GRATEFULNESS

My friend, who I haven't spoken to in a couple of weeks called me yesterday to ask me how I'm doing.  Well...Let's see, I have a job I hate and don't make enough money at.  I have a older son who is mentally ill and walks around talking to himself all day!  I have another son who just discharged from the Army, has been sitting at home all day and NOT applying for jobs.  I have a beautiful daughter who is young and impressionable, who I am raising all by myself. 
So how am I doing?  I am so grateful!  I feel so completely blessed!  I know I don't have the 'perfect' family.  Most people in my family are crazy, some more then others, and I am including myself!  I know Im not perfect and I am o.k. with that.  I pray my older son will get better soon because this is not the life I want for him, nor do I believe it is the life God wants for him.  I pray my younger son will get some motivation and go get a job.  I pray my daughter will live an abundant life full of hope and joys and dreams full-filled.  I pray for myself that I will continue to have strength to raise these kids and be happy doing it!  I pray the stress of life won't get me down.
 I know what it is like to have nothing.  Literally.  I know what it is like to have your kid missing and go in search of him,  handing out posters and asking, 'have you seen him'  I know what it is like to go without dinner so your daughter can eat.  I know what it is like to go days without sleep, so filled with worry and angst.
I don't have to do any of that today.  I don't know about tomorrow, but I do know about today.  My God is a God of suddenly's and suddenly it can all change.  So today I am walking in blind faith and gratefulness to be where I am. Only through the grace of God. Literally.

MOVING FORWARD

  Its been a long time since I posted. I get so busy caught up in the day to day of what is called life.  I'm in a place now where I feel so much better off then when I was married.  I thought I was soo in love.  I was so in love.  Really, I loved my husband more than anything.  And now I feel nothing.  Nothing. Not mad, or sad, broken, depressed, 'wish things were different'.  just nothing.  It's sooo weird. 
I vividley remember laying in bed with him, thinking 'I'm so in love with you after seven years of marriage, how does that happen?'  and now.  I'm so over you, I'm not even mad at you for the terrible things you did, how does that happen?  I just feel nothing towards him.  Happy he gave me a beautiful daughter who is the shining light in my life.  And that's it.  Grateful.  Wow!

On a personal level.  I've really pulled myself from the depths of despair.  Its been two years since the ex walked out taking everything with him.  every dime, the business etc.  He literally left me and my daughter homeless, stating 'I'm not paying shit anymore'  no rent, no gas, no nothing.  I had to move and move quick.  Figure out a way to survive.  And survive I have!  :).  I moved my little part time bar tending business to a business that was like working full time.  I husseled  all my jobs so that I could make enough money to live off. I have since turned that business into an 'events production business.  I'm super organized and pay attention to detail, and I love Martha Steward and all the theme matched magazines with cute little flower straws made out of baking cups, and paper lanterns and hulu hoop gardens, and all that stuff.  I'm really good at it.  There is nothing more satisfying to me then throwing a fab party and guests totally enjoying themselves and having no clue how much work or money went into the party,.

This month has been the first month since Nov 09,  one year 11 months, since I have actually been able to pay all my bills, AND pay my car registration, AND get new tires on my car AND take a vacation.  1 year 11 months!  yipee!!!  It is a lot to accomplish in less then two years.  Going from homeless to actually being able to purchase extras.  Wow!  I feel really good about myself.  If I can do it, anybody can do it!