My friend, who I haven't spoken to in a couple of weeks called me yesterday to ask me how I'm doing. Well...Let's see, I have a job I hate and don't make enough money at. I have a older son who is mentally ill and walks around talking to himself all day! I have another son who just discharged from the Army, has been sitting at home all day and NOT applying for jobs. I have a beautiful daughter who is young and impressionable, who I am raising all by myself.
So how am I doing? I am so grateful! I feel so completely blessed! I know I don't have the 'perfect' family. Most people in my family are crazy, some more then others, and I am including myself! I know Im not perfect and I am o.k. with that. I pray my older son will get better soon because this is not the life I want for him, nor do I believe it is the life God wants for him. I pray my younger son will get some motivation and go get a job. I pray my daughter will live an abundant life full of hope and joys and dreams full-filled. I pray for myself that I will continue to have strength to raise these kids and be happy doing it! I pray the stress of life won't get me down.
I know what it is like to have nothing. Literally. I know what it is like to have your kid missing and go in search of him, handing out posters and asking, 'have you seen him' I know what it is like to go without dinner so your daughter can eat. I know what it is like to go days without sleep, so filled with worry and angst.
I don't have to do any of that today. I don't know about tomorrow, but I do know about today. My God is a God of suddenly's and suddenly it can all change. So today I am walking in blind faith and gratefulness to be where I am. Only through the grace of God. Literally.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Thursday, November 18, 2010
WALKING IN FAITH
At this point all I can do is walk in faith. Faith that God is going to take care of me. Honestly, things have gotten really bad. Really, Really bad. I w ish I was like that housewife on the Dr. Phil show and could stay in bed all day. Since I have a four-year old, I can't. But I want to.
Its been a year now, and I can hardly believe it. What happened to all the stregnth I had 6 months ago? I guess I was so busy trying to survive, that I just forged ahead. Left with no other options, thats what women do. Now that I have a home to live in and food on my table, It feels a tad bit safer to just go ahead and cry, and get nothing done. It doesn't matter that I have no money for lights. Who needs lights? I like candles anyway. Actually that's a little extreme, but really things are bad. I feel like Im have a total breakdown.
It really hurts to get out of bed. It hurts to talk. I quit going to therapy. There nothing to say. Life is shit. It's not just my loser husband. I actually don't even have time to think about him and could really care a less. I guess that's a blessing. No time to be sad about such a menial thing as a man! I have bigger problems to deal with. When it rains, it pours.
My eldest son, is going through whatever the hell he is going through, and I can't help him. He just got out of jail, and that's the least of his problems. As a mother this breaks my heart. Literally. My heart is broken. This is what a breakdown feels like, which may be the same thing as a broken heart. Im not sure. My youngest is acting out at school and she's only four. If anyone knows what this looks like, it looks like a screaming tantrum baby! The kind you see in Walmart running around like a maniac and the mother ignoring the disruptive, obnoxious baby. That's me. Thats's my baby! If you see me just say 'hi' and keep it moving. Save your dirty looks. I really don't care.!
I'm so depressed! Everyone I know is living in beautiful houses, happy, planning there next vacation. At a time when I should be planning my next spa day, Im counting change for coffee! Fuck! I can't sleep. When I say I can't sleep, I mean I haven't slept in a year. Im really breaking down. I have a job, but can't work. Im so worried about my eldest son, his brother, my daughter, work, paying bills, blah blah blah! Will I ever stop crying? I'm just a HOT MESS!
So....I have no words of wisdom for anyone today. It's a miracle I got up and wrote this. I am trying to do ONE thing everyday. Only one thing. I'm making a habit of not answering my phone. Anyone who has the slight inkling of being rude, gets an immediate disconnect. I can only handle one thing at a time. Today my one thing is writing. Which of course, makes me cry! Again!
I hope someone else is having a better day and can offer words of wisdom. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Its been a year now, and I can hardly believe it. What happened to all the stregnth I had 6 months ago? I guess I was so busy trying to survive, that I just forged ahead. Left with no other options, thats what women do. Now that I have a home to live in and food on my table, It feels a tad bit safer to just go ahead and cry, and get nothing done. It doesn't matter that I have no money for lights. Who needs lights? I like candles anyway. Actually that's a little extreme, but really things are bad. I feel like Im have a total breakdown.
It really hurts to get out of bed. It hurts to talk. I quit going to therapy. There nothing to say. Life is shit. It's not just my loser husband. I actually don't even have time to think about him and could really care a less. I guess that's a blessing. No time to be sad about such a menial thing as a man! I have bigger problems to deal with. When it rains, it pours.
My eldest son, is going through whatever the hell he is going through, and I can't help him. He just got out of jail, and that's the least of his problems. As a mother this breaks my heart. Literally. My heart is broken. This is what a breakdown feels like, which may be the same thing as a broken heart. Im not sure. My youngest is acting out at school and she's only four. If anyone knows what this looks like, it looks like a screaming tantrum baby! The kind you see in Walmart running around like a maniac and the mother ignoring the disruptive, obnoxious baby. That's me. Thats's my baby! If you see me just say 'hi' and keep it moving. Save your dirty looks. I really don't care.!
I'm so depressed! Everyone I know is living in beautiful houses, happy, planning there next vacation. At a time when I should be planning my next spa day, Im counting change for coffee! Fuck! I can't sleep. When I say I can't sleep, I mean I haven't slept in a year. Im really breaking down. I have a job, but can't work. Im so worried about my eldest son, his brother, my daughter, work, paying bills, blah blah blah! Will I ever stop crying? I'm just a HOT MESS!
So....I have no words of wisdom for anyone today. It's a miracle I got up and wrote this. I am trying to do ONE thing everyday. Only one thing. I'm making a habit of not answering my phone. Anyone who has the slight inkling of being rude, gets an immediate disconnect. I can only handle one thing at a time. Today my one thing is writing. Which of course, makes me cry! Again!
I hope someone else is having a better day and can offer words of wisdom. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
TAKING BABY STEPS
07/21/2010
I have decide to write my blog a little differently. Instead of whining about all the trouble, emotions, and hell I am going through I have decide to help other women (and men)! If today is the first day of you following my blog then your in luck!
Here's the thing. I spend most of my days running with my head cut off. I am basically trying to recover from the fact that my husband abandoned myself and my four year old daughter. He walked out November 4, 2009 and just never came back.. It took at least three months for me to figure out that he wasn't coming back. Did I mention he stole all my money when he left? Yup, took the business that I started for him (I thought I was starting the business for us), he left, and took the business that I started along with all the money we had, and just walked out.
I'm not bitter or anything. I don't have time. The last 8 months have been spent trying to ensure I have a home a to live in,. food on the table, and provide my daughter what she needs. I don't have time to be bitter. And that ladies and gentleman is Lesson Number 1.
1. Do not waste your time on being bitter. Don't waste your time asking yourself, " what could I have done differently?' Sometimes, the people we marry are just idiots. They have their own issues and it has nothing to do with you. If your wife says, "I cheated on you because your never home." And your never home because your working all the time to pay the bills. Then 'F-her!" move on. Don't waste your time fretting over what you could have done different.
If you supported your husband through law school and then he leaves you to boink the young, hot secretary, then 'F-Him too!' Or-If your husband walked out because now you have four kids, and he thinks he can get more attention or do better somewhere else then 'F-Him'.
Have a cry, or two, then drink a cup of tea, or something stronger, and MOVE ON! Life is short! Don't waste your time fretting over someone who just doesn't deserve the time, energy or emotional havoc it takes on you and your body! Sad bodies become out of shape, feel crappy, and really don't look good!
Today, have a happy body! If you have to go into the bathroom, or a quite place at work, or walk around the block. Do it. Do it now! Take five minutes to be sad, then just move on. You will get better I promise!
Take it from me, I know. I loved my husband deeply with every part of my being. I thought we would be together forever. I was building a life with him, that maybe wasn't perfect. but I was happy. I never thought he would walk out! But all of that matters not. The point is, I am getting better, and it is getting easier, and I will come out stronger. In fact I can see that happening now. Right now before my very eyes!
Today's lesson: Take five or ten minutes to be sad. (don't take more then 15 minutes!) cry, take a walk, do whatever you have to do, and then move on! Don't waste another minute on what woulda, coulda, shoulda, just MOVE ON!
I have decide to write my blog a little differently. Instead of whining about all the trouble, emotions, and hell I am going through I have decide to help other women (and men)! If today is the first day of you following my blog then your in luck!
Here's the thing. I spend most of my days running with my head cut off. I am basically trying to recover from the fact that my husband abandoned myself and my four year old daughter. He walked out November 4, 2009 and just never came back.. It took at least three months for me to figure out that he wasn't coming back. Did I mention he stole all my money when he left? Yup, took the business that I started for him (I thought I was starting the business for us), he left, and took the business that I started along with all the money we had, and just walked out.
I'm not bitter or anything. I don't have time. The last 8 months have been spent trying to ensure I have a home a to live in,. food on the table, and provide my daughter what she needs. I don't have time to be bitter. And that ladies and gentleman is Lesson Number 1.
1. Do not waste your time on being bitter. Don't waste your time asking yourself, " what could I have done differently?' Sometimes, the people we marry are just idiots. They have their own issues and it has nothing to do with you. If your wife says, "I cheated on you because your never home." And your never home because your working all the time to pay the bills. Then 'F-her!" move on. Don't waste your time fretting over what you could have done different.
If you supported your husband through law school and then he leaves you to boink the young, hot secretary, then 'F-Him too!' Or-If your husband walked out because now you have four kids, and he thinks he can get more attention or do better somewhere else then 'F-Him'.
Have a cry, or two, then drink a cup of tea, or something stronger, and MOVE ON! Life is short! Don't waste your time fretting over someone who just doesn't deserve the time, energy or emotional havoc it takes on you and your body! Sad bodies become out of shape, feel crappy, and really don't look good!
Today, have a happy body! If you have to go into the bathroom, or a quite place at work, or walk around the block. Do it. Do it now! Take five minutes to be sad, then just move on. You will get better I promise!
Take it from me, I know. I loved my husband deeply with every part of my being. I thought we would be together forever. I was building a life with him, that maybe wasn't perfect. but I was happy. I never thought he would walk out! But all of that matters not. The point is, I am getting better, and it is getting easier, and I will come out stronger. In fact I can see that happening now. Right now before my very eyes!
Today's lesson: Take five or ten minutes to be sad. (don't take more then 15 minutes!) cry, take a walk, do whatever you have to do, and then move on! Don't waste another minute on what woulda, coulda, shoulda, just MOVE ON!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
GETTING OUT OF BED
I started out this morning praying to God to just get me out of bed. Please God, just let me get out of bed and do one thing that I need to do today. It's really not as easy as it sounds. I'd much prefer to lay in bed, cry, eat, and do nothing. It takes a lot of effort to just get up. If I did not have a four year old daughter, I know for sure, I would not get up.
Sometimes I think about that. If I didn't have my daughter would I ever get out of bed? Maybe I would just lay there forever until the smell coming from my apartment would have the neighbors call the police. For real. Of course, first I would eat everything, which is about two weeks worth of food. But after the food was gone, what then? Would I get out of bed? Nope. I don't think so. I wouldn't feel like going to the store, or taking a shower, or getting dressed. Getting dressed is such an effort! Geez, I'd like to look cute, because after all I am single again, but really, who can look cute with big puffy eyes. Or..I start out with good intentions and manage to put myself slightly together. But because I ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat, or for any unknown reason, what difference does it make? I should probably just stay in sweats. I will at least be comfortable.
I wonder if anyone would even check on me. I doubt it. I have teenagers. That says it all. They would never notice I wasn't around. No one on my ex's side of the family checks on me, and my family stopped long ago. My crazy ex called all my friends and told them I was crazy, so now they just wanna steer clear until the tornado blows over.
HOWEVER, as I said, I started out praying to God, to just get me out of bed today and let me do one thing. Instead of one thing, many things have happened. I've been calling all around the state of California and the city I live in, and calling the Veteran's administration and everywhere else I can think of, because the bottom line is, I went from running a business I didn't get paid for, to really having no income at all. Before the money just went back into the house. I've gone through all my savings and will be broker then broke in about one minute. Thus I've been taking serious preventive action.
Believe it or not, after months of taking preventive action my hard work has started to pay off. There are some options! Thank you God. Best news I've had all day! All week, or all month. While I do not have specific monetary support, or specific housing information, or specifically knowing where my next meal will come from, or how I will make my car payment. I do have HOPE. So I HAVE gotten very far today. And Thank You God for getting me out of bed!
Sometimes I think about that. If I didn't have my daughter would I ever get out of bed? Maybe I would just lay there forever until the smell coming from my apartment would have the neighbors call the police. For real. Of course, first I would eat everything, which is about two weeks worth of food. But after the food was gone, what then? Would I get out of bed? Nope. I don't think so. I wouldn't feel like going to the store, or taking a shower, or getting dressed. Getting dressed is such an effort! Geez, I'd like to look cute, because after all I am single again, but really, who can look cute with big puffy eyes. Or..I start out with good intentions and manage to put myself slightly together. But because I ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat, or for any unknown reason, what difference does it make? I should probably just stay in sweats. I will at least be comfortable.
I wonder if anyone would even check on me. I doubt it. I have teenagers. That says it all. They would never notice I wasn't around. No one on my ex's side of the family checks on me, and my family stopped long ago. My crazy ex called all my friends and told them I was crazy, so now they just wanna steer clear until the tornado blows over.
HOWEVER, as I said, I started out praying to God, to just get me out of bed today and let me do one thing. Instead of one thing, many things have happened. I've been calling all around the state of California and the city I live in, and calling the Veteran's administration and everywhere else I can think of, because the bottom line is, I went from running a business I didn't get paid for, to really having no income at all. Before the money just went back into the house. I've gone through all my savings and will be broker then broke in about one minute. Thus I've been taking serious preventive action.
Believe it or not, after months of taking preventive action my hard work has started to pay off. There are some options! Thank you God. Best news I've had all day! All week, or all month. While I do not have specific monetary support, or specific housing information, or specifically knowing where my next meal will come from, or how I will make my car payment. I do have HOPE. So I HAVE gotten very far today. And Thank You God for getting me out of bed!
Monday, June 14, 2010
OOPS... I DID IT AGAIN!
For the first time in three weeks I had a day off, sort of. Baby daddy finally decided to see his daughter. I worked Saturday night (Thank You God) so that really wasn't a day off. I guess officially, I had a few hours to myself Sunday.
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money. Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive. Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful. That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes. Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day. Thankfully I worked Saturday night. Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would. So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts. My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend. My event went late, so I just drove home. I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself. When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy. I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision. As I said, every penny goes to paying bills. So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly. DO I have the $20.00 to spend? Probably not. Will I have enough gas money for the week? - Bills are due.- Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" - Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going. All before 9am! I finally decide to just get up and do it. THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities. But I deserve this. I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself. Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure. It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens? That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out! She looks at me stunned. I know she thinks she hurt me or something. I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me. It's quite a sight. I can't stop crying. Again! fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks. I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good. She had brand new chairs and they were awesome! I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done! I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH. I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through. Enough crying already! Yeah this s*** is sad. So I'll give myself permission to be sad. Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through. That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money. He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it. How is that fair? He didn't even have a checking account before he met me. He can't even get a checking account now! How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add. And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share. And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case. But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)
*If you like what you read, please comment (click on envelope below), subscribe, by clicking pencil below, or follow by clicking on 'follow' button to right.*
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money. Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive. Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful. That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes. Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day. Thankfully I worked Saturday night. Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would. So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts. My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend. My event went late, so I just drove home. I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself. When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy. I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision. As I said, every penny goes to paying bills. So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly. DO I have the $20.00 to spend? Probably not. Will I have enough gas money for the week? - Bills are due.- Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" - Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going. All before 9am! I finally decide to just get up and do it. THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities. But I deserve this. I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself. Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure. It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens? That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out! She looks at me stunned. I know she thinks she hurt me or something. I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me. It's quite a sight. I can't stop crying. Again! fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks. I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good. She had brand new chairs and they were awesome! I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done! I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH. I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through. Enough crying already! Yeah this s*** is sad. So I'll give myself permission to be sad. Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through. That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money. He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it. How is that fair? He didn't even have a checking account before he met me. He can't even get a checking account now! How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add. And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share. And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case. But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)
*If you like what you read, please comment (click on envelope below), subscribe, by clicking pencil below, or follow by clicking on 'follow' button to right.*
Saturday, June 12, 2010
What we write - What people read
I wrote about how I'm in a depressed funk, and then next day I got a whole bunch of spam mail about depression! 'Here, take this pill, it cures depression'. I guess the spam mail didn't read my blog! I clearly stated I don't believe in taking pills. It's a personnel choice.
I wrote Kim Vs. Countess from Atlanta housewife's and N.Y. Housewife's. Funny how everyone bagged on Kim about how she couldn't sing, but no one is even mentioning to the 'Countess' that she can't even come close to carrying a tune. It's laughable really. I sit on the edge of my bed, just waiting for someone to say, Sorry, Countess, but you really cannot sing." Yet NO ONE does. They keep addressing her as 'Countess' and telling her how fabulous she is. She is fabulous, but she CANNOT sing. There I said it! Lots of people had a comment regarding my housewife's post. Yet NO ONE seemed to care about the post below:
http://www.military.com/news/article/policeman-shoots-unarmed-marine-13-times.html.
POLICEMAN SHOOTS UNARMED MAN 13 times.
The above link was sent to me via www.military.com. As a veteran, I subscribe. This is the most horrific article I have ever read! I posted this on my facebook news feed, yet no one made not ONE comment!. I then looked for it this morning and somehow it was taken down. And not by me. I couldn't find it anywhere. hmmmm. FYI. I don't even live in Maryland where the incident took place. Nor do I know the family. I posted it because stories like these, involving police officers somehow seem to get buried. Disappear. Like my facebook post.
I started out blogging about how I'M so tired of being depressed. Then I read a story about a Marine, shot by policeman 13 times, at a club, after doing a tour in Iraq, cuz the marine made a comment to the cop's women. And I have the nerve to be depressed. There is so much more going on then me!
Today, I will shake off whatever bad mood I'm in. Pray that I and my children are alive, and Thank God for every moment I have. Even the rough ones!
I wrote Kim Vs. Countess from Atlanta housewife's and N.Y. Housewife's. Funny how everyone bagged on Kim about how she couldn't sing, but no one is even mentioning to the 'Countess' that she can't even come close to carrying a tune. It's laughable really. I sit on the edge of my bed, just waiting for someone to say, Sorry, Countess, but you really cannot sing." Yet NO ONE does. They keep addressing her as 'Countess' and telling her how fabulous she is. She is fabulous, but she CANNOT sing. There I said it! Lots of people had a comment regarding my housewife's post. Yet NO ONE seemed to care about the post below:
http://www.military.com/news/article/policeman-shoots-unarmed-marine-13-times.html.
POLICEMAN SHOOTS UNARMED MAN 13 times.
The above link was sent to me via www.military.com. As a veteran, I subscribe. This is the most horrific article I have ever read! I posted this on my facebook news feed, yet no one made not ONE comment!. I then looked for it this morning and somehow it was taken down. And not by me. I couldn't find it anywhere. hmmmm. FYI. I don't even live in Maryland where the incident took place. Nor do I know the family. I posted it because stories like these, involving police officers somehow seem to get buried. Disappear. Like my facebook post.
I started out blogging about how I'M so tired of being depressed. Then I read a story about a Marine, shot by policeman 13 times, at a club, after doing a tour in Iraq, cuz the marine made a comment to the cop's women. And I have the nerve to be depressed. There is so much more going on then me!
Today, I will shake off whatever bad mood I'm in. Pray that I and my children are alive, and Thank God for every moment I have. Even the rough ones!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Depression is Depressing
Depression is Depressing! Honestly, How do people that have this disease function? I've been depressed for several months now and I just cant take it anymore! I'm so tired of being depressed! I have no energy. I can barely get out of bed. I force myself to get out of bed! It takes a great deal of will on a regular basis to actually get up and do things. I have a long list of things I need to take care of everyday. Yet I am so depressed, I can barely do them. Life functioning things-things that if I don't do there are going to major problems. I'm not talking about things like washing my hair, or getting my nails done. I'm talking about survival! Yet, still, I'm so depressed I can barely do what I have to do in order to survive. This sucks!
I cry at any given moment. Like right now. I'm crying! ridiculous! I'm sad and depressed and crying because I know I have so many things things to take care of and I just don't know if I can do them. Things like keeping food in the refrigerator, keeping my lights and gas on....etc etc. Yet I sit here and cry! Depressing! Shit!
I hear and read that there are things you can do to get of a depressed state of mind. Oh really? Like go for a run? Yeah, I tried that. I've tried that on several occasions. You know what happens to me? When I start running, I start REALLY balling my eyes out. Like crying so hard, I can't see where I'm going! I get an hour to exercise and it's so quite and peaceful and then I start thinking about all the crap I've been through in the last 7 months and I really just start sobbing uncontrollably. Or I run by all the beautiful houses near my tiny little apartment and I really start crying, because of course, I should have all of that if not for the circumstances that have left me with nothing, which we won't get into because if we do, I won't finish this blog. I'll be too depressed. So no, exercise does not do it for me.
Eat some ice cream. No not that either, that doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse. I don't even love ice cream and if I eat snacks or crap that's not good for me, I just feel fat after and that makes me more depressed.
Take a pill. I've never been good at taking pills. Hence, my four year old daughter! Plus- pills for depression, I've heard makes you feel nothing and lethargic. I need energy to take care of stuff not a pill that will make my head fuzzy.
Crap!
I guess I'll just ride it out.
I cry at any given moment. Like right now. I'm crying! ridiculous! I'm sad and depressed and crying because I know I have so many things things to take care of and I just don't know if I can do them. Things like keeping food in the refrigerator, keeping my lights and gas on....etc etc. Yet I sit here and cry! Depressing! Shit!
I hear and read that there are things you can do to get of a depressed state of mind. Oh really? Like go for a run? Yeah, I tried that. I've tried that on several occasions. You know what happens to me? When I start running, I start REALLY balling my eyes out. Like crying so hard, I can't see where I'm going! I get an hour to exercise and it's so quite and peaceful and then I start thinking about all the crap I've been through in the last 7 months and I really just start sobbing uncontrollably. Or I run by all the beautiful houses near my tiny little apartment and I really start crying, because of course, I should have all of that if not for the circumstances that have left me with nothing, which we won't get into because if we do, I won't finish this blog. I'll be too depressed. So no, exercise does not do it for me.
Eat some ice cream. No not that either, that doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse. I don't even love ice cream and if I eat snacks or crap that's not good for me, I just feel fat after and that makes me more depressed.
Take a pill. I've never been good at taking pills. Hence, my four year old daughter! Plus- pills for depression, I've heard makes you feel nothing and lethargic. I need energy to take care of stuff not a pill that will make my head fuzzy.
Crap!
I guess I'll just ride it out.
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