LETTER TO MY EX

Did you think I would just lay down and die without you?  You did, didn't you?  You thought if you walked out, I would either lay down and die, or beg you to come back.  No matter how you treated me, no matter what you did.  I would be so desperate as to allow you to do anything to me, and I would still want to just stand next to you.  You think you are so special that you could treat me any kind of way and i would stay.  Or die if you went?
  Obviously you never knew me.  Obviously you never recognized me for the women that I am.  It's been almost two years now.  Not only did I not lay down and die, but I came out way stronger and way better then ever before!  I guess I can say, 'Thank you' for that!
  I have been so blessed, and so grateful for everything I have.  It was not an easy road.  Before, with you, I was so busy trying to help you succeed, that I forgot to take time out to enjoy my life.  Appreciate what God gave me.  Spend time with my child in a loving and caring space, Not just time with my child.  Time to laugh, and marvel at the moon (like we did last night), and really spend time.
  Funny how God works.  There was a time when I thought I would lay down and die.  There were many days when I did not want to get out of bed.  I only did because I had to.  I had to take care of our daughter, because if I didn't, nobody would.  I didn't want to, but I did anyway.  There were many days when I thought I wouldn't get through the day.  Now I just smile, when I look back on all that.  Not only did I make it through, but look at all I have!
  I am so blessed.  And while you are claiming to be a 'king', and appointed by God, I sadly smile at the way you are still trapped in your own ego.  The way you thought and said I would be nothing without you. The same way you profess to be a king.  I guess you don't know that we are supposed to be 'humble' servants of God.  And if a king cannot take care of his wife and child, he certainly cannot atke care of his people..

So there is no bitterness, nor am I mad.  I actually have to thatnk you for my beautiful daughter who is such a gift from God it brings tears to my eyes every time I look at her.  She is so beautiful and smart and funny.  I could go on and on.  But without you I would not have her, so I guess I can be cordial to you just for that.  Without you, I would not be in the place I am in today.  I would still be washing your drawers, cooking your meals, cleaning your house, and running a business that you and you alone profitted from.  Instead, I am happy joyous and free.  Every day is a blessing.  Every moment I cherish.  I love myself, my neighbors and the new experiences each day brings.  Everything is better!
  Lastly, Your daughter and I took a vacation this summer.  Something you and I never did in the seven years we were together.  Not even for the weekend!  You never took me anywhere, much less me and your family.  Well this year I went.  I didn't know how I was going to afford it, but somehow God took care of that too.  We drove across country and saw 'other lands' and had the best time.  So sad for you that you are still trapped in your own self.  But again, I thank you for it.
I did not lay down and die.  Nor will I ever.  Not for you, or any man.  I'm sorry that you did not recognize me for who I am.  I'm stronger and better then ever.  Your daughter and I both.  I am teaching her to be a strong, self sufficient, hard working women.  My heart breaks for her, when she asks for you.  But it does not break for you.
Thank you for everything you have given me.  And for the things you did not.  It made me who I am today, and I am so grateful for that.
God Bless

AM I SPEAKING ENGLISH?

Am I speaking English?  Do women speak English and men speak some secret language that we don't know about or are not privy to?  I can say, "The dog is chasing the cat." and somehow what the ex hears is, "That pussy likes to get chased around a tree."  I mean, not even close to what I said.  

My question is, "Is it my ex, or just men in general that they don't hear what we as women are saying."  Honestly, I think they speak a different language or something in their brain doesn't compute the way women's brains compute.  It's so odd. 

So the ex sends me a nasty text calling me foul names, liar, b., etc. etc.  Apparently someone has told him about http://thegreygrildiaries.blogspot.com. I'm very surprised by this since I've been writing for about a year now, and he's just now hearing about it?  Not like I'm trying to hide it or anything.  I mean, it is posted on the internet.  So I tell him too bad if you don't like it.  It's how I feel, it's about as real as it gets, and by the way, did you actually read it?

He tells me that he only got to the part where I tell about how he emptied the bank accounts, and that's a total lie, and blah blah blah.  Uh... well, if you deposit 3800.03 into the account, and you withdraw 3800.03 from the account, that is pretty much draining the accounts.  If you do this more then once, that that means you have drained the bank accounts and left me and baby girl for dead.  Right?  I mean, 1+1=2.  Somehow he just doesn't get this.  I guess the $400.00 dollars he gave me makes him think that he is 'looking out for me."  By the way, the 3800.03 is the from the business we own together, that I started, just in case you haven't read this blog before.

Anyway, I'm just so confused because everything is such polar opposites.  I see black, he sees white.  Is it because we are black & white?  Is it because his brain speaks another language?  What the heck?  

I would love to hear other peoples feedback and wonder if men in their lives speak a different language, or vice versa, women v. men.

In the meantime, I am still focused on taking care of me and my baby girl.  No matter what a man says, what I have learned for sure, is no one takes care of you, but you.  That's not to say, you cannot have a beautiful relationship with a member of the opposite sex.  It just means, have a secret stash!  Make sure you have a backup plan where you personally are taken care of.  Wow!  Took me a lot of years to learn that.  Wish I would have met up with with Oprah Winfrey, Suzie Orman, Cynthia Bailey, or other women that learned this lesson at a young age.  I will be teaching my daughter, starting now. :)

WALKING IN FAITH

 At this point all I can do is walk in faith.  Faith that God is going to take care of me.  Honestly, things have gotten really bad.  Really, Really bad.  I w ish I was like that housewife on the Dr. Phil show and could stay in bed all day.  Since I have a four-year old, I can't.  But I want to.

Its been a year now, and I can hardly believe it.  What happened to all the stregnth I had 6 months ago?  I guess I was so busy trying to survive, that I just forged ahead.  Left with no other options, thats what women do.  Now that I have a home to live in and food on my table, It feels a tad bit safer to just go ahead and cry, and get nothing done.  It  doesn't matter that I have no money for lights.  Who needs lights?  I like candles anyway.  Actually that's a little extreme, but really things are bad.  I feel like Im have a total breakdown.

It really hurts to get out of bed.  It hurts to talk.  I quit going to therapy.  There nothing to say.  Life is shit.  It's not just my loser husband.  I actually don't even have time to think about him and could really care a less.  I guess that's a blessing.  No time to be sad about such a menial thing as a man! I have bigger problems to deal with. When it rains, it pours.

My eldest son, is going through whatever the hell he is going through, and I can't help him.  He just got out of jail, and that's the least of his problems. As a mother this breaks my heart. Literally.  My heart is broken.  This is what a breakdown feels like, which may be the same thing as a broken heart. Im not sure. My youngest is acting out at school and she's only four.  If anyone knows what this looks like, it looks like a screaming tantrum baby!  The kind you see in Walmart running around like a maniac and the mother ignoring the disruptive, obnoxious baby.  That's me.  Thats's my baby!  If you see me just say 'hi' and keep it moving.  Save your dirty looks.  I  really don't care.!

I'm so depressed!  Everyone I know is living in beautiful houses, happy, planning there next vacation.  At a time when I should be planning my next spa day, Im counting change for coffee!  Fuck!  I can't sleep.  When I say I can't sleep, I mean I haven't slept in a year.  Im really breaking down.  I have a job, but can't work.  Im so worried about my eldest son, his brother, my daughter, work, paying bills, blah blah blah! Will I ever stop crying?  I'm just a HOT MESS!

So....I have no words of wisdom for anyone today.  It's a miracle I got up and wrote this.  I am trying to do ONE thing everyday.  Only one thing.  I'm making a habit of not answering my phone.  Anyone who has the slight inkling of being rude, gets an immediate disconnect.  I can only handle one thing at a time.  Today my one thing is writing.  Which of course, makes me cry! Again!

I hope someone else is having a better day and can offer words of wisdom.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Recovery

I started out this blog as a journal type thing, hoping that in the process I would reach others that may be going through the same type of thing I am.  With the advice of some friends, I moved to not so much telling my story, but offering advice.  What a joke that is.  My purpose of offering advice was perhaps to reach more readers.  I now know that I am hardly the person to be giving advice.  I am no 'Dr. Laura'.  What works for me, may not work for you.

So I am back to telling my story.  This time really real.  I withheld information to protect who?  Not me?  I really cant tell my story without telling the WHOLE story.

Some things have happened in the past month that really change the equation.  Good or Bad, Im not sure which.  I just know that its time for me to tell my story, and hopefully reach other women that are going through the same thing.  Maybe they will get something out of it.  Hopefully, at the very least, A laugh.

It's been 11 months since my husband walked out the door leaving myself and my daughter high and dry.  He literally walked out.  It took me roughly about three months to figure out he wasn't coming back.  Three months of endless sleepless nights.  Three months of crying non-stop, three months of letting him come back for a night, or a couple of hours, three months of accepting full blame and believing if I was only a better person he would come back.  Three months of not eating.  Three months of HELL.  And it didn't stop there...

At the end of three months I figured out very quickly, "oh crap. I'm about to be homeless." You see when the husband left, he took all of the money from the business that I STARTED with him.  Yes, he paid support for a few months, but not nearly half of what the business brought in, and certainly less then what I deserved.  I was happy that he was paying something, I just wanted him back,.  I didn't make a stink.  I just accepted what he said he was going to pay for support and begged him to come home.

WOW!  That's so crazy just writing that!  Im 11 months down the road now.  Things are much different.  I would say from about 3 to 9 months I pulled myself up from my bootstraps, became the gansta that I am, and made things happen.  I mean I was really on one!  I worked like a dog.  I called everyone I knew. I found out where to get assistance.  I called homeless shelters.  I went to food banks.  I called the bank everyday and begged them not to take my car!  I mean, things were really rough for a long time.  My husband (lets just refer to him as the 'Pig' from now on.)  The Pig paid child support & my car payment from Novemember until June.  As he should.  Still not half of what the business I STARTED was making.  Less then a third actually.  But I was ok with the car payment and support.  And I accepted it.  Then in June he decided not to pay my car payment.  As a matter of fact he told me the day the car payment was due, that he wasn't going to pay.  Hence all the phone calls.  Calling the bank, homeless shelters ( I could no longer afford rent)  DPSS...I mean the list is endless and I spent most of my days trying to figure out how to live.  No time to be sad or depressed, or even hope he was coming back.

During this time of going through life like a freaking tornado, a women on a mission, the mission of survival.  I really didnt have time to cry or wallow in self pity.  There was no time for that.  I gave myself a year to get it together.  I'm now at 11 months.

I have a new house now.  A beautiful house.  A house that I feel is a gift from God.  I feel so special getting presents from God.  A house I can afford, in a beautiful neighborhood.  All those phone calls paid off. I have a job too.  It pays the bills.  Thats a good thing.  Im sure a better job will come along as soon as I am more settled.  Right now, Im not even looking.  Heres the point Im getting too:

I cant believe I ever wanted this loser back!  Honestly!  What the hell was I thinking????  I dont know what happened to the guy I married.  But this ain't the guy.  Oh I do know what happened, but Ill save that for another blog.

None of which is my problem now.  I will move on.  I can tell you some days really really suck.  Some days I laugh my a** off.  Some days I just love being a mom, and some days, I wish I could crawl in bed all day and not get out.  Some days, I'd like to suck down some tequila.  Some days I want to go out dancing but can't because I have no babysitter.  Some days, I feel really sorry for myself.  This is shit is just ridiculous!

I will pass on the only lesson I know works for sure.  There may come other lessons later.  This is what I know today.  It's ok to cry.  Its ok to put on your pj's and crawl in bed and cry.  Especially if its raining.  It's ok to laugh too.  Its ok whatever it is you are doing.  Your right there where your supposed to be. 

LESSON 3

There is no title for Lesson 3.  It is what it is.  YOU MUST PUT YOURSELF FIRST!  Above all else, make sure that you have the things you need.  Make sure that YOU are taken care of.  God will help, or show you the way, or send you an angel, but it is up to you to step up and recognize, and take care of yourself. 

What I mean by that is this; If your like me, there are days when you just feel like laying in bed and dying.  I don't care if your a man or women.  There are days when it's difficult to get out of bed.  But you must.  You must get up and take care of yourself or you are no good to anyone around you.  I have found that just a simple thing like straightening my hair makes me feel better.  This is no easy feat.  It takes a good hour and a half to straighten my hair and it's a pain in the ass, but it's part of taking care of myself.  Give yourself a clean shave (men), paint your nails, do your hair, put on make up.  Even if your not going anywhere. 
Then go somewhere.

I have become a master at finding bargains and deals, shopping for little to no money, & finding free excursions. I will get into all that in a later lesson.  This lesson is about taking care of you.  It's so important to take care of yourself.  In difficult times we tend to be too depressed to take care of us.  The basic needs of the kids, or work, is about all we can handle.  "Fake it til you make it."  That's the motto I have adopted.  Pretend.  Act 'as if'.  As if your life is perfect, as if your wealthy & beautiful, as if you don't have a care in the world.  Act 'as if.'.

Last week I had to stalk my ex to get a child support check.  By stalking I mean I had to drive to his job and sit outside and wait for him to show up to pick up his pay.  When he finally did show up he came to my car window and gave me this super sad face, and 'whoa is me' tale about how he got a ticket and forgot to show up in court, and how they are going to take his license if he doesn't pay it, and that's why he can't give me child support.  I swear I even saw a tear. 

I'm so embarrassed to admit it, but I actually felt sorry for him. I actually picked up my phone to call my sister and tell her the money that I borrowed from her so I could TAKE CARE OF ME, (& baby gurl) I wouldn't be able to pay back this week.  Instead of my sisters' number pulling up, magically my phone scrolled to the text messages I had save from my crazy ex.  You know the ones.  That's where the person who once loved you and swore you where the best thing that ever happened to him, sends you texts calling you a whore and many other choice expletives.  I saved those texts, just in case I need them to prove to the court that he actually is crazy.  Magically those texts reappeared just when I was feeling so for him.  Funny how that works.

So I read all of them.  And then I marched my perfect little ass, you know, the one he'll never get to touch again, right on down to the courthouse.  I stood in line for two hours.  The whole time re-reading every text and plotting and planning on how I would take him for every penny he has!  Let him be homeless on the street.  Not me. Not my daughter.  Time to take care of me!  I'm going to make sure that I have everything I need.  Food on the table, roof over my head, hair done, nails done, and looking as good as I possibly can!

And guess what.  I FEEL Better. 

I don't have money for an attorney.  But there are tons of Legal Aid foundations that are out there and will help you fill out paperwork.  In fact, they will tell you what forms you need, and then each form has instructions.  So as long as you can read, YOU can file for child support and spousal support!  And if you can't read, there are programs for that too.  Check your local library.

I have been back and forth to legal aid about 20 times, no exaggeration.  I fill out the forms, then I bring them to have an attorney intern look at them, then they tell me what to correct, then I correct, then I bring them back again. And I do it over and over again until I have it right.  If your really nice, people will help you.  There is no reason to suffer, or let your kids suffer.  You know what else I learned?  I don't have any money for an attorney because my crazy ex stole it all.  But he has money.  And the judge will order him to pay attorney fees! hah!  And he can't just stop working so he doesn't have to pay child support.  There are laws against that too!

So, Ladies and gentleman.  Time to take care of yourself.  Get up and make yourself look cute, (or handsome) do whatever makes you feel your best, and you know what that is.  Do it clean and sober.  After your done, make sure you and your kids have what they need.  If that means 'show no mercy.' then 'show no mercy.'  Everyone is a child of God, and it will all work out as it should. Don't  let anyone sucker you into believing they are more important, or somehow you don't deserve to be taken care of. You do deserve it.

GETTING OUT OF BED

I started out this morning praying to God to just get me out of bed.  Please God, just let me get out of bed and do one thing that I need to do today.  It's really not as easy as it sounds.  I'd much prefer to lay in bed, cry, eat, and do nothing.  It takes a lot of effort to just get up.  If I did not have a four year old daughter, I know for sure, I would not get up.
Sometimes I think about that.  If I didn't have my daughter would I ever get out of bed?  Maybe I would just lay there forever until the smell coming from my apartment would have the neighbors call the police.  For real.  Of course, first I would eat everything, which is about two weeks worth of food. But after the food was gone, what then?  Would I get out of bed?  Nope.  I don't think so. I wouldn't feel like going to the store, or taking a shower, or getting dressed.  Getting dressed is such an effort!  Geez, I'd like to look cute, because after all I am single again, but really, who can look cute with big puffy eyes.  Or..I start out with good intentions and manage to put myself slightly together.  But because I ball my eyes out at the drop of a hat, or for any unknown reason, what difference does it make?  I should probably just stay in sweats.  I will at least be comfortable.
I wonder if anyone would even check on me.  I doubt it.  I have teenagers.  That says it all.  They would never notice I wasn't around.  No one on my ex's side of the family checks on me, and my family stopped long ago.  My crazy ex called all my friends and told them I was crazy, so now they just wanna steer clear until the tornado blows over.
HOWEVER, as I said, I started out praying to God, to just get me out of bed today and let me do one thing.  Instead of one thing, many things have happened.  I've been calling all around the state of California and the city I live in, and calling the Veteran's administration and everywhere else I can think of, because the bottom line is, I went from running a business I didn't get paid for, to really having no income at all.  Before the money just went back into the house. I've gone through all my savings and will be broker then broke in about one minute.  Thus I've been taking serious preventive action.
Believe it or not, after months of taking preventive action my hard work has started to pay off.  There are some options!  Thank you God.  Best news I've had all day! All week, or all month.  While I do not have specific monetary support, or specific housing information, or specifically knowing where my next meal will come from, or how I will make my car payment.  I do have HOPE.  So I HAVE gotten very far today.  And Thank You God for getting me out of bed!

What we write - What people read

I wrote about how I'm in a depressed funk, and then next day I got a whole bunch of spam mail about depression!  'Here, take this pill, it cures depression'.  I guess the spam mail didn't read my blog!  I clearly stated I don't believe in taking pills.  It's a personnel choice.

I wrote Kim Vs. Countess from Atlanta housewife's and N.Y. Housewife's.  Funny how everyone bagged on Kim about how she couldn't sing, but no one is even mentioning to the 'Countess' that she can't even come close to carrying a tune.  It's laughable really.  I sit on the edge of my bed, just waiting for someone to say, Sorry, Countess, but you really cannot sing."  Yet NO ONE does.  They keep addressing her as 'Countess' and telling her how fabulous she is.  She is fabulous, but she CANNOT sing.  There I said it!  Lots of people had a comment regarding my housewife's post.  Yet NO ONE seemed to care about the post below:

http://www.military.com/news/article/policeman-shoots-unarmed-marine-13-times.html.  
POLICEMAN SHOOTS UNARMED MAN 13 times.
The above link was sent to me via www.military.com.  As a veteran, I subscribe.  This is the most horrific article I have ever read! I posted this on my facebook news feed, yet no one made not ONE comment!.  I then looked for it this morning and somehow it was taken down.  And not by me.  I couldn't find it anywhere.  hmmmm.  FYI. I don't even live in Maryland where the incident took place.  Nor do I know the family.   I posted it because stories like these, involving police officers somehow seem to get buried.  Disappear. Like my facebook post.

I started out blogging about how I'M so tired of being depressed.  Then I read a story about a Marine, shot by policeman 13 times, at a club, after doing a tour in Iraq, cuz the marine made a comment to the cop's women.  And I have the nerve to be depressed.  There is so much more going on then me! 

Today, I will shake off whatever bad mood I'm in.  Pray that I and my children are alive, and Thank God for every moment I have.  Even the rough ones!

Vodka & Cream Soda

I'm sitting here writing this blog with a Vodka & Cream Soda in my hand.  Pretty talented huh? I woke up this morning with my boxing gloves on, ready to take on the crap that I have been avoiding for many months now.  I haven't wanted to file for divorce, or legal separation, or anything.  I don't know why.  I guess I have been hoping in the back of my mind, that the EX would just wake up one day and see that he has seriously lost his mind, and get the help he needs. 
This is not the man I married.  The man I have been dealing with the last 7 months, more like the last year and seven months, is not the person that I married.  This is not the person I took vows with.  The is some other person that has lost his mind, and since he was a perfectly rational person (with a few exceptions) over the last 7 years I have just been assuming that he will somehow become that rational person again.  The reason that I am typing with a Vodka/Cream soda in my hand is that I am now realizing that it's just not going to happen.
And so today, I will pour myself a drink and give myself permission to just cry over the sadness of it all.
I started out this day ready to fight.  5 a.m. up bright and early because of course, I cannot sleep.  The weekend threw another obstacle in my face.  You see my EX, has made it so, that I can no longer speak to his sister.  His sister who I spoke to every day.  His sister who has four daughters, all around the same age as my daughter.  His sister who we used to go over her house every other weekend at least, and all the girls would play together.  Now, she does not take my calls.  He has told her she is not allowed to speak to me, thus, my daughter cannot see her cousins.  My daughter misses her cousins, and loves her cousins, and talks about them.  She asks when she can see them.  I feel like this:
It's not enough that you have destroyed every part of my life that I was comfortable in.  Now you have to worm your way to messing with my daughter.  Why? On the off chance that I may ask your sister to babysit ONE night and have a night out?  It's bad enough that i accepted everything you have done, turned my cheek as if perhaps I may have somehow deserved it. You didn't go too far when you gave our address out over the Internet to meet up with some ho, it wasn't too far when you moved into the house you moved into (you know what I mean), it wasn't too far when you sent me pics of other women you were messing with via text, it wasn't too far when you accused me of doing things that I didn't even THINK of doing.  Yet somehow, NOT letting my daughter see her cousins is very definitely going too too far!
So I woke up with boxing gloves on, and went straight to the library filling out all the forms I need to file Separation Papers. I got thru the first 40 forms and then just broke down.  The sadness of it all is overwhelming.
 I'm giving you the business, the one that I started for you.  Remember?  The one you were so grateful that I started.  You didn' t even know you could just start your own business.  Remember the money I gave you for your first truck?  Remember how I borrowed my friends car so I could teach you how to drive a stick, so you could go to truck driving school? Remember how happy you were to have a business checking account in yours & my name?  Remember all that?
Anyway, so here I sit with a Vodka/Cream Soda.  A delicious drink by the way.  I will finish my forms in the morning, I will have an attorney look at them and see if it was done correctly.  If he fights me on child support or spousal support I will take out a loan and fight him for every last dime he has.  After all he wouldn't have a dime if it wasn't for me.
I am so sad, and devasted and wonder if I could have done anything different.  But in fact I could not.

Age is just a number. Or is it?

I have never really paid attention to my age.  I have the mentality that 'age is just a number'. It's just never been an issue with me.  I realize that other people do have issues with age.  Some women feel the 'time clock ticking' some men feel 'they've past their prime'.  I've never really gotten any of that.  Other people have had an issue with my age.  I never have.
For instance.  When I met my husband, who happens to be nine years younger then me, many people asked, "how old is he?"  When his mother met me, she asked, "how old is she?'  When I got pregnant, I heard a lot,  "a women your age..."  I was always confused when I heard this.  First of all, I was reminded how old I really am.  For many years I have been telling those who asked, how old I FEEL. I Feel a certain age. I am numerically a different age then what I feel. Age is just a number.
The other day someone asked me, "How old are you?"  For so many years I have been telling people how old I feel.  At this point in life, I have decided to tell people how old I really am.  First of all, they don't believe me.  No one does.  Maybe it's because I have been saying how old I feel for so many years, that I now project that out onto the universe.  Maybe, it's because I look good.  Maybe it's because I have been running everyday, maybe it's because I have a better body then most 20-year-olds.   Maybe because, thanks to my fabulous doctors at the V.A, hospital, I get lazor treatment every 3 months on my face!  Whatever the reason is, I don't look my age.  I like having people tell me, "your kidding!."
However. Today. I feel my age.  Actually this whole divorce thing has really made me take a hard look at where I am in my life.  I should be taking vacations, and getting ready for retirement and owning my own home, and settling into 'the relaxing years'  As old as that makes me sound.  That's where I should be at this point in my life. 
I did have a plan.  My plan was to own a small business with my spouse, raise our baby girl, maybe expand our business to where we made enough money to build our dream home, and live happily ever after.  Not the richest, but not poorest either.  I am comfortable being a housewife, raising my kids.  In fact I think it's the most important job a women can have.  I don't need a 'career' to feel important.  When I hear my daughter laugh so hard because I'm tickling her, or when I see she's learning to read, because I am reading to her, there is nothing that makes me feel more important.  That's it.
Since my husband walked out.  My whole focus has shifted to 'what am I to do', instead of pursuing goals.  Now I find myself focusing on age.  I heard the other day on the radio President Obama's age. I almost crashed my car.  OMG!  The frickin President of the United States is only a few years older then me?  He's The President of The United States! I immediately burst into tears. I am a loser!  It's officially official.
And so, while age is a just a number to some people.  Today it means everything to me.

The purpose of this blog is not to get into a 'he said, she said'. Nor do I choose to get into the gory details of everything I have been put through. I'm writing because I cannot possibly be the only person who has gone through this type of pain, and found a way past it. I've read other books like, "Divorce Sucks" by Mary Jo Eustace, ex-wife of Dean Spelling (as in Tori Spelling). Divorce books are great, however, mostly written after the fact. This will be different as I plan to write as I go.

While intellectually I assume that I will get past the pain, emotionally I'm just not quite sure. Everyday is different. Every minute is different. Anything can set me off, into any type of reaction. One minute I may be crying my eyes out as I drive down the street. The next I may be cussing out the coffee shop girl who had the nerve to look at me cross-eyed. I just don't know what is going to happen next. I have been blind-sided, and this blog is for every women who didn't see it coming (Sandra Bullock). And for every man as well, who did right by his women, took care of her, loved her, and then found out later she was cheating with the gardener while he was at work. And then had the nerve to say, "Well you're never home."

This blog is for those of us who don't deserve what we have been put through. In fact, lets just say I was a drug-addicted street-walking prostitute. I STILL don't deserve what I've been put through. Yet somehow I have tolerated it. I'm going to write until I convince myself, and hopefully you, that 'this' is not o.k. Whatever your 'this' is, you deserve better. I deserve better.

Letter from my mother-who is always right!

Darling daughter: Don't be sad. Go outside and look at the sky and feel the breeze. Smell the Sea and the flowers. Notice all that God has done and ask him to rule your life and be willing to listen to him. He sees all the issues involved in a matter and has complete entire knowledge . He reads the heart he notes ignorance, negligence or willful sin. Shannon will reap the whirlwind if he is sinning. Life is too short to be angry.
Think of all your blessings from God, Beauty, Jade, Beau, Sam, & Health etc.. Remember Jehovah God loves you. Jesus does too & so do I. You have many that love you. The bible says Satin was thrown out of heaven. When he came to the earth it says beware because he knows his time is short and he goes around like a roaring lion waiting to devour. Read Gods Word and you will live forever in a paradise where there is no sadness, sickness or death. What a wonderful promise!
With lot's of love Mother