I started out this morning praying to God to just get me out of bed. Please God, just let me get out of bed and do one thing that I need to do today. It's really not as easy as it sounds. I'd much prefer to lay in bed, cry, eat, and do nothing. It takes a lot of effort to just get up. If I did not have a four year old daughter, I know for sure, I would not get up.
Sometimes I think about that. If I didn't have my daughter would I ever get out of bed? Maybe I would just lay there forever until the smell coming from my apartment would have the neighbors call the police. For real. Of course, first I would eat everything, which is about two weeks worth of food. But after the food was gone, what then? Would I get out of bed? Nope. I don't think so. I wouldn't feel like going to the store, or taking a shower, or getting dressed. Getting dressed is such an effort! Geez, I'd like to look cute, because after all I am single again, but really, who can look cute with big puffy eyes. Or..I start out with good intentions and manage to put myself slightly together. But because I ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat, or for any unknown reason, what difference does it make? I should probably just stay in sweats. I will at least be comfortable.
I wonder if anyone would even check on me. I doubt it. I have teenagers. That says it all. They would never notice I wasn't around. No one on my ex's side of the family checks on me, and my family stopped long ago. My crazy ex called all my friends and told them I was crazy, so now they just wanna steer clear until the tornado blows over.
HOWEVER, as I said, I started out praying to God, to just get me out of bed today and let me do one thing. Instead of one thing, many things have happened. I've been calling all around the state of California and the city I live in, and calling the Veteran's administration and everywhere else I can think of, because the bottom line is, I went from running a business I didn't get paid for, to really having no income at all. Before the money just went back into the house. I've gone through all my savings and will be broker then broke in about one minute. Thus I've been taking serious preventive action.
Believe it or not, after months of taking preventive action my hard work has started to pay off. There are some options! Thank you God. Best news I've had all day! All week, or all month. While I do not have specific monetary support, or specific housing information, or specifically knowing where my next meal will come from, or how I will make my car payment. I do have HOPE. So I HAVE gotten very far today. And Thank You God for getting me out of bed!
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
OOPS... I DID IT AGAIN!
For the first time in three weeks I had a day off, sort of. Baby daddy finally decided to see his daughter. I worked Saturday night (Thank You God) so that really wasn't a day off. I guess officially, I had a few hours to myself Sunday.
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money. Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive. Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful. That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes. Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day. Thankfully I worked Saturday night. Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would. So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts. My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend. My event went late, so I just drove home. I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself. When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy. I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision. As I said, every penny goes to paying bills. So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly. DO I have the $20.00 to spend? Probably not. Will I have enough gas money for the week? - Bills are due.- Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" - Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going. All before 9am! I finally decide to just get up and do it. THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities. But I deserve this. I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself. Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure. It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens? That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out! She looks at me stunned. I know she thinks she hurt me or something. I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me. It's quite a sight. I can't stop crying. Again! fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks. I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good. She had brand new chairs and they were awesome! I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done! I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH. I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through. Enough crying already! Yeah this s*** is sad. So I'll give myself permission to be sad. Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through. That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money. He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it. How is that fair? He didn't even have a checking account before he met me. He can't even get a checking account now! How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add. And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share. And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case. But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)
*If you like what you read, please comment (click on envelope below), subscribe, by clicking pencil below, or follow by clicking on 'follow' button to right.*
Here's where I'm at: I've been completely stressing over money. Not money to go shopping or buy cute shoes, but money to survive. Since my loser ex, walked out and took all the money with him things have been very stressful. That would be money from the business that I STARTED, that he had no clue how to start. Money from the business that - I gave him money for. He took money from me, the house, his daughter, etc. His measly child support is pennies compared to what he makes. Money he makes that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be making!
In the meantime, everyday is stress day. Thankfully I worked Saturday night. Sadly every penny i made has to go to bills. As an event planner/Bartender, I make great money. Unfortunately I do not book an event every day, or I would. So I worked and spent the entire night after work, adding up my debts. My original plan was to get off work at 1100pm and go out dancing.
It didn't work out like that this past weekend. My event went late, so I just drove home. I woke up early Sunday and forced myself to do at least one thing for myself, to take care of myself. When I say forced, I mean this is not something that comes easy. I decided to get my nails done.
What a big decision. As I said, every penny goes to paying bills. So the decision to get my nails done was not something I made lightly. DO I have the $20.00 to spend? Probably not. Will I have enough gas money for the week? - Bills are due.- Can I really afford to spend the $20.00" - Maybe I can find a cheaper place. - I can't walk around in sunny California with raggedy toes.- On and on my mind keeps going. All before 9am! I finally decide to just get up and do it. THEN I'll go take care of my other responsibilities. But I deserve this. I worked like a dog, and earned the money I made, and I need to take care of myself. Off I go....
I drive to the hood to get my manicure and pedicure. It's the cheapest place. So I'm sitting in the pedicure chair, massage buttons turned up to full tilt, and what do you think happens? That's right, I start balling my eyes out...again!
I'm in front of the asian lady, who doesn't speak a lick of English, and I just stat balling my eyes out! She looks at me stunned. I know she thinks she hurt me or something. I try to explain she did nothing, but she doesn't understand me. It's quite a sight. I can't stop crying. Again! fuck!
I'm crying because I'm still fighting with myself over the $20.00 bucks. I'm crying because the massage chair feels soooooo good. She had brand new chairs and they were awesome! I'm crying because I deserve to get my nails done! I'm crying because I remember when I went and got my nails done as often as I went to buy a cup of coffee. I'm crying because I DON'T DESERVE WHAT MY EX PUT ME THROUGH. I'm crying because I loved that man, had his back through thick and thin, gave him a business and a life he could be proud of, was down 100%, and mostly, I'm crying because I deserve better.
And with crying, comes a break through. Enough crying already! Yeah this s*** is sad. So I'll give myself permission to be sad. Just for today. Tomorrow I'll start over again.
It's tomorrow now, and here's my break through. That business that I started that my ex had no clue how to start....that business is worth money. He doesn't get to make 100,000 per year and hand me a measly 6,000 of it. How is that fair? He didn't even have a checking account before he met me. He can't even get a checking account now! How does he get to keep $94,000.00 dollars and act like he's doing me a favor by handing me a check every month, and not on time I might add. And while I'm picking up my daughter from his house, I see he's sporting a brand new living room set complete with couch, love seat, rug, coffee table...OH HELL NO!
So today, I will find out how much the business I started is worth. And then I'll get my fair share. And for all you men that think women just want you for money, know that's not always the case. But sometimes, you get what you deserve :)
*If you like what you read, please comment (click on envelope below), subscribe, by clicking pencil below, or follow by clicking on 'follow' button to right.*
Saturday, May 1, 2010
The beginning
I never thought I would be in this position at this time in my life. My hopes and dreams were completely different from where I am at now. I had so many beautiful things planned. A thriving business, a husband I loved, a beautiful baby girl, making money, building a dream home. I even had the design picked out!
Instead, I find myself broke, alone, and desperate! Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy! I cry a lot! I've never been a crier, now I find myself crying at odd times, like when I'm driving down the road, and I mean crying hard, where I can't see! It's crazy!
So after 6 months of living separately, it appears that divorce is inevitable. It's so sad. I loved my husband. I must find the strength to move on, for me and my daughter. I cannot live like I have been. It's not good for me or her.
I will write, and hopefully someone will read this and be able to relate. Maybe I will come out a stronger person in the end, and hopefully take someone with me. If you like this and think you might want to follow. please subscribe & tell your friends!
Instead, I find myself broke, alone, and desperate! Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy! I cry a lot! I've never been a crier, now I find myself crying at odd times, like when I'm driving down the road, and I mean crying hard, where I can't see! It's crazy!
So after 6 months of living separately, it appears that divorce is inevitable. It's so sad. I loved my husband. I must find the strength to move on, for me and my daughter. I cannot live like I have been. It's not good for me or her.
I will write, and hopefully someone will read this and be able to relate. Maybe I will come out a stronger person in the end, and hopefully take someone with me. If you like this and think you might want to follow. please subscribe & tell your friends!
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