MY KIND OF KIDS

  I don't have the kind of kids that pictures of them are posted on Facebook with captions below that read, "I'm so proud'.  They aren't holding giant trophy's with a little comments below that says, "My kid Rocks"
God didn't give me those kind of kids. Instead,  He gave me kids that cause me heartache, and pain, and sorrow, and quite frankly, every effort I can possibly muster.  I'm not talking about my little one of course.  She still loves her mama.  Little kids love their mama!  Thank God for that.  It's when they grow up that they become a problem.

My friends & family tried to warn me.  They did.  They used to say, "your boys are so good, wait until they become teenagers".  I didn't believe them.  My standard answer was, "not my boys."  My boys were angels when they were little.  And then,  they became teenagers.

My boys are 21 and 22 now.  Maybe if I had help with them things would be different.  But things aren't different, and quite frankly I'm tired!  One of my sons is in the hospital and has been for 6 months now.  If you've read my blog before you know this.  The good news is, he is getting better.  I believe that putting him in the hospital saved his life.  I should say that God saved his life, because the actual procedure for getting him in the hospital literally brought me to my knees.  I didn't think I could do it, and pretty much had a breakdown getting him there.  I was literally throwing up in the bushes while the ambulance & police and Orange County M.H. were all standing around telling me I was doing the right thing.  It was an ordeal!  The last 6 months have not been easier.  Everyday trips to the hospital.  Watching him get better, then slipping back.  Days full of prayer and anguish and crying, and more prayer.  It's been an emotional roller coaster and I am definitely  ready to get off.

My other son, well he is 21 now.  He just recently got his first job!  No, He has never had a job prior to this, nor was he going to school.  He was pretty much doing nothing but irritating the shit out of me. Nagging at him never worked.  Being nice never worked.  Taking away his 'stuff'  never worked.  Not giving him money never worked.  He said he didn't need money.  He said, "Jesus, used to walk with no shoes, and I will too."  I finally said to him in a very calm, 'I'm not going to get mad voice', "yes son, you have to have a J.O.B. to live here.  You HAVE to either go to school or have a job or both. period"  That was my repeater sentence. The sentence I just keep repeating over and over again.  And I did.  For two years. I stopped giving him money unless he EARNED it.  Go clean my car, clean the bathroom etc. etc.  Maybe I should have done that years ago.  I'm sure I should have done that years ago.  But never the less, he has a job now.  However, with that job comes a rotten stinking attitude.  Im so over it!  My younger son has always been the sweetest kindest person on the planet.  It's like the devil has over taken him.  He's just a jerk now, and I can't stand it!  I'm sorry to talk about my kid like that, but I'm serious!  I wonder if I'm the only one that ever feels like this about their kids?

Lastly, my little girl is only seven.  I have already taken her to apply for jobs!  Anytime she gets an attitude with me it's off with her head!

I will continue to be the mother that I am supposed to be, and continue to pray for patience and guidance.  Lord Help Me!

THE TRUTH HURTS

For those of you who don't know: I am not available to get caught up in your crazy, chaotic life. I am also not available for obsessive, stalker men. I am not available for drug addicts, drunks, or abusive people. I am however, available as a good friend who will tell you exactly how it is. If your are NOT looking for honesty, then please don't call me. #thetruthhurts

GO AHEAD. THROW ANOTHER WRENCH

  Therapy and God saved my life.  Seriously.  Some people don't believe in therapy.  I guess it's not for everyone.  For me, I HAD to have someone who I could bounce my thoughts off of.  Not a friend or family member.  I just didn't have any family I could talk to about things that were going on in my life.  My family is of the old school where we just 'handle things' and not talk about them.  My friends are super biased-Thank God.  And they just tell me what I want to hear, as all good friends should.

My therapist.  She was a different story.  Sadly she has moved on to a bigger and better job and I'm finding that I miss her dearly.  Especially when wrenches are being thrown at me.  I made this comment to her once,

Me:  "I feel like there are all these wrenches being thrown at me and I'm just ducking and dodging them."
Her: "Why wrenches?"
Me   "What?"
Her:  "Why wrenches?  Why not knifes, or bullets?"
Me:  "Who the fuck cares?  I'm over her dodging shit!"
Her:  "Well it's interesting that you said wrenches"
Me:   "No, what's interesting is that I cant see who is throwing them. I can only see them coming at me. All different sizes and they're coming quick"
Her:  "Why wrenches?"
Me:  "Fuck you bitch"

I meant that F.you in a loving, kind way.  She was the kind of therapist that could handle me saying that.  I left the office that day with her saying, "let me know next week why wrenches."

It bothered me for a long time.  I never could figure it out.  I had, and still have this vivid image of wrenches being thrown at me.  Like a nightmare I just cant get away from.  I still cant see who is throwing them.  Its only a shadow from a far off distance hurling them at me.  Someone strong, because they're coming fast.  I picture myself standing there, just ducking and dodging.  I'm not even running.  I'm just standing there, dodging.  I don't even know if I get hit.  Yeah, maybe, like when I throw my arm up in self defense.  Yup it hurts when I get hit.

So, I was talking to my friend about this last night.  Telling her, I feel like wrenches are being thrown at me.  Then I tell her the story of my therapist and "why wrenches" and I'm like fuck you bitch, and my friend says, in only the most beautiful eloquent way that friends can say.  "Of course its wrenches!  Knifes would kill you. Bullets kill you.  You are a strong women.  Things may come at you but they're not going to kill you.  Hell no!  Of course its a wrench.  That shit hurts!  A wrench might knock you down, but its not gonna kill you.  If it was a knife or bullet, you'd be dead."

And there it is there.  After a long day of dodging wrenches, my beautiful friend tells me exactly how it is.  So what if a wrench gets thrown at you.  You and God can handle it  (notice I didn't say just you).  Wrenches hurt, but they don't kill.  I am a warrior and I can handle a lot.  I have handled a lot.  Sometimes, that requires help.  Through a therapist, or Prayer, or good friends, or doctor, or whatever you need.  Help is good.  And helpful.

Do you need help?

What can YOU help with today?

WRITING ON THE INTERNET

  As I sit down to write this it occurs to me I am not free to write anything I would like.  Sadly, I do have stalkers in my life that tend to check up on me in an effort to hold my words against me.  I know it sounds crazy and paranoid, but  it is just that.  Like that one time I wrote about when I went to jail....
That somehow came up in custody court years later.
 
So, instead of writing about what I would like to write about, I find myself instead heading a warning.  I'm sure you have all heard it before.  But just in case-The internet is a vast web of information.  You can find anything on the internet, which in my opinion is a blessing and a curse. 
 
Like that one time I was about to go out on a date with a guy.  Instead of finding him in the American Medical Association, I found him on 'report your ex'.  I can do vast amount of research on the internet and Im not even a researcher.

So please.  Writers' write.  But if your going to be honest, change the names.  Probably not wise to post pics of yourself on Facebook.  Especially if your 20, have a bunch of pics with you and underage girls drinking,  and attending Harvard Law.  I'm just sayin...

APPEARANCES

   I live in Newport Beach California.  Land of beautiful people.  Sunny skies, beach house estates, Bentley's are driven like Honda Accords.  They're everywhere.  I wouldn't trade where I live for anything.  I love it here.             
  The fact is, it's all an illusion.  I'm talking about the people of course.  I look around me daily.   I do mean daily, and I see people going about their lives.  Looking fabulous, actually enjoying their lives.  At the park, at the mall, especially at church.  I am in awe.
  I don't have that kind of life.  I have a life full of trials and tribulations, and really, really rough times.  There are things that have happened to me, with me, for me, against me, narly, treacherous things, that no person should have to endure.  Yet I have.
  I am not having a pity party.  I'm only sharing that to make my point.  I appear to have it all together.  I'm super cute, I workout, I 'look' fabulous, I live in a nice place, I drive a decent car. I appear to have it all together.  Appearances.
  The truth is, God didn't give me an easy life.  He gave me a life full of heartache, pain, broke and brokenness.  He gave me gut-wrenching sorrow that has brought me to my knees.  Literally.  And that is my point.
  I have a son who is in the hospital.  He will be in the hospital for a very long time.  This consumes me pretty much every minute of every day.  I cry at the drop of a hat, sometimes in my car, sometimes at my office, mostly when I'm writing, always in church. 
  I have another son who is not working or going to school and doesn't have a clue about what he wants to do with his life.
  I have a daughter who is a ball full of nuclear energy, who does not stop moving, talking, or singing from the second she wakes up to the time she goes to sleep.  And I mean that literally.
  I had a spouse who I was deeply in love with and left me for drugs.
These are things that would appear to break me.
  I am so grateful to be where I'm at.  Full of humility and gratitude for the blessings I have.
  I have a son who is in the hospital and getting treatment.
  I have a son who is clean and sober and taking time to figure out what he wants in life.
  I have a daughter who keeps me skinny, and active, and laughing everyday.
  I get to date super fabulous men (& some not so fabulous) that provide hours of comedic material in case I ever want to write a sit-com.
  It has occurred to me that the beautiful people all around me, only appear to be fabulous.  Don't get me wrong, some are, and that's a blessing too.  But many aren't.  They have they're own trials and tribulations.  They have their own demons to wrestle with.  They're own obstacles to overcome. 
  My heartaches have left me much more compassionate towards others.  She probably has a story too.  He probably does as well.  It may be way worse then mine.  Ive learned to listen.  Ive learned to be grateful, Ive certainly learned to be humble.  This is a gift I get to pass on. 
Appearances are only that. I hope someone reads this and spends one day not judging others by what they appear to be.

BLESSINGS








please 'comment' and 'like' and 'share' and 'subscribe'   :)
Thank you.
 



 

I TOO, AM ADAM LANZA'S MOTHER; ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE

I Am Adam Lanza's Mother': A Mom's Perspective On The Mental Illness Conversation In America Written by Liza Long, republished from The Blue Review

 I read the above article at 6am this morning, after another night of all night praying and crying for my 20 year old son.  He too is mentally ill.

 This time he has been on the street for four days.  He doesn't have any food, nor any money to get food, and it's unconventionally freezing in California right now.  I am worried sick.

Like the author above, I too am learning how to deal with my mentally ill son.  I do not have help.  I am having to do lots of research on my own.  Things like, 'when to detect an episode coming on.'  The tiniest thing can trigger him.  I feel like I'm about to become an expert on mental health issues.  Like most Americans, I really don't want to know about it.  Except that I don't have a choice.

For the longest time I thought my son was on drugs.  I thought his violent behavior was due to drug use.  Today I know that just isn't the case.  I know this because the half dozen times he has been taken to the emergency room via ambulance and crisis unit, they have drug tested him.  I do not have my family's help because they somehow feel that 'he must have brought this on himself', perhaps due to past drug use.  They too, do not understand mental illness.

Like Ms. Long states, "I'd do anything for benefits"  For the longest time I had no health benefits for my son.  He was admitted into the state hospital. The hospital did apply for Medi-cal benefits to cover the hospital fees.  The state hospital was the most horrific place you have ever seen.  It's difficult to describe in words, and brings tears to my eyes to even try.  It's worse then any movie you've ever seen.  The ten days my son was there (because that's all they would keep him for.) were awful.  I would visit him everyday, and everyday I would physically throw up when I left.  I finally convinced my ex husband to purchase health insurance for his son.  He spent many years in the military, and Thank God for that.  The military is the only place I know of that offers really good mental health care.

I too, do not keep sharp knives in the home.  I threw them all away.  It makes for some difficulty when I am trying to cook.  I've emptied my house of everything that could be potentially dangerous.  Things are a little different now, not better, just different.  I know my son is sick, so I treat him differently and don't expect much out of him. He is no longer violent, he just talks to himself a lot. It has been determined by many professionals that he is not a danger to himself or others. He is physically a grown man, yet his mental ability to function that way is just impossible.  He cannot hold a job, or basically care for himself.  So it looks like I am left with a lifetime of caring for him.  I cannot, as his mother, leave him on the street.  To quote Ms. Long, "This is bigger then me".

I have looked for support groups and help as well.  In my case, my son refuses to take medicine.  I might add that he too, is extremely bright (when he's not psychotic) can quote Einstein, genius on Greek Mythology, etc etc.  Interesting how our children share the same common characteristics.  I wonder if Adam Lanza had those same characteristics?  Seems like someone might wake up and say," hmmmm"

  The bottom line is we need better resources for the mentally ill.  period.  We just can't ignore the problem any longer.  I wish and pray that I had better skills to handle my mentally ill son.  It's funny now that I am aware of his illness, I see mentally ill people all over the place.  It's almost like how drug addicts can recognize other drug addicts.  There are many, many, mentally ill people in this world.  I see them everywhere now.  Maybe not as bad as my son, at least not yet.

I don't have any answers.  I wish someone would knock on my door and tell me how to fix this problem.  It's so heartbreaking no one can imagine until they are in this position.  I pray for all those affected by the mentally ill.  I pray for the mentally ill.  I do a lot of praying, and ask that you pray too.

PRAYER WORKS!

   I have posted before that it has been a particularly challenging year for me.  My son is very ill and has been in and out of the hospital a half a dozen times this past year.  He doesn't just go into the hospital either.  It usually requires an ambulance, police, crisis team, etc etc.
  I have a young daughter too, along with other kids, and keeping my own mental stability is a task in itself.  It's difficult to keep things 'normal' when you have a child that is sick.  I am constantly having to remind myself that I have a child that IS NOT sick.
  There are also other problems that life brings.  I don't make enough money to support my family.  Stuck in a job I really don't like.  I don't have anyone to help me.  Bills. blah blah blah
  However, this post is not a complaint.  This post is about gratitude and how thankful  I really feel.  Through this most difficult year ever, I have grown to have a relationship with God.  I have always had what I thought was a relationship, but now I know the difference.  Through this difficult year I have watched miracles happen before my very eyes.  I have stayed up all night, praying to God, and in the morning had that very prayer answered.  I have literally watched miracle after miracle happen.
  I could give some examples: My one son was coming home form the Army, My other son is sick, I have a daughter as I said, and I drive a Smart car!  Uhmmm...Love the Smart car, but definitely not enough room for all the kids.   It was never an issue before, because It was just me and my daughter.  But with all three kids around for the holidays, now it's an issue.  So I prayed about it.  "God, I don't know how this is going to work out, but I need a car that can fit everyone."  and I just kept praying and trusted that it would work out.  Guess what?  Someone gave me a car!  No really!  GAVE it to me!  And its not a junker either!  It's a really nice Hyundai.  seriously.  Now,  the pessimist might say, oh well, a family member gave it to you, it wasn't God.  But I don't believe that.
  Another example:  My son went missing for several days.  Literally missing.  Missing like,  I made flyers and drove around to Laguna Beach and Huntington Beach and handed out flyers and put them on posts, and asked everyone (including cops) if they had seen him.  It physically made me ill.  I can't tell you how many hours/days I spent looking.  It had been almost two weeks.  I hadn't slept at all.  So I stayed up one night all night and asked God to just please return my son to me so that I would know he was safe.  The NEXT morning, my son walked in the door.  I have no idea how he even made it to my house.  He had no money.  Not one dime.  He just appeared!
  There are so many other things that have happened.  Today, I start my day off, on my knees, with a prayer.  The bible says to start prayer off asking for forgiveness.  I try to stick to that.  Then I prayer for what I want, because I believe my God wants me to  live an abundant life full of happiness and joy.  Today I have that.  I still have problems, but they don't look so big anymore.  I feel as though God as with me and that is beautiful
   Prayer Works!

GRATEFULNESS

My friend, who I haven't spoken to in a couple of weeks called me yesterday to ask me how I'm doing.  Well...Let's see, I have a job I hate and don't make enough money at.  I have a older son who is mentally ill and walks around talking to himself all day!  I have another son who just discharged from the Army, has been sitting at home all day and NOT applying for jobs.  I have a beautiful daughter who is young and impressionable, who I am raising all by myself. 
So how am I doing?  I am so grateful!  I feel so completely blessed!  I know I don't have the 'perfect' family.  Most people in my family are crazy, some more then others, and I am including myself!  I know Im not perfect and I am o.k. with that.  I pray my older son will get better soon because this is not the life I want for him, nor do I believe it is the life God wants for him.  I pray my younger son will get some motivation and go get a job.  I pray my daughter will live an abundant life full of hope and joys and dreams full-filled.  I pray for myself that I will continue to have strength to raise these kids and be happy doing it!  I pray the stress of life won't get me down.
 I know what it is like to have nothing.  Literally.  I know what it is like to have your kid missing and go in search of him,  handing out posters and asking, 'have you seen him'  I know what it is like to go without dinner so your daughter can eat.  I know what it is like to go days without sleep, so filled with worry and angst.
I don't have to do any of that today.  I don't know about tomorrow, but I do know about today.  My God is a God of suddenly's and suddenly it can all change.  So today I am walking in blind faith and gratefulness to be where I am. Only through the grace of God. Literally.

LAUGHTER IS EVERYTHING

  Yesterday morning started out as a beautiful Saturday morning.  My young princess woke up lazy as she usually does.  Stretching and yawning for about 20 minutes, before she actually gets out of bed.  This Saturday morning, we were not rushed.  I love those days!  I crawled in bed with her, and we 'took time for snuggles'.  This is very important, as during the week we are almost always rushing out the door.

So I cooked a delicious saturday morning breakfast, and she watched her morning cartoons, playing with her dolls, as I cleaned the house.  I had her in my room in the back, because this Saturday I was working on her room.  All of a sudden I hear this loud bang on my door.  I peer out the window to see who it is, but I cant see from where I'm at.  I go downstairs and ask, "who is it?'

To which my ex-husband (baby daddy) replies it is him.  Now this is a guy that hasn't shown up in my daughter's life in over a year!  A year!  Then he just randomely shows up at my door?  I freaked out!  He has sent one or two emails to myself, and my father spewing about what  a good father he is, and he wants to see his child.  In my book, one email every 8 months does not make for a good father.  In fact it makes for nothing.  Doesn't even deserve a reply.  It isn't even contingent on the fact that he hasn't payed any child support.  The reality is, he missed his daughter's last birthday, and Christmas, didn't even call, nothing.  He lives 30 minutes away, so there is just no excuse.  His last email 3 months ago was about how he is such a good father and how I have changed my phone number several times, and blah blah blah.  All total lies, so I didnt even respond.

Then he shows up at my door! I freaked out!  Shows how unstable he really is.  He can't just show up!  This is where God comes in!  GOD IS SO GOOD!  The ex could have parked in guest parking, two spaces over.  But instead of doing that, he parks in my parking stall, backed in, facing my door!  Total intimidation tactic.  He starts banging on the door, yelling for his daughter.  Another bullying tactic.  What?  He thinks I'm just going to open the door?  No!  I call the police. Police come out.  They tell him he has to work it out in court.  Right!  Just like I have to work out in court the fact that there is a child support order but he is STILL not paying!  I agree with the cops, let him go to court, just like I have to.  In the meantime, he cant show up after a year, and expect me to send my 6 year old out the door.

The cops are about to send him away.  But first they run his name.  UH OH!  Turns out he has two warrants!  Oh yea, and that raggedy car you parked in my spot, tags have been expired for a year!  Guess that goes too!  Tow truck showed up right behind the patty wagon!

Thank You Lord, for your wonderful sense of humor!

AGENT OR NO AGENT?

I am almost finished with my book!  It's been a learn as I go project.  I've spent a lot of time in the library, reading books like, "get an agent in 30 days" or "publishing for dummies".  In an age of social media and overnight internet sensations, the new questions to ask is, "do I need an publisher?"  or should I self publish? "Do I really need an agent?"  The internet has opened a whole new world.  It's a beautiful thing, but also quite confusing!.
I've done a lot of research.  There are pros and cons to self publishing and a publishing house.  Getting an agent seems to be a 1st on the list of things to do.  The next question is, "Do I complete my manuscript first?" or should I start querying now?  Opinions differ in this area.
I'd love to start querying now, as everything I have read seems to say that this is an art form in itself and must be done with intricate detail.  My gut tells me to finish the book first.  I think I'll finish the book first!
Off I go...more to come later.

MAKING DREAMS COME TRUE!

  I have not blogged in many months because I have decided not to let another year go by without actively pursuing my dream.  I have been very busy working on my book!  I hope to have an agent within the next six months. I would love to see my book on the shelves by 2013.  Please keep an eye out for it.  I will be writing under my real name:  SHARON BELL

Match.Com - I QUIT!!!

  I gave it a whirl!  O.K. I did it!  Sort of.  I actually NEVER met someone I met on Match.com.  I just can't seem to get past the ridiculous emails.  Men email me and say the wierdest things.  I just don't understand.  If I'm not going to understand then I'd rather not understand in real life, not cyberspace.  I mean why get dressed, take time out, call a babysitter, and go to all that trouble to meet a guy that probably most likely doesn't look like his picture!  A whole other person shows up!
  I rather BE dressed, BE out, and run into a guy I probably would never date, then actually set up to meet a guy I probably would never date.  Does that make sense?
  To me it does.  I'm not going out on any blind date from a guy I met on Match.  I know it works for some people.  I'm just not the one!  Maybe I watch too many episodes of forensic files.  But seriously, isn't it easier to meet a guy in person then look at a 1/2in by 1/2 inch picture of someone and determine whether he's a nice guy or a serial killer?  Call me crazy, but I think I can judge a person better as a person and not as a small blurb on a dating site.
  For example.  There was this one guy on the site.  He is physically not my type.  Remember I was trying to expand my horizons and not go for looks.  This is what the guy said,


I like what you wrote in your profile. Questions- When was your last serious relationship and what happened? What exactly are you looking for? I am in hawaii for holidays. Looking for a good, honest and loyal woman is challenging in California. Xoxo 


That's me right?! O.K. so I should have actually examined this email.  Looking back I realize that the xoxo ending is kind of immature.  xoxo hugs and kisses??? really??? mmmm.  I dont think so!  Your a stranger!  Also he has a really dorky name.  Also his profile brags all about himself.  But I once again ignored all the warning signs!  I sent him an email back and answered his question "when was your last serious relationship".  I kept my answer short and to the point.  This is how long, this is what happened.  I then said something along the lines of, "It's the Holiday season, so I'm super busy with work right now, and Ill email you when I get a chance."
To which he responded, "You snotty b****!"  hahahaha!  Can you believe that?  He called me a snotty B* because I didn't immediately respond to his email.  He then SENT ME ANOTHER EMAIL, and told me how rude he thought I was because I didn't respond to him, and how he works with executives all the time and I'm not special!  WOW!  
Truthfully, he was  not the only crazy stalker type I came across!  There were other men that were upset I didn't respond right away.  Maybe people on Match.com have a lot of time on their hands.  I thought that was the whole point.  For people that didn't have time on their hands, and didn't like bars so they moved to internet dating?
Anyway.  What I found out was if I just get dressed in the morning, do my hair, try to look cute, and smile everyday, men will approach me!  I just have to put myself out there.  I believe that even if I wasn't cute but put effort in dressing nice, putting on a little make-up, fixing my hair, men would approach me!  Men approach women who look approachable!  So, enough about the internet dating thing.  I must end this by saying, ladies, (or men)  If you are looking to find your match, I suggest you put effort into looking nice, and put a smile on your face, and don't be AFRAID to put yourself out there.  And yes, you will get approached by some weirdo's.  But, you know what they say, "you got to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince!"

MATCH.COM - INTERNET DATING???

  I have come to the conclusion I am NOT an internet dater!  I can tell you that it has been worth the $40.00 I paid for one month, just to read the emails, and see pics that are sent my way!  It's endless hours of comic material!

  I jumped on this morning just to check out if I have any new emails.  Here's what one guy instant messaged me at 800am:

Hmmmmidididididseeaputtycat

  Yes, it took me a moment too!  Did he really just write that?  Wait!  How old is this guy?  Oh...He's 49 years old!  Mmmm. No thanks!

  There's more.  I got a 'Happy Hump Day' email.  Yes, some 38 year old guy sent me an email wishing me a 'Happy Hump Day!'

   It gets better!  I've gotten every kind of email from long. life stories, to 'hey you wanna meet'.  Here's the thing;  I can't date anyone that calls himself  'majicstick' or 'cuddly' anything.  Im looking for a date, not a stuffed animal!

  I also cannot date anyone who has that mullet haircut!  I'm sorry fellows, but really????  If your bald, be bald!  DO NOT have a bald head, or partially bald head, and then a long stringy pony tail, or rat tail, whatever you call it, hanging down your neck!  And why does it always look like you grease up the rat tail too?  Like a greasy string stuck to you!  Ladies, you know what I'm talking about!  I mean seriously!  

I also cannot date a man that makes $35,000 and is 49 years old.  If your not making more then $35,000 at 49 then you probably cannot afford me.  Call me a gold digger!  Hahaha, which is really funny!  Yeah, I'm a gold digger because I prefer to live somewhere other then a double wide trailer!

  Lastly, I posted on my profile that I prefer black men.  It's not mandatory, just a preference.  Some people prefer dark hair, dark eyes, some prefer blonde, some prefer big, some prefer skinny.  It's all just a preference.  So, I did state my preference.  Why do I keep getting pictures of men that look like they just stepped off a John Deere Tractor??? AND they live in the boondocks!  Like Riverside or something!  Really??

  Did I mention I like smart guys?  I cannot date someone who cannot spell!  Spelling is a must!  Even if you don't know how to spell there is this thing, called 'spellcheck'. ugh!  Am I being too harsh?

  My profile has been viewed 1913 times.  I have 93 emails and 167 winks.  My first week on Match.com I was so impressed at 48 emails.  uhmmm, I've never really been good at math.  I think percentage wise, I'm not doing so well.  I've seen 3 men that are slightly interesting.  3!  Only 3!  And those 3, we have gone back and forth a couple of times through emails.  One lives in the valley.  Geographically undesirable!  One lives near me, but seems a little shy and not so anxious to post his pic.  That's fine.  We will see.  The other is super hot looking (I'm trying not to be into looks) white guy, lives in L.A.  Another not so geographically fit!  And a third, who was actually the front runner, lives quite far, more then an hour away, but looks healthy, wealthy and wise!

  I will keep everyone posted!  Please follow me on twitter @kurucocktails, or follow me on this site, or leave your comments, or post a reply!

MATCH.COM - ANSWERING EMAILS!

I'm about 2 weeks in, to Match.com.  I see why this is a billion dollar company!  The first week I posted my profile but did not join.  I just casually browsed.  You can do this for free.  Other members that have joined, can send you emails.  The trick is you can't read those emails until you join!  That's how they get you.  You can't even see pics of those that sent you emails unless you join.  The whole thing is a complete tease!  Very ironic!

So after I set up my profile I see that I have a bunch of emails.  They have reeled me in!  I join Match.com and now I am fully committed!  My friends, by the way, are all laughing at me!  They cannot believe 'I wasted' $40.00.  Apparently they feel that this dating service is for those that can't get a date!  I don't feel like this.  I think many busy professionals are just busy.  And let's face it.  If you don't go out to clubs or bars, then what's left?  The coffee shop?  I've met dates there too, and Match.com can't be any worse!

It's a little difficult for me to send an email to someone that looks interesting.  I'm so happy I'm a women!  I don't have to think of anything smart, funny, or original enough to send to a person.  I just post my picture and Bam!  Answering emails is intimidating as well,  if I'm going to be perfectly honest.  Because eventually I know they are going to want to meet!   Uh yea...That's the idea right?  Yea.  I'm not so good at that part!  It's totally putting yourself out there.  Like having blind dates on a regular basis!  

We all have that fear right?  Like, what if this person doesn't like me?  What if he thought I looked different in the picture?  What if he's terrible and I don't like him? How do I turn him down in a nice way? (I don't believe in being mean)  However,  I have discovered that in some cases you have to mean.  Some men just don't get it!

I'm going to start locally.  Probably meet at my favorite coffee shop.  Yes it will be the same coffee shop that I met the other guy I went to lunch with.  The one that was older, very wealthy, and a complete ass!  He still comes in every morning.  I can't believe he hasn't switched coffee shops!  Anyway, that's another story.

I will keep everyone posted!  Please follow me on twitter @kurucocktails.  Or subscribe to this post.  Or repost. Or 'like' on facebook.

MATCH.COM- ANSWERING EMAILS

2nd day in and I've decided to actually answer some of these 48 emails.  Not the ones that are ridiculous!  There are many of those!  Can you believe that men actually start with 'Hey Baby.'  Really?  I also cannot believe how many men actually send an email that starts with, "you know you want to meet me?"  Really?  uh..no, not really!  Seriously, I'd say at least five men sent an email that started with, "you know you want to meet me?"  Here's my favorite: 


How are you today love. I like your profile and pictures are up my alley. Check me out and see if you dig me as much as most people do ;). We could meet up for a quick beer at maybe Cook's Corner and see whats up. Nothing formal. So don't fight it, you know you want to meet me. Don't be escared, i'm not. I've dated beautiful women all around the world LOL


I'm not sure if this is a joke!  Did he really just say that?  Cook's corner?  For those of you that don't know Cook's corner is this completely dive breakfast/lunch place that looks like it is serious need of renovation!  I've never been inside and have no idea if the food is good, because.....I'm too scared!  Honestly, it looks like it's been around since the 1800's, needs a fresh coat of pain or something.  Keep in mind I live in Newport Beach California.  Denny's look nicer then this place!  Not an ideal first impression to say the least!  Maybe all those 'beautiful women' from around the world should have clued him in!




My favorite email came from a 39 year old guy.  Probably not my type, but could not have asked for a better email.  Take note men:


Wow! Whats the secret? I would guess that you are 29 years old…keep up the great work! You look fantastic:)


I know the 29 years thing is a bit of a stretch,  but it sounds good right?  Sweet and simple.  No 'hey baby' involved no, 'Google me because I'm the best your gonna get'.  (I got that too!)  None of that!  


Anyway.  I still have emails to go through, so I will keep everyone posted!  Please comment, subscribe, or follow me on twitter @kurucocktails

MATCH.COM FIRST TIME IN!

I finally joined Match.com after posting my profile last week.  I had 48 emails and 7 winks!  That's pretty good right!  I have to admit it was pretty fun to read all the emails and check out what men had to say.  WOW!  Men are sooo funny!  It must be really difficult to be a man.  Seriously.  All I had to do was post a picture.  Men on the other hand,  see the picture and  they have to come up with an opening line.  Something to break the ice, sound original, be funny if possible, and tell me a little about themselves, and do all this in a short and sweet manner-before I get bored!
  You would not believe what men will write!  I've really gotten everything from 'hey baby!'.....(did he really open with that?)  to 'Have you ever been with a younger man?'  to really sweet, funny, articulate messages!  I was quite surprised and very entertained!
Out of 48 emails I will return a couple of them.  'rockhardabs' will not be one of those!  There were actually a couple of guys that sounded kind of interesting.  It did help that they have an airplane (or so they say)  I do have a thing for airplanes!  Before you ask, yes I will only be dating those that have a positive cash flow.  Call me a gold digger, call me whatever you want.  I've dated broke men, I don't plan on doing that ever again.  If your wondering why I am so adamant go ahead and read my previous blogs and you will quickly understand.
Oh yes, and I am so surprised how many men comment that 'I'm sexy'.  How do they know that?  If your a guy and your reading this I'd sure like to know.  I just submitted one picture.  It's not a bikini pic or  risque or half-dressed, or anything like that.  Just a regular picture.  Yet, at least half the men that responded to me had the word 'sexy' in their response.  I find that interesting.
I don't know when the next time I will log on will be, but I will definitely keep you posted!

Match.com-The Profile!

So, as previously stated I have decided to join Match.com.  It should be a very interesting journey.  I encourage those who are considering the same, to follow me and see how it goes!  This will be an honest, open, and often humorous blog!  Some may not appreciate my sense of humor!  I can already see that coming!  I cannot write about this without calling it as I see it,  so here goes:

I have had many discussions with friends about this before I actually did it.  Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE I have spoken to has said this is  a 'must do'!  I heard everything from, "I met my husband on Match.com" to, "only losers go to the internet for dating".  Seriously, I am NOT an internet dater! I have never one this nor considered doing anything like this.  First and foremost, I don't believe what people write.  I am suspicious by nature.  Thus my dilemma.  I'm suspicious anyway, and prefer to wait and see what a man does, rather then what he says.

You can 'browse for free'.  I got on Match and decided to 'browse.'  That act alone is worth a couple of hours of laughter!  I mean seriously...if you set up a profile name of 'softkisser' or 'bestkisser' or 'bizzle' or 'boytoy' or 'ImaKING', I really can't read much further.
I especially love the photos of men that look like prison photos.  You know the kind with the pastel paint in the background and he's wearing a plain white tee.  Don't ask me how I know this...I just do.  Or even better, when they REALLY look like they are or have been recently been released from a crazy institution.  What are these guys thinking?  All bug eyed trying to catch a women.  It's really quite funny.  If you want some good free entertainment, just go 'browse' for a minute!
To set the record straight, the above comments are not to say that I look better then anyone else.  Or to make fun of those not so attractive.  I truly believe there is someone for everyone so that is not what I'm talking about.  I'm really talking about people that post their pictures and really do LOOK crazy!
So I browsed through the photos.  Out of about 100 pics I found one guy that I thought looked & sounded interesting.  I don't date men based on looks.  Been there, done that.  Fine men are often the dumbest!
Match.com asks a lot of questions.. Mostly stupid ones.  Like, what kind of animals do you like-and then they list, dog, cat, bird, fish...I mean who really cares if I will like your pet fish???
Most of the answers are standard, 'I like long walks on the beach'...occasionally a guy will be pretty funny.  This means nothing.  Just because they can write funny, doesn't mean they are!
I took the time to fill out my profile and then posted it!  YIKES!  That was last week.  I did not join match.com.  I'm the kind of person that really likes to weigh the pro's and cons before I actually partake.  So I posted my profile and a week later I see that I have 41 emails!  41!  That's good right?  I mean if you look at the odds, I haven't had 41 guys ask me out this week!  So before I even read the emails, which I can't do unless I join-that's how they get you.  I wanted to post my original perception of the browsing thing.  Honestly, I am interested in seeing who and what kind of men have emailed me.  So please subscribe or follow me on twitter or just keep reading to see what happens!

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD SEX?

WARNING:  DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN READ THIS.  ADULT CONTENT.

I can't believe I'm writing about this, but I feel I must.  It's personal, but must be shared.  So here goes:

O.k. So Im dating in Orange County which is a whole experience in itself.  There seems to be only three or four categories of men in the O.C:

1.  They drive a Bentley and have tons of money so they think they can treat you any kind of way.  They know there are many women who will tolerate this behavior. It's called selling your soul.
2.  They have no money and  want you to take care of them.  They are looking for a mommy.
3.  They are trying to pretend to be somebody they are not.  or..They are an actor.


At least this is what I have come across.  So, with a smile on my face I go out into the world and everyday am shocked an amazed to see what is out there.  Recently I met a guy who has captured my interest beyond just the first date.  That in itself is quite rare.  Now, of course he has his issues, and of course I have mine.  But he is smart and funny and keeps me on my toes.  I never liked the easy, dumb guys.
So I'm out with this guy and somehow the question comes up, "when was the last time you had sex?"
and like an idiot...I answer.  And, like an even bigger idiot I answer honestly.
uhhh....2 years.  O.K. don't everyone go into cardiac arrest o.k.  Especially those that know me.  It wasn't planned that way, it just happened.  I didn't say I lost my sexual desire.  I just said it hasn't worked out for me.  You see I have done the one night stands.  Too many times.  I'm over it.  Yes, I could go out tonight if I wanted, meet a guy, and have sex.  Matter of fact, I'm quite sure I could go out this morning, walk to the coffee shop and bring a guy home if I wanted.  Men are easy.  Sorry fella's. You just are.  In fact, I could weigh 300 pounds and probably still get a guy to sleep with me.  Some men like big women.  I see it everyday, and I bet you do to.  I big girl walking down the street holding the hand of a man.  There is someone for everyone.  I just happen to be a little more particular.

I have girlfriends who love the easy, young,  hot guys who have washboard abs and worship the ground they walk on.  Lets face it.  We are not 20 anymore.  With age comes a certain beauty in women.  We know are bodies.  We are not shy or awkward or unsure of ourselves.  This is attractive to men.  They can feel confidence.
So here I am, super confident, attractive, and so not willing to jump into bed with the first guy I meet.  or the second, or the third.  First and foremost, I have learned that I am a cerebral women.  You must excite my mind.  Without that, there is nothing.  That narrows down the first 75% of men in Orange County.  I'm not sure but it might be higher then that.  Second,  Yes I know I have a great body.  If you comment on that, other then giving me a compliment, and No "nice rack" is not a compliment, then I am just not interested.  You automatically get cut.  Third, it takes more then a pretty face, a nice body, or a Bentley.  I'm a little harder to please.  So you see my dilemma.  I've just cut off 90% of the men in Orange County.  The ten percent left seem to be hiding under a bush.  They might be dressed as a frog.  It's difficult to tell. So yes.  It's been two years since I've had sex.  It might be another two.  It's a choice I make willingly.  I'd rather not settle.
Please all you crazy men, don't message me telling me how you can change my mind, or I just need to give you a shot.  Really?  I've heard that before.  How about you just be you, and I'll decide if your worthy.

SUBSTANCE

The dictionary defines substance as "the actual matter of a thing, as opposed to the appearance or shadow; reality."  
If you go by that definition, the actual matter of dating men in Orange County is completely lacking substance.  Hence my dilemma.  You see I have chosen the word 'substance' as  sort of my theme word.  My mantra, you could say.
When I go out and meet someone, which pretty much happens daily. I look at them and I say to myself, "does this person has substance?"
Substance is a thing that takes awhile to find out if someone has.  You can't just look at the outside appearance and see if they have it or not.  That's the problem with dating in the O.C.  That's the part that people miss when they are sitting in their little towns in Oklahoma watching the O.C. housewife's and wishing they could live like those women live.  They just don't see that the substance is missing.

So how do you choose?  Yes, he drives a Bentley, but does he have substance?.  For some women this is any easy choice.  A no-brainer.  For me, not so much.  Someone recently asked me what I was looking for.  I am more sure of what I'm NOT looking for, then what I am.  I would like a man that comes with substance.  If he has a Bentley, that's nice too-but not a requirement.  I'd like a man that can recognize that I am worth waiting for.  Just because you don't have sex with me on the first date, doesn't mean I'm not worth the wait.  You might even have to wait awhile.  I'm still worth it.

I find that holding out and waiting for men that have substance brings some heartache.  It would be so much easier to judge men on the kind of car they drive or what they have in their bank account.  He with the most wins.  It's just not that easy for me.  I'd like a little more then that, please.  I'd actually like a nice guy.  Someone who appreciates me and recognizes me for the women I am.  Seems simple really.  But soooo difficult in the beautiful place I live, called Orange County

MOVING FORWARD

  Its been a long time since I posted. I get so busy caught up in the day to day of what is called life.  I'm in a place now where I feel so much better off then when I was married.  I thought I was soo in love.  I was so in love.  Really, I loved my husband more than anything.  And now I feel nothing.  Nothing. Not mad, or sad, broken, depressed, 'wish things were different'.  just nothing.  It's sooo weird. 
I vividley remember laying in bed with him, thinking 'I'm so in love with you after seven years of marriage, how does that happen?'  and now.  I'm so over you, I'm not even mad at you for the terrible things you did, how does that happen?  I just feel nothing towards him.  Happy he gave me a beautiful daughter who is the shining light in my life.  And that's it.  Grateful.  Wow!

On a personal level.  I've really pulled myself from the depths of despair.  Its been two years since the ex walked out taking everything with him.  every dime, the business etc.  He literally left me and my daughter homeless, stating 'I'm not paying shit anymore'  no rent, no gas, no nothing.  I had to move and move quick.  Figure out a way to survive.  And survive I have!  :).  I moved my little part time bar tending business to a business that was like working full time.  I husseled  all my jobs so that I could make enough money to live off. I have since turned that business into an 'events production business.  I'm super organized and pay attention to detail, and I love Martha Steward and all the theme matched magazines with cute little flower straws made out of baking cups, and paper lanterns and hulu hoop gardens, and all that stuff.  I'm really good at it.  There is nothing more satisfying to me then throwing a fab party and guests totally enjoying themselves and having no clue how much work or money went into the party,.

This month has been the first month since Nov 09,  one year 11 months, since I have actually been able to pay all my bills, AND pay my car registration, AND get new tires on my car AND take a vacation.  1 year 11 months!  yipee!!!  It is a lot to accomplish in less then two years.  Going from homeless to actually being able to purchase extras.  Wow!  I feel really good about myself.  If I can do it, anybody can do it!