LETTER TO MY EX

Did you think I would just lay down and die without you?  You did, didn't you?  You thought if you walked out, I would either lay down and die, or beg you to come back.  No matter how you treated me, no matter what you did.  I would be so desperate as to allow you to do anything to me, and I would still want to just stand next to you.  You think you are so special that you could treat me any kind of way and i would stay.  Or die if you went?
  Obviously you never knew me.  Obviously you never recognized me for the women that I am.  It's been almost two years now.  Not only did I not lay down and die, but I came out way stronger and way better then ever before!  I guess I can say, 'Thank you' for that!
  I have been so blessed, and so grateful for everything I have.  It was not an easy road.  Before, with you, I was so busy trying to help you succeed, that I forgot to take time out to enjoy my life.  Appreciate what God gave me.  Spend time with my child in a loving and caring space, Not just time with my child.  Time to laugh, and marvel at the moon (like we did last night), and really spend time.
  Funny how God works.  There was a time when I thought I would lay down and die.  There were many days when I did not want to get out of bed.  I only did because I had to.  I had to take care of our daughter, because if I didn't, nobody would.  I didn't want to, but I did anyway.  There were many days when I thought I wouldn't get through the day.  Now I just smile, when I look back on all that.  Not only did I make it through, but look at all I have!
  I am so blessed.  And while you are claiming to be a 'king', and appointed by God, I sadly smile at the way you are still trapped in your own ego.  The way you thought and said I would be nothing without you. The same way you profess to be a king.  I guess you don't know that we are supposed to be 'humble' servants of God.  And if a king cannot take care of his wife and child, he certainly cannot atke care of his people..

So there is no bitterness, nor am I mad.  I actually have to thatnk you for my beautiful daughter who is such a gift from God it brings tears to my eyes every time I look at her.  She is so beautiful and smart and funny.  I could go on and on.  But without you I would not have her, so I guess I can be cordial to you just for that.  Without you, I would not be in the place I am in today.  I would still be washing your drawers, cooking your meals, cleaning your house, and running a business that you and you alone profitted from.  Instead, I am happy joyous and free.  Every day is a blessing.  Every moment I cherish.  I love myself, my neighbors and the new experiences each day brings.  Everything is better!
  Lastly, Your daughter and I took a vacation this summer.  Something you and I never did in the seven years we were together.  Not even for the weekend!  You never took me anywhere, much less me and your family.  Well this year I went.  I didn't know how I was going to afford it, but somehow God took care of that too.  We drove across country and saw 'other lands' and had the best time.  So sad for you that you are still trapped in your own self.  But again, I thank you for it.
I did not lay down and die.  Nor will I ever.  Not for you, or any man.  I'm sorry that you did not recognize me for who I am.  I'm stronger and better then ever.  Your daughter and I both.  I am teaching her to be a strong, self sufficient, hard working women.  My heart breaks for her, when she asks for you.  But it does not break for you.
Thank you for everything you have given me.  And for the things you did not.  It made me who I am today, and I am so grateful for that.
God Bless

Doing me

Much has happened since the last time i blogged. The ex has come crying back professing his undying love. Yea right. A year in therapy, practically homeless if not for the grace of God, having to start over, and all the other b.s. i've gone through has taught me something.
First & foremost. Actions speak louder then words. Duh....Im sad to say that i have fell for that song and dance a few times before. Some men know all the right things to say. Others know all the right things to do. Ill be paying attention to the 'do gooders' from here on out.
On a personal note. Im better. I no longer have days that i feel like im breaking down. I do have sad days where im sad for the husband that i truly loved is gone. Its terrible. But that man i fell in love with is no longer that man. Whoever, whatever, he turned into, is not what i want. This year has been a year of tremendous
Growth & spiritual growth. One thing for sure is without God i am nothing. I have made it through the worst of the worst. I feel like being homeless because husband walked out & emptied bank accounts & left me & daughter on our own is about as bad as it gets. From here there is no where to go but up.
With that said i am moving forward. Some days are easier then others. Most days are really good.
Financially still no court date, or lawyer to help, & i still struggle. But i know its not forever, & God is going to take care of me. I know this because i pray every day & every night & most of the day throughout the day.
So for some people a year seems like a long time. For me it does. I'm hopeful that one day i will look back on this all & laugh. In the meantime i will keep praying. I hope u do too!

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