney fees! hah! And he can't just stop working so he doesn't have to pay child support. There are laws against that too!
So, Ladies and gentleman. Time to take care of yourself. Get up and make yourself look cute, (or handsome) do whatever makes you feel your best, and you know what that is. Do it clean and sober. After your done, make sure you and your kids have what they need. If that means 'show no mercy.' then 'show no mercy.' Everyone is a child of God, and it will all work out as it should. Don't let anyone sucker you into believing they are more important, or somehow you don't deserve to be taken care of. You do deserve it.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
GETTING OUT OF BED
I started out this morning praying to God to just get me out of bed. Please God, just let me get out of bed and do one thing that I need to do today. It's really not as easy as it sounds. I'd much prefer to lay in bed, cry, eat, and do nothing. It takes a lot of effort to just get up. If I did not have a four year old daughter, I know for sure, I would not get up.
Sometimes I think about that. If I didn't have my daughter would I ever get out of bed? Maybe I would just lay there forever until the smell coming from my apartment would have the neighbors call the police. For real. Of course, first I would eat everything, which is about two weeks worth of food. But after the food was gone, what then? Would I get out of bed? Nope. I don't think so. I wouldn't feel like going to the store, or taking a shower, or getting dressed. Getting dressed is such an effort! Geez, I'd like to look cute, because after all I am single again, but really, who can look cute with big puffy eyes. Or..I start out with good intentions and manage to put myself slightly together. But because I ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat, or for any unknown reason, what difference does it make? I should probably just stay in sweats. I will at least be comfortable.
I wonder if anyone would even check on me. I doubt it. I have teenagers. That says it all. They would never notice I wasn't around. No one on my ex's side of the family checks on me, and my family stopped long ago. My crazy ex called all my friends and told them I was crazy, so now they just wanna steer clear until the tornado blows over.
HOWEVER, as I said, I started out praying to God, to just get me out of bed today and let me do one thing. Instead of one thing, many things have happened. I've been calling all around the state of California and the city I live in, and calling the Veteran's administration and everywhere else I can think of, because the bottom line is, I went from running a business I didn't get paid for, to really having no income at all. Before the money just went back into the house. I've gone through all my savings and will be broker then broke in about one minute. Thus I've been taking serious preventive action.
Believe it or not, after months of taking preventive action my hard work has started to pay off. There are some options! Thank you God. Best news I've had all day! All week, or all month. While I do not have specific monetary support, or specific housing information, or specifically knowing where my next meal will come from, or how I will make my car payment. I do have HOPE. So I HAVE gotten very far today. And Thank You God for getting me out of bed!
Sometimes I think about that. If I didn't have my daughter would I ever get out of bed? Maybe I would just lay there forever until the smell coming from my apartment would have the neighbors call the police. For real. Of course, first I would eat everything, which is about two weeks worth of food. But after the food was gone, what then? Would I get out of bed? Nope. I don't think so. I wouldn't feel like going to the store, or taking a shower, or getting dressed. Getting dressed is such an effort! Geez, I'd like to look cute, because after all I am single again, but really, who can look cute with big puffy eyes. Or..I start out with good intentions and manage to put myself slightly together. But because I ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat, or for any unknown reason, what difference does it make? I should probably just stay in sweats. I will at least be comfortable.
I wonder if anyone would even check on me. I doubt it. I have teenagers. That says it all. They would never notice I wasn't around. No one on my ex's side of the family checks on me, and my family stopped long ago. My crazy ex called all my friends and told them I was crazy, so now they just wanna steer clear until the tornado blows over.
HOWEVER, as I said, I started out praying to God, to just get me out of bed today and let me do one thing. Instead of one thing, many things have happened. I've been calling all around the state of California and the city I live in, and calling the Veteran's administration and everywhere else I can think of, because the bottom line is, I went from running a business I didn't get paid for, to really having no income at all. Before the money just went back into the house. I've gone through all my savings and will be broker then broke in about one minute. Thus I've been taking serious preventive action.
Believe it or not, after months of taking preventive action my hard work has started to pay off. There are some options! Thank you God. Best news I've had all day! All week, or all month. While I do not have specific monetary support, or specific housing information, or specifically knowing where my next meal will come from, or how I will make my car payment. I do have HOPE. So I HAVE gotten very far today. And Thank You God for getting me out of bed!
Monday, June 14, 2010
OOPS... I DID IT AGAIN!
For the first time in three weeks I had a day off, sort of. Baby daddy finally decided to see his daughter. I worked Saturday night (Thank You God) so that really wasn't a day off. I guess officially, I had a few hours to myself Sunday.
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money. Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive. Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful. That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes. Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day. Thankfully I worked Saturday night. Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would. So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts. My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend. My event went late, so I just drove home. I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself. When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy. I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision. As I said, every penny goes to paying bills. So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly. DO I have the $20.00 to spend? Probably not. Will I have enough gas money for the week? - Bills are due.- Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" - Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going. All before 9am! I finally decide to just get up and do it. THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities. But I deserve this. I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself. Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure. It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens? That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out! She looks at me stunned. I know she thinks she hurt me or something. I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me. It's quite a sight. I can't stop crying. Again! fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks. I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good. She had brand new chairs and they were awesome! I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done! I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH. I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through. Enough crying already! Yeah this s*** is sad. So I'll give myself permission to be sad. Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through. That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money. He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it. How is that fair? He didn't even have a checking account before he met me. He can't even get a checking account now! How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add. And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share. And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case. But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)
*If you like what you read, please comment (click on envelope below), subscribe, by clicking pencil below, or follow by clicking on 'follow' button to right.*
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money. Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive. Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful. That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes. Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day. Thankfully I worked Saturday night. Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would. So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts. My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend. My event went late, so I just drove home. I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself. When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy. I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision. As I said, every penny goes to paying bills. So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly. DO I have the $20.00 to spend? Probably not. Will I have enough gas money for the week? - Bills are due.- Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" - Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going. All before 9am! I finally decide to just get up and do it. THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities. But I deserve this. I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself. Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure. It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens? That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out! She looks at me stunned. I know she thinks she hurt me or something. I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me. It's quite a sight. I can't stop crying. Again! fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks. I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good. She had brand new chairs and they were awesome! I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done! I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH. I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through. Enough crying already! Yeah this s*** is sad. So I'll give myself permission to be sad. Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through. That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money. He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it. How is that fair? He didn't even have a checking account before he met me. He can't even get a checking account now! How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add. And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share. And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case. But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)
*If you like what you read, please comment (click on envelope below), subscribe, by clicking pencil below, or follow by clicking on 'follow' button to right.*
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
When to let go
I recently read when Sandra Bullock found out about her husband, Jesse James affairs, she immediately left the house they shared together and moved somewhere else. For many weeks we heard from the media and on shows like TMZ that she was filing for divorce, then she wasn't filing for divorce, they were getting back together, they weren't getting back together. It wasn't until months later she came out with the story of her adopted child and the fact that she indeed, had already filed for divorce.
My question is when is that decision made? Did she decide right away? My problem is, I cannot decide whether I should actually file for divorce. Honestly, I don't know what I'm waiting for. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I keep hoping that he will change. I know how absurd that sounds. I sound like a women on the Maury Povich Show. The kind of women that Maury says, "we caught your husband with a decoy, you caught him in bed with another women, why are you still with him? and the women answers lamely, "cuz I love him Maury." and the whole audience goes crazy and thinks she's a dumb b**ch.
That's me. A dumb bi**h! My circumstances have not been exactly the same. I have never actually caught my husband physically cheating. I have caught him on the Internet on some singles website, chatting it up with various other women on numerous occasions. I have caught him emailing another women about how much fun he had when he pulled over on the side of the road in his big rig and she came out to meet and make-out with him. I have caught him giving out our address over the Internet. Physically I have not caught him in the actual act. He says it was just talk and he didn't mean anything by it. I guess I'll never know.
I have spent the last six months in therapy. An appointment my husband forced me into making stating that "it's all my fault and if I don't go to therapy to find out why I'm so bitchy then he's not coming back."
Therapy was a great idea, and I thank him for making me go. What I learned, was in fact, it is not ALL my fault, and any other women, giving the same circumstances would probably be bitchy too!
I have listened to my husband blame me for everything. The list is so long for things he is blaming me for, that I would just rather not itemize them. Suffice it to say that it boils down to, "I was mean and treated him bad."
But here's the thing, it's very possible I was mean. Honestly, I really don't know who wouldn't be. My husband spent more time on the Internet, sleeping, and hanging with his homies then he ever did with me, my daughter, or my step-son. Let alone spend time with my two older kids. He has continued to really just go way out of his way to be extremely verbally abusive to me. He has continued in the lifestyle that got us we we are today. The things he has done to me personally are so foul, I just would rather not tell anyone. It's embarrassing. I have told my therapist who tells me "I have every right to never speak to him again."
So why haven't I filed for divorce? I mean, do I really think he is going to change? And how much more insults and assaults toward my character, undeservedly disrespecting my parenting, and phone calls to my family should I really tolerate before I give up?
I would really love to hear your comments if you have had a similar situation.
My question is when is that decision made? Did she decide right away? My problem is, I cannot decide whether I should actually file for divorce. Honestly, I don't know what I'm waiting for. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I keep hoping that he will change. I know how absurd that sounds. I sound like a women on the Maury Povich Show. The kind of women that Maury says, "we caught your husband with a decoy, you caught him in bed with another women, why are you still with him? and the women answers lamely, "cuz I love him Maury." and the whole audience goes crazy and thinks she's a dumb b**ch.
That's me. A dumb bi**h! My circumstances have not been exactly the same. I have never actually caught my husband physically cheating. I have caught him on the Internet on some singles website, chatting it up with various other women on numerous occasions. I have caught him emailing another women about how much fun he had when he pulled over on the side of the road in his big rig and she came out to meet and make-out with him. I have caught him giving out our address over the Internet. Physically I have not caught him in the actual act. He says it was just talk and he didn't mean anything by it. I guess I'll never know.
I have spent the last six months in therapy. An appointment my husband forced me into making stating that "it's all my fault and if I don't go to therapy to find out why I'm so bitchy then he's not coming back."
Therapy was a great idea, and I thank him for making me go. What I learned, was in fact, it is not ALL my fault, and any other women, giving the same circumstances would probably be bitchy too!
I have listened to my husband blame me for everything. The list is so long for things he is blaming me for, that I would just rather not itemize them. Suffice it to say that it boils down to, "I was mean and treated him bad."
But here's the thing, it's very possible I was mean. Honestly, I really don't know who wouldn't be. My husband spent more time on the Internet, sleeping, and hanging with his homies then he ever did with me, my daughter, or my step-son. Let alone spend time with my two older kids. He has continued to really just go way out of his way to be extremely verbally abusive to me. He has continued in the lifestyle that got us we we are today. The things he has done to me personally are so foul, I just would rather not tell anyone. It's embarrassing. I have told my therapist who tells me "I have every right to never speak to him again."
So why haven't I filed for divorce? I mean, do I really think he is going to change? And how much more insults and assaults toward my character, undeservedly disrespecting my parenting, and phone calls to my family should I really tolerate before I give up?
I would really love to hear your comments if you have had a similar situation.
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