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BABY STEPS

Ive decided to get my ass up & quit whining about my situation. It is what it is. Nothing i can do about it cept brush it off & move on.
Today is the first time in 13 months i went to sunday church service & did not cry thru the whole thing. Today was also my daughters 5th birthday party & thanks through the generosity of others she had 'the best day of her whole life'
oh yea, & i take back all the shit talkin i did about chuck e cheese~they really took care of everything! Kids had a blast!
On a different note, ive decided to get my big toe wet & start dating again. So far, nothing but a bunch of losers who 'want to spank my ass' but not take me to dinner first! Hahaha! Ill keep everyone posted....

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WALKING IN FAITH

 At this point all I can do is walk in faith.  Faith that God is going to take care of me.  Honestly, things have gotten really bad.  Really, Really bad.  I w ish I was like that housewife on the Dr. Phil show and could stay in bed all day.  Since I have a four-year old, I can't.  But I want to.

Its been a year now, and I can hardly believe it.  What happened to all the stregnth I had 6 months ago?  I guess I was so busy trying to survive, that I just forged ahead.  Left with no other options, thats what women do.  Now that I have a home to live in and food on my table, It feels a tad bit safer to just go ahead and cry, and get nothing done.  It  doesn't matter that I have no money for lights.  Who needs lights?  I like candles anyway.  Actually that's a little extreme, but really things are bad.  I feel like Im have a total breakdown.

It really hurts to get out of bed.  It hurts to talk.  I quit going to therapy.  There nothing to say.  Life is shit.  It's not just my loser husband.  I actually don't even have time to think about him and could really care a less.  I guess that's a blessing.  No time to be sad about such a menial thing as a man! I have bigger problems to deal with. When it rains, it pours.

My eldest son, is going through whatever the hell he is going through, and I can't help him.  He just got out of jail, and that's the least of his problems. As a mother this breaks my heart. Literally.  My heart is broken.  This is what a breakdown feels like, which may be the same thing as a broken heart. Im not sure. My youngest is acting out at school and she's only four.  If anyone knows what this looks like, it looks like a screaming tantrum baby!  The kind you see in Walmart running around like a maniac and the mother ignoring the disruptive, obnoxious baby.  That's me.  Thats's my baby!  If you see me just say 'hi' and keep it moving.  Save your dirty looks.  I  really don't care.!

I'm so depressed!  Everyone I know is living in beautiful houses, happy, planning there next vacation.  At a time when I should be planning my next spa day, Im counting change for coffee!  Fuck!  I can't sleep.  When I say I can't sleep, I mean I haven't slept in a year.  Im really breaking down.  I have a job, but can't work.  Im so worried about my eldest son, his brother, my daughter, work, paying bills, blah blah blah! Will I ever stop crying?  I'm just a HOT MESS!

So....I have no words of wisdom for anyone today.  It's a miracle I got up and wrote this.  I am trying to do ONE thing everyday.  Only one thing.  I'm making a habit of not answering my phone.  Anyone who has the slight inkling of being rude, gets an immediate disconnect.  I can only handle one thing at a time.  Today my one thing is writing.  Which of course, makes me cry! Again!

I hope someone else is having a better day and can offer words of wisdom.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Recovery

I started out this blog as a journal type thing, hoping that in the process I would reach others that may be going through the same type of thing I am.  With the advice of some friends, I moved to not so much telling my story, but offering advice.  What a joke that is.  My purpose of offering advice was perhaps to reach more readers.  I now know that I am hardly the person to be giving advice.  I am no 'Dr. Laura'.  What works for me, may not work for you.

So I am back to telling my story.  This time really real.  I withheld information to protect who?  Not me?  I really cant tell my story without telling the WHOLE story.

Some things have happened in the past month that really change the equation.  Good or Bad, Im not sure which.  I just know that its time for me to tell my story, and hopefully reach other women that are going through the same thing.  Maybe they will get something out of it.  Hopefully, at the very least, A laugh.

It's been 11 months since my husband walked out the door leaving myself and my daughter high and dry.  He literally walked out.  It took me roughly about three months to figure out he wasn't coming back.  Three months of endless sleepless nights.  Three months of crying non-stop, three months of letting him come back for a night, or a couple of hours, three months of accepting full blame and believing if I was only a better person he would come back.  Three months of not eating.  Three months of HELL.  And it didn't stop there...

At the end of three months I figured out very quickly, "oh crap. I'm about to be homeless." You see when the husband left, he took all of the money from the business that I STARTED with him.  Yes, he paid support for a few months, but not nearly half of what the business brought in, and certainly less then what I deserved.  I was happy that he was paying something, I just wanted him back,.  I didn't make a stink.  I just accepted what he said he was going to pay for support and begged him to come home.

WOW!  That's so crazy just writing that!  Im 11 months down the road now.  Things are much different.  I would say from about 3 to 9 months I pulled myself up from my bootstraps, became the gansta that I am, and made things happen.  I mean I was really on one!  I worked like a dog.  I called everyone I knew. I found out where to get assistance.  I called homeless shelters.  I went to food banks.  I called the bank everyday and begged them not to take my car!  I mean, things were really rough for a long time.  My husband (lets just refer to him as the 'Pig' from now on.)  The Pig paid child support & my car payment from Novemember until June.  As he should.  Still not half of what the business I STARTED was making.  Less then a third actually.  But I was ok with the car payment and support.  And I accepted it.  Then in June he decided not to pay my car payment.  As a matter of fact he told me the day the car payment was due, that he wasn't going to pay.  Hence all the phone calls.  Calling the bank, homeless shelters ( I could no longer afford rent)  DPSS...I mean the list is endless and I spent most of my days trying to figure out how to live.  No time to be sad or depressed, or even hope he was coming back.

During this time of going through life like a freaking tornado, a women on a mission, the mission of survival.  I really didnt have time to cry or wallow in self pity.  There was no time for that.  I gave myself a year to get it together.  I'm now at 11 months.

I have a new house now.  A beautiful house.  A house that I feel is a gift from God.  I feel so special getting presents from God.  A house I can afford, in a beautiful neighborhood.  All those phone calls paid off. I have a job too.  It pays the bills.  Thats a good thing.  Im sure a better job will come along as soon as I am more settled.  Right now, Im not even looking.  Heres the point Im getting too:

I cant believe I ever wanted this loser back!  Honestly!  What the hell was I thinking????  I dont know what happened to the guy I married.  But this ain't the guy.  Oh I do know what happened, but Ill save that for another blog.

None of which is my problem now.  I will move on.  I can tell you some days really really suck.  Some days I laugh my a** off.  Some days I just love being a mom, and some days, I wish I could crawl in bed all day and not get out.  Some days, I'd like to suck down some tequila.  Some days I want to go out dancing but can't because I have no babysitter.  Some days, I feel really sorry for myself.  This is shit is just ridiculous!

I will pass on the only lesson I know works for sure.  There may come other lessons later.  This is what I know today.  It's ok to cry.  Its ok to put on your pj's and crawl in bed and cry.  Especially if its raining.  It's ok to laugh too.  Its ok whatever it is you are doing.  Your right there where your supposed to be. 

IS IT A RACE THING?

I'm sure that this post is going to make some people upset. Let me just apologize for that ahead of time. I'll start by saying from the beginning, that I am most certainly not a racist! I happen to be white. It's just a fluke. Actually, my nationality is Sicilian, if that makes a difference.



Anyway, my first husband was white, and my current husband is black. I have white children and mixed children. I never considered race an issue. Ever. For me, it's all about the person on the inside. While good looks may be nice, those looks fade. I really don't even care what a person look likes. As long as they have a good heart, and believe in God.



Which leads me to where I am. I married a good man. Sadly, that man went crazy and lost his mind. It had nothing to do with me. He has his own demons to wrestle, and I can't help him. My question on the race issue is this: How does a black man just walk away for his child? Forget about how he feels for the women. What about the child? I think this may be a race thing.



My current husband, soon to be ex, just one day day walked out the door and never looked back. We have a four year old daughter. He doesn't call, doesn't see her. Just 'oh well, you don't love me anymore so I'm gone." This makes it even harder to love a man, who can so easily walk away from his family. I don't know any white men that do this. I mean, sorry to keep it real, but that's real. Every white man I have ever known, heard about, whatever, still sees their kids no matter what. Maybe because they KNOW that they will have to pay more child support if they don't. But really, it seems like a lot of black men have no problem just walking away from their kids. Is it because their dads were not around? What is it really? I would really really like to know.



Lastly, I find myself in the dilema of have to literally reach out to the black community to find positive roll models for my half-black daughter to embrace. She's around too many white people. There are literally no African Americans in her life. When her daddy walked out, her grandma stopped calling, Auntie, everbody she knew and loved and saw on a regular basis. Which makes me think that it is a black thing. Forget about their feelings for me. How does everyone just turn their backs on a four year old child?



And this is what I am wrestling with today. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Any comments on how to find positive role models in the african amercian community (especially men) would be great too.



Thank You and God Bless



http://thegreygirldiaries.blogspot.com/

The Grey Girl Diaries: THE FORGETTING DISEASE

The Grey Girl Diaries: THE FORGETTING DISEASE

THE FORGETTING DISEASE

The forgetting disease is plain and simple. It's the disease that will make you forget your past mistakes over and over again.

I have it. My mother has it, my best friend has it, and I dare say 90% of women definitely have it it too!  Men don't often carry the forgetting disease.  They seem to be immune.

Thankfully there is a cure.  I am recovering at this very moment form the forgetting disease.  If you have never heard of the disease, much less a remedy for it, I am here to tell you there is one.

The forgetting disease is where all the little things your significant other has done to you is quickly forgotten.  For instance, maybe you were out with your significant other, and he kept staring and staring and another women.  So much so, that really you got upset.  You maybe were standing there screaming, "helllllooooo' and he sill completely ignores you.  Maybe it even caused a huge fight..  He insists that he wasn't staring at another women and you wonder if it's possible at all that he actually wasn't and you are crazy like he says.
But you fight and make up and then you 'forget' all about it.  Until years down the road....

When you find him on the Internet, staring, or worse, at other women over and over, and then you remember about that one, or two incidents that you forgot all about. It dawns on you that the signs were all there.  You just chose to 'forget.'

In the past  there have been so many little things that I have chosen to forget all about.  However, I realize that the forgetting disease could very well be the death of me.  It's so important that I remember.  If I don't remember I could quite possibly fall into the same trap that got me in this mess to begin with.  Like many others, I fell for a smooth talker.  When I say smooth talker, I mean smooth talker. Instead of taking care of me and making sure I had a job that I got paid well for, I fell for the, 'let's build our dream together."  Only it wasn't our dream, it was his dream.  I thought it was our dream.  I forgot I had my own dreams.

So, in order to have healthy recovery from the forgetting disease, I have taken certain steps to ensure no further relapse.  I take notes!  I take a lot of notes.  I save all the crazy text messages, emails, and voice mails.  One day they are professing undying love, the next calling me every name in the book.  I keep these emails for one reason and one reason only.  'The Forgetting Disease!' 

Some may say it is bad energy to keep these negative messages.  I believe some of this is true.  I don't read them, or re-read them, only in times of desperate need.  It's like drinking a tall glass of fresh squeezed Orange juice for the common cold.  I immediately feel better.As I recover from the forgetting disease, and the ex starts to come around,  He sniffs around me like a dog in heat.  The moment I start to get back on my feet.  It's like some bizarre instinct he has, anyway, the moment I start to do well, and he starts smooth talking me. That's when I whip out my notes! emails, texts, whatever.  It's an immediate cure of the forgetting disease.  Damn!  He's really done some terrible things!

My therapist recommends a journal, I recommend saving stuff.  Whatever works for you, please do it.  I don't say this to discourage any kind of forgiveness.  Forgiveness is important.  For you and the person you are forgiving.  I'm not sure if I forgive the ex yet.  Hopefully I'll get to that place one day.  But in the meantime, I do not want to have the forgetting disease.  Stayng disease free keeps me strong and able to achieve my own dreams, my own goals, and my own happiness.